In the past few weeks I have had so much on my mind, it is crazy!!! I have been writing poetry, papers, and I am blogging like I am getting paid to do this.
There is one topic I keep coming back to. It is the message I want to send to my daughter. I want her to be, fearless, I want her to be independent, I want her to be fierce, but above all else I want her to be her. I personally am going through a shift in who I am, I am questioning things about me I have never thought to question. I am slowly waking up from a sleep I have been in for almost six years. This will probably be one of my most revealing blogs ever. So let me put a disclaimer here...my language is gonna get rough, my thought process may be scattered, but as always it is me...read on if you dare!!!
Six years ago this October I lost my mother. While our relationship was never perfect, it was amazing. My mother was a woman, you did not want to piss off, but you wanted her in your corner. She had a magic about her. You had to know her, to get her. I have always been told I look like her, a lot say I remind them of her in personality and the way I raise my daughter.
I have not felt it, but there is a spark coming back. When I lost her, I shut down. Each year I spend with my husband and his family, and talking to other family members I feel it getting stronger. I honestly think that I was angry. I have been angry, not sad, not depressed, but angry. Angry she wasn't around to watch my sisters grow up, angry she is not here for me while I develop into being a mom and wife, and angry she is not here for her grand kids. It is not fair....I was 28 turning 29, the baby was 16....we never even got to say good bye, it was sudden. There is/was so much anger in me, I can't process it. Or I couldn't, I couldn't fathom how we, all five of us, would survive. I couldn't wrap my head around how this new reality was good for me. I stopped....just stopped and every time I tried to restart...I stumbled, I failed, I pretty much gave up. I went through the motions, I went through what looked like I was healing, but I wasn't I was compressing....and it is time to stop it. I can't succeed, because I can't feel. I may look okay, I may act okay, but in my inner core I am protesting and there is a side of me that honestly could give two fucks...has not one single fuck to give about what the rest of me wants. Well, I am done being angry at her, at the universe, at whatever decided this was a good idea. I am done letting that anger have such a hold one me...that I honestly...I have had a failure to launch. I want MORE. I want to feel whole again, and while I will never have my Mom back in body, I have her every-time I look in the mirror. Every time I open my mouth to talk to my daughter. Emotions are a bitch...but we all got'em. some have better control over them then others...I obviously have some kind of a hold on them...but I tend to run from them, push them down, and add them to the one day I will deal...today is the day. Today I forgive the universe for the curve ball it threw me...I forgive my mother for leaving way to soon...she is around....I can feel her.
To be quite honest as I sit here and write this, I feel a weight lifting? I feel a calmness I have not found or felt in a long long time. I am taking a page from my mother's book....from here on out, no more compressing, it is not healthy and it is not how I want my daughter to feel. I want an openness with her that I did get with my mother in my adult years.
I was raised by a strong woman, she had her faults, but she had so many strengths. I know many strong women, I surround myself with them. I do not have time or the energy to be around those that do not have the power to adapt and over come their situation., and I am going to try like hell to raise my daughter to be one. Luckily I discovered this now, before she is old enough to truly understand how broken her mother was. No more victim, no more anger, no more resentment. I want the old me back...fearless, determine, and absolutely confident in who I am. My time is now...the is no way I can ever ever get back to that dark place I was in for so long.
So here is the long and short of it....I am turning the page. I am who I am. I am writer at heart and I am changing the name of the blog...we are now truly in the midst of chaos that is my mind. It is no longer about strictly dieting and weight loss. I am combing all of my old blog posts from everyone but Psycho Mama...I am shutting down all the rest of them. I am gonna be talking about whatever comes to mind and whatever I need to get out. I am hoping that y'all stick with me on this journey. It is destined to be a wild ride!
I refuse to be defined by any labels anymore, I am me...I am Audie. Stick around....I guarantee you ain't seen shit yet!!!!
Until next time....
Me!
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