Endings Suck, ummm Maybe?

 End is defined as the final part of something, and also has a verb definition of bring to a final point, finish something...finished is defined as having completed an activity or (ooff this one hits hard) having lost its effectiveness. 

Been thinking a lot about the end and endings lately as I am in the final chapters of my first story. The logical side of my brain is excited and is looking forward to what is next...emotionally, it is my first story in 23 years and I am holding out on finishing it. I started asking deeper questions as to why...this led me down a whole new rabbit hole and oh was it an aha moment and a half. 

I don't like endings and the full-stop moment. The moment there is no more. I have 4 TV shows that I can think of that I never watched the last few episodes of because if I don't, they don't end. They of course did and do, but in my little corner of the world, they are simply waiting till I am ready to finish it. 

The same can be said for workout programs and diet plans...I hate them cause they have a definitive end date. And yes, there are other TV shows, diet and exercise can become ways of life, and there are more stories to be written. But all of these things first come to an end before they begin again. 

I also have picked up reading again, funny story on that...I do finish the book, but I immediately start another one. Specifically, if it is a series, therefore in my head the book never ends. 

Then this bleeds over into people and relationships, yes I have an amazing 13-year marriage with no end in sight, however, then comes friendships. I am awkward and weird with these...here is why.

I am a military brat and military wife...obviously have moved on to the vet side of it, but I lived this life for so long. Duty station assignments end and people move, I moved. The nature of the relationships changed, now what used to be lunches and shopping is random texts and phone calls. 

Having recently moved into our apartment and starting to build relationships and friendships there...I am starting to fear the end. There is no end in sight, some changes to the summer routine obviously, but all in all no real end in sight. But the trauma from this happening over and over again...very real. There are 3 friendships I have that have spanned a decade plus...and that is not including my husband, with him 4. They have grown and shifted to what they need to be in each season I am in. So why am I still waiting on the fallout...again I dived deeper...

And fucking surprise surprise...it came back to my parents. They died, their lives ended. I had no choice in it, it was forced on me to accept it much like the moves of mine and many of my friends in the military no choice given, it was time to go and start over. With my parents deaths, there was no start over. It wasn't like I could just go get a new mom...it wasn't a job or finding new friends. It was not a TV show, a story, or a book...it was a forced acceptance that it was finished. 

That is why endings suck, it because you have to accept the things you don't want to. I have to accept the fact that there is a finality to things and frankly sometimes...I don't wanna!! Things change, doesn't mean that the people you have surrounding will and that is another thing that I am beginning to accept....sometimes things don't end and sometimes the ending doesn't suck, it leads to something better. The thing that ended lead to something so great you could have never imagined it. 

As I wrap this up...clearing the block that has been causing a delay of story...not all endings suck. Endings have to happen so new things can begin. Even an ending caused by a death can lead to a new beginning, because you learn to live in a way you can celebrate their lives by making the choice to go on living verses staying stagnant. So today I choose to stop focusing on the end and instead focus on the new that the ending helped create.

Till Next Time-

Audie

Moving into 2024...normalize doing what heals you

 So, in a random turn of events, we are moving 5 days into the new year. We have a permanent address. It is crazy. March of 2022, our whole world went upside down when we received a letter that our lease would not be renewed and from there, y'all know the rest of the story. Well, that chapter is about to come to a close. On January 5th, we move into our new home. It has been a long time coming and there is an appreciation for that. However, we I came up with the title of moving into 2024, it was a very different topic.

We are also at the time of the year where goals are discussed and such. I am not doing goals and I am not pushing for a total overhaul in 2024. I thought about my word for the year and then I said why a word, specifically coming at it from a writer's standpoint, I cannot pick one word. What I can pick is a series of words that are much like synonyms and of course the bible verse of the year. Drumroll....

The words-maintain, consistent, steadfast which leads me to the bible verse: 1 Corinthians 15:58 - Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.

Now, does this mean I am not growing, not working on the weight loss, not working on building financial stability? HELL NAH!!!! See what I mean by all of this, is I am coming to an understanding on how things work. I have to decide to focus on doing what I need to do within a serious of tweaks that will allow me to have the life I want. 

At the core of this I have figured out that in order for me to be successful, I get to do what I enjoy and what heals me. This is my writing. Between my husband and friends, I have everything I need to do this. So, I am working on being consistent with my writing for 2024. I am doing what heals me. I am doing what has made the biggest impact on my life in a short amount of time. 

Let me explain this. I have been blogging since my mini was a mini, so for 11 years. However, as much as I love this and it is a great outlet, it is not what sets my soul on fire when writing. Fictional writing is my true love. And honestly on October 22nd when I picked up the pencil for the first time in 26 years to do just that, well.... I did not anticipate the impact it would have on me. I did not see it wanting me to end my day writing versus randomly scrolling social media. I just saw it as a way to stop shopping online and spending money that I really didn't need to spend. It was a hobby I had everything for...till my computer acted up, but Christmas was a perfect time to make a new computer happen anyway. 

