4 years and counting!

This week I hit another milestone in my journey! I hit 4 years food sober and of course that came with some reflection and so major Aha's for the focus of year 5. For the first time in a long time, I am thinking very clear. I also hit a point where I figured out my pattern completely. I know how far I will get, I know when I will stop

And I know when I will restart. It is like clockwork. I know it so well it is almost down to the hour that it will all come to a screeching stop and I will throw in the towel.
Y'all call it October, I call it NEXT!! I have tried so many times to rip the month out of the calendar. I have thought of ways to go to bed on Sept 30th and wake up and it is suddenly November 1st. Like okay maybe October 30th...I do not want to skip mini's fav holiday and one she has so much fun with...but you get my point. And sadly I also do not have the Avengers on speed dial and the ability to ask to borrow the time machine thingy...

So what can I do?? Well I am planning a solid foundation laying in September to add to the be here a year challenge I have already been submerged in (Day 240 is Tuesday!!) I also am looking at what is up next to tackle in year 5. There has been one character defect and one habit I have tackled a year...this year is no different. The habit is my smoking...I am done. It tastes gross and with all the new foods I am trying as I am adding healthier foods to my menu...I want to taste them. I am also wanting to invest my money into better things, like travel and fixing the storage options in my apartment. I mean whatever I get now will flow nicely into a bigger place, could even be repurposed as time goes on, but for now my gadgets I am using for cooking these amazing meals need a home. The defect is going be hard as it can correlate to the habit.

In keeping with the avengers theme, my anger. Now, I want to interject I am not always angry anymore. I do not walk around hating the world and feeling as if I am a victim and I am owed something. But I still have a residual amount that I need to work out. When I  do get upset I lash out worse than when Hulk took on Loki and well...words can hurt. I still have a hard time with the word No in certain instances. Like I have a really hard time with the word No. See previous discussions on  Verruca Salt, but before I digress, I am planning to spend this next year working on depending less on an attitude adjustment from a habit that is sucking the time out of my day and my life and working on practicing the pause. No one is out to get me and no one can change how this life is playing out but me. I am working on breaking cycles and there are things I do not want my daughter to go through...to do this I need to practice this pause.

So with this all said, there is a new plan of action that is starting tomorrow.  I have found my workout, dated a few over the past few weeks, and I am going back to zumba. I am experimenting with if I eat this and if I eat that. Learned a few things this week. I learned that I can intermittent fast by not eating at night and I am slowly cutting dinner/night time carbs to a minimum. I also am switching over to tea at night versus coffee...I want to make sure it is noted, I am still very much motivated by coffee, but I am reserving it for morning after my workout. What could be better after a good workout, a shower and fresh fuzzy pants in the morning till I have to get ready for work? To me it is right up there with a kiss from the hubby or snuggle with my mini....

I also know this is not the year I throw in the towel, I can face the pain of growth and really truly feel the loss of my parents and in that celebrate who they were. I can wallow in the nothingness or hang out in the empty...but will it bring them back??!!?? Nope...so this year I am approaching the days differently. There is still a sense of apprehension and fear but I am not going to hide away, I am not going to stay home and I may use them as rest days...I may have touch and go moments, but that is 2 days out of my 365 and by that point I really will be almost there in my year...I cannot throw in the towel! The pain of isolation is heavier as well as time consuming and it takes forever to come back from it....my pattern is March to September, I am good to go, a few days here and there that I pause and feel, but then in October hits, I just stop, it is like a Thanos snap and I am gone.

Not this year, last year I did make my comeback in December, this year there will not be a need for a comeback. This is what I have been training for! This is why I have made small changes everyday to lead to big results!











As I wrap up this week to explain...I had an in home date night with Hubby on Tuesday and we finally watched End Game...so that is all the references this week...but hey when it fits!  I want to sign off with this....

Year 5 is gonna get real messy for me as I get through these next few layers of clutter in mind and home. I am going to be making yet more changes...removing more dead roots from my tree, strengthening my mindset and my body...developing as a writer and more focused self care to allow me to show up better as a Mom/Wife, Employee, Student, Friend, and Sister (no particular order here) I am keeping tenacious when it comes to getting this to all flow together while I create the balance I have craved since going back to work 2 years ago and I feel like I am truly understanding why diamond had such a powerful draw as the word for the year!!! 

Till Next Time Y'all!!
-Audie