My mind makes some crazy crazy connections sometimes and this blog is no exception to the rule. This past weekend I spent a few hours soaking up the sun and, in that moment, I figured out I am on the verge of losing myself again. UHMM, how about no? I swore if I went down that path of losing myself again someone would have fucked around and found out to get me that point. So, I have spent the last two days in thought about this. How do I stop this? Well...how about we go down this rabbit hole together?
First, I have been stuck on a song called Heavy by Citizen Solider and SkyDxddy ( https://open.spotify.com/track/6nNLganVtzUVmzlUSAQMDE?si=ba4667abff9c41ea). I am talking I can listen to this song on repeat and while the song itself speaks to me, the title itself is what pulled me in. So, then I dug in deeper, why was heavy a word that kept coming up for me?
What in my life was getting so heavy again that all I wanted to do was get lost in books and shut down? What was making me withdraw so much? Why is a song I am stuck on causing anxiety? What is my heavy?
Insert a Harley Quinn maniacal life here...I was slowly allowing other people's opinions and expectations to become my focus. FUCK!!!!!
When this became clear another song was added to the mental rotation...Eminem's Houdini...I mean the whole Guess Who's back in the beginning; yup I am glad to be back, well I am glad to see that I am about to make my return anyway.
See I done fucked around on my own life and found out I don't like how I have been feeling. So today I am taking back the control, I am getting back to the basics of what works for me. The first step in that is to once again let go of expectations.
To fully let them go I have to address them two-fold. I have to let go of my expectations that everyone else is gonna understand everything what I am going through and gonna give me the same freedoms reserved for others as well as trying to live up to the expectations that others have placed on me. The combination of these two things have been the heaviness that I am feeling and not only am I feeling it, but it is also showing up on my body. It is showing up on my face and it is showing up in how I show up.
I have essentially been throwing a two-year-old fit and living life in the I don't fucking wanna. It is keeping me from being me the me I know I am. It is also making me feel uber gross and weighed down.
I already clawed my way out the darkness once and I am not looking to sink back into it. I am so tired of this rat wheel. I am so tired of stepping off it to all of a sudden waking up one day and finding myself there. Now, I know that this happens because of automations and my brain pulling us back to what it knows to protect myself.
This does not feel like protection anymore, this feels like a prison sentence that just allows me to have the good coffee and read my books. I want to do more than that. I want to write the books; I want to have fun on and off work, I want to chase the sun and enjoy everything that comes my way. I want to see everything not as why me but why not me.
It does not mean I am not gonna struggle and it does not mean that stress is not gonna happen. It does not mean that I am not gonna have to take a step back now and again to reread this. It is does not mean I am not gonna have to remind myself every now and again of who the fuck I am. It just means that maybe I can be Elsa every once in a while, and let shit go starting with expectations.
It also means that I am going to have to get back to the things that I love that make me, well me. That starts with the writing-starting with finding the balance between storytelling and story writing. That means having my morning coffee and dance parties to start the day off in a positive light! That means back to planning and journaling. Getting back to square fucking one.
So, I dive back into what I know tomorrow. I make apologies to who I need to, I lean into the swan dive into the deep in. This is gonna be a two week at a time project. This is gonna be an awareness of leaning into who I know I am and starting to let things flow instead of bottling it up and I explode like a shaken bottle of soda; however, I do have to celebrate that I caught it this time before I fucking exploded!
Wrapping this up with sometimes the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself. I was losing myself so quietly that even I didn't recognize it till it was almost too late. I am glad I grabbed ahold of things before I lost all control. Now time to get back to my regularly scheduled programming of what works for me.
Till Next Time-
Audie