So I do not have to plan anything, no diet to follow, no cabinet to over haul. The only thing I am planning is my writing. I write every night for an hour or so before bed. Now I working on a better bed time but 9:30-10:30 is good for writing. Mornings are better for blogging.  

Wrapping this up to get back to my family on Christmas day...do what heals you. Play the video game, write the story, make the jewelry...whatever it is that brings joy back into your life do that consistently. Everything else well that falls into place!

Till Next Time-

Audie

Dear Universe...

 Come the fuck on!!!! Are you completely fucking serious right about now?? Now I know there was a blog like this before. I know I have talked about this before, hell I feel like I have to have this come to Jesus with the Universe every Dec. However, this year this come to Jesus feels very different. 

Why is that? Well I am different. Your girl, forgot there was candy in the house...like legit full size candy bars. I am reaching for water just as easily as I would reach for coffee. I am walking up and down stairs multiple times of day as well as I am writing over shopping or playing mindless games on the phone...when my computer cooperates. In the last few hours a Mickey Milkovich type tantrum has almost brought me to drop kicking the thing down a flight of stairs. 

I also didn't lash out at my husband or my daughter about all the things they didn't do over the last few days. Did I get mad...YUP. Did I shed a few tears...YUP!! Did it make me feel better, a little. Now I am cleaning, maybe rage cleaning...but cleaning. Light a few candles and Gonna decorate for Christmas in a bit. 

Then when all is done, I will sit down with my notebook and pencil and I will write. Then when I get my new computer in 15 days, I will start the process of typing it up. See I am very committed to this writing process it is good for financial and mental health. So I will find a tweak, a work around. Would I rather be posting...well yes but it is too hard to story write on the phone. So it what it is. 

Doesn't mean I stop...all the years before, specifically at this time of the year I would stop. This year I wanted to see what it looked like if I didn't stop...

And while we are talking about this...2024, yeah next year...me and the universe are having some conversation there too. While I am not uttering the words that this is my year...nope nope nope...I am gonna walk in real slow, sit down, shut up, and not touch nothing. I am sitting down ground rules and boundaries. I am saying no. I am not a safety net. My family's financial freedom and needs are coming first. This paycheck to paycheck way of life, yeah over it. 

I am over having to come out of pocket for emergencies and leaving myself short. So I have two envelope books to stuff, have a few different savings challenges to start, and I am putting together a budget that is liveable without feeling like we are going without. We have too many goals as a couple and we are gettting too old to continue to live like this. 

Okay now I feel better...by the way, my current computer did finally cooperate, still replacing it. I need something dependable for 2024 and the year of writing! Wrapping this up, dear Universe...bring it the fuck on! I am committed to getting real uncomfortable as I continue this. Stay tuned, things are just getting started! 

Till next time-

Audie

Aging Backwards

 No I have not found the fountain of youth. No I am not a vampire. But I am aging backwards. Let's take a look at this...

The last two pics were the 7th...43 looks a hell of lot different then 36...yes you read that right I turned 43 on the 5th of December. 

So what the hell am I doing different? A lot actually. The biggest change has nothing to do with weight-loss. It has nothing to do with exercise, drinking more water, or even sleeping more. Okay maybe the stairs I am up and done a few times a day may have a thing or three to do with it. And yes, I am still smoking. So what is it?

It is easy but hard all at the same time. I found the root of my anger. A deep rooted 26 year growing wild root. I started digging through all the trauma in my life. I stopped playing the victim. I stopped why me and started asking what is this teaching me. 

I picked back a hobby that makes me feel alive. I started dancing more, I started giving a shit about what I thought and what I wanted. I also stopped giving a shit about what others think about me. Because in all this I learned something...

I am enough, but I am a lot. However if the people are not willing to let me be me, then they need to go find less...point blank it took me 26 years to find me, the version of me I love. I am not making myself small anymore to allow someone else to feel bigger. I am not dimming my light so yours can shine brighter. But I will share the light. I will admit when I am wrong and try again tomorrow. I will share a smile and I will love who I love fiercely. I will stand up for what I believe and fight for anyone who can't fight for themselves. 

See I am a powerful force of nature. I come in like a hurricane and currently I am raising a tropical storm. I refuse to let her go through what I went through. We show unapologetically us. Awkward and weird are charismatic appeals about us.

This past week, I learned not one but both of my bosses think of unicorns when they think of me. At first I was confused...me? A unicorn? Like what?? Then I realized unicorns are rare mythical creatures that are associated with rainbows, glitter, and princesses. While I am no princess, I do bring a lot of fun to what I do, now that I am not so focused on hating everything and everyone. Bright colors and glitter are kinda my calling card even when I am dressed in all black because my personality oozes that shit. 

