Grief, Harmony, and the new Normal...(1st of 4 in the 2020 year in review)

Disclaimer: With the plot twists that 2020 has thrown us, it just makes sense that wrapping up my year will take a series!! 

This year has been a learning experience, to say the least. I have learned that toilet paper is a commodity, that masks are not just for Halloween or Masquerade parties, and that staying home makes you face things that you really don't want to! This year was the 11th anniversary of my mom's passing, 4 years since my Dad, and 2 years since my Bonus Dad...this year, I learned that grief is not something I can put in a box and take out on those anniversary days, which I had tried so hard to do. There is always a song, a food, a smell that will take you back. So, I would take all those moments and put them in that box to pull out and process once a year. About that...emotions do not work that way. 

This year, I let the emotions hit as they came...sometimes it was not so much, some days I was crying, sometimes I still angry that they did not get to see Abbie develop into my mini-me and be around to give me advice that I desperately need.  When I discovered this anger was actually grief, I really began to process it. I dug into the emotions, and for the first time in over a decade, I really felt the pain. If you remember, I mentioned I went numb the first two years after losing my mom. Well, let me tell you, it was hurt more than help. 

Now, I also have to explain everyone processes and deals with grief in their own time. Have heard it said with deep grief comes out of deep love. We do not get to tell someone how to grieve or how long to grieve. Hell, unless it is your own, you really have no say in any of it. Unless there is an element of self-harm, it is better to just sit shoulder to shoulder and let them be. I also learned this year...I am tired. I do not mean physically; I mean emotionally and mentally tired. This is because I am not only dealing with grief in the sense we all understand, but I was still grieving losing my life as I was planning due to a chronic condition that no matter how angry I am, I have it or how much I fight it...it will always be a part of me. No matter how much I exercise, eat right, and drink, my water will not go away. 

This year, I sat with all of this and all the emotions and decided to do one thing that will allow for all of this to make sense and stop me from falling into the winter drop-off...

Typically from October to March, I just let all of this control how I life. This year I decided to try a different approach to those six months. I was tired of starting over in March. I decided to try living in harmony with what was going on. 

When I started moving in harmony with all the emotions and the situations, I noticed a shift that allowed me to continue to move forward. Slowly, but I was moving and still moving in a forward direction. Take me going back to a job that I was sure I was done with. It was like a reset. Looking at it as a do-over instead of being stuck forever in this loop has allowed me to stay open to what I can learn and what I missed the first time around. It is like going back through my coaching; there are always new nuggets to digest. 

By living this way, I have found so much truth in the statement over there. I also need to interject here. Just because I am living in harmony does not mean that the universe does not strike and that my life is rainbows and unicorns. The struggles and the realizations of what the universe was trying to tell me is another installment of the wrap-up. But what it did that is relevant here is it made me stop asking why me, and what is happening that I need to learn from? What is the teaching moment here? 

The teaching moment that happened when I realized that living in harmony was easier than being a warrior for "normal" is that there is no way to define normal. Yes, I remember well the days of getting the kids up and putting them on the bus to school, not wearing a mask, and being able to get everything on my list without having to be at the grocery store ass early in the morning. I remember when there was a true limit to how many people could be in the store and the only person behind the glass was some bank tellers...when I swore I was not a homeschooling mom....about that, 

 Well, here we are, my daughter has not stepped foot in a school since March 13th, and in that, this means if I am not at work, she is by my side or sleeping...that is my new normal. I am helping her navigate third grade while I finish grad school. I can admit that this has been a hot mess express for a minute, but as we approach Christmas break, we find a rhythm and both looking forward to the two weeks off. This is now normal. I could complain about it, or I can live in harmony with it. I choose harmony because I have no control over it. 

I have made a choice to stop chasing the normal...I am now looking at every day as a new opportunity to do better. Be a more patient mom, make a better choice. I have decided that I am defining normal as a setting on a washing machine and roll with what is thrown at me. I have to, as it is part of living in harmony and being present in life, not just a bystander. 

I am creating a new normal for me and mine, including focusing on what matters and what we can control versus what we can not. Making this shift allowed for some major self-discovery and the addition of practices for my household that, after less than 2 weeks, I can say are amazing-but that is another blog in the wrap-up! 

As I wrap up this entry in the yearly review, I want to leave you with this. The above discoveries about grief, harmony, and the new normal have taken me over a decade to reach. It was important to start here because the other three blogs about how it affected nutrition & fitness, my relationship, and what comes next in 2021 only make sense because I put the work here. 

I had some heavy issues to sort through-that is why true healing from my food addiction took five years to get through. I kept carrying things I needed to let go of. I kept fighting for something that I honestly was wasting my time-fighting. No amount of fight was going to change the deaths or the diagnosis. 

I honestly got stronger when I stopped fighting, and in that, I found what works for me...I am rooting for all of you that stumble on this to do the same after reading! Find your harmony, create your own normal, deal with the grief in your life as you need to! 

For me, I no longer stuff it down or put it in a box for that one day...

I will cry it

I will walk it

I will dance it 

OUT!!!! 

I am a survivor, and in that, I found the strength to do all of what we will talk about over the coming weeks! 

Till Next time...

Audie!