Bringing this all back as I wrap this up. Because I am embracing who I truly am, because I am no longer allowing my past to define who I am,  because I love this version of me I am becoming...I am watching years of stress melt away. I am watching the years melt away. Adopting the attitude that everything is figureoutable...I am watching myself age backward. Seriously if this is 43, I will embrace it and celebrate it every single day!

Till Next time-

Audie

Looking at the world through glass

A little over a month ago when I decided to try living this season differently, I did not realize how hard it would be. I did not realize how far I had come, but yet how far I still had to go. I am definitely not the person I was, but I am not quite yet the person I want to be. I am picking up old habits, well not habits, but hobbies. I am learning things I like and do not totally like about me. I am coming out of my shell, but maybe too much sometimes. 

There are some days I feel like I am sitting in a bay window watching the world pass me by. Even when I am there and in person, it still feels like I am looking through the world through glass. I want to join in, but there are days the voices tell me I am not welcome there. 

Then there are days I am there, there is no glass and I am really living. But then my social awkwardness takes over and the whole process starts over. I have learned over the years I really am better at expressing myself through writing. I write brilliantly but speak like a toddler. 

I trip over my words, say the wrong thing, unapologetically blunt (seriously I don't sugar coat shit..I am not willy wonka), but when I get close to you where I am comfortable enough to call you friend, there will come a point where I will say the wrong thing or do something dumb. If I haven't yet, hang around a moment and I will. 

One of the things I have learned about me in this past month is I really do love fiercely and even if I say the wrong thing...it is coming from a good place! I am too much and enough all at the same time. I am rebuilding a life I want one day at a time, but I am still unlearning things. I am still learning how to be confident without being over confident because I feel like I have something to prove. I have nothing to prove. I am just me, I am not broken, I don't need to be fixed...I am just me. 

Wrapping  this up- I am a writer, a mom,a wife, a sandwich maker, a friend, and so much more. I am a human undoing years of trauma and anger. I found the root of my anger and found it has been growing wild for 26 years. It is gonna be a tough one to cut out, but it is happening one day, one moment at a time. It all started with writing my book. And with each sentence here on this blog and there in the book...I feel the strength of that root softening and in those moments I feel stronger in other roots. Just bare with me..in a seasoning of shedding to prepare for the regrowth!

Till Next time-

Audie

About Last Night

 In this season I am currently in, I normally don't feel a damn thing. Just pass me the little Debbie Christmas tree cakes and keep them coming. Hand me the Oreos and I will wash them down with this 2 liter of Mountain Dew. Weirdly enough, I don't really like Mountain Dew anymore, except the occasional Mountain Dew Zero. The first little Debbie, a couple of Oreos taste delicious, then they kinda just taste like I am pouring sugar down my throat. Well fuck, my comfort foods don't work anymore. 

Also, what does that have to do with the title...everything. My normal go-to, my normal ways to calm my anxiety don't work anymore. Which is a good thing. However lately, I keep catching myself anticipating next Spring. I catch myself trying to speed past this season because truth be told, I am uncomfortable as hell. 

I don't know how to do this season one day at a time. It is also my first holiday season in a few years and I am not forced to Christmas in November. It is the first holiday season I am not dreading working on black Friday. Which leads to more anxious feelings. How the hell does this make any sense? 

Because that was my normal. Because everything has changed, while massively better, still a change. Change can rattle an addict, even good change. Sometimes I still wait for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes I expect to wake up and look just like I did at the beginning of this whole recovery journey. Now, I am not white-knuckling this...but I am trying things 2 and 3 days at a time. 

I am trying to anticipate how things are gonna look in a few days, weeks, months. My brain is probably six months ahead of me sometimes and my body is getting whiplash trying to keep up. I am borrowing trouble that I do not need to borrow. 

So what the hell do I do? Well for starters, this. The blogging helps keep me centered. Picking up creative writing helps too. While yes, in my head I am a few chapters ahead of what is on paper, the writing process itself...old school pencil to paper keeps me grounded in this moment. 

I am also a planner, trying to keep it stupid simple, one day at a time. While fighting this urge to plan things...dude! 

So last night, I took an impromptu trip to Michael's, Starbucks, and Target. Bought a few Christmas things and just talked and laughed with a friend. This morning I woke up recharged and refreshed. In this moment...it hit me. In a season of doing things differently, I have to actually do things differently. 

In years past, I hibernate, I hide, and I turn down the invites because I need the alone time. I didn't need alone time to recharge, I needed it to feed the gremlin that no one wanted to hang out with me. Can we just call this what it is...Bullshit. 

Now, yes I do very much need that sweatpants and coffee curled up with a blankie binge watching TV every now and again. But in this new way of doing things...I need people. 

So for now, my cup is full. My anxiety and anticipation is calm. I am present to how I am feeling. I even got a little writing done last night. It is an amazing feeling. I might have over spent a bit. It is okay, money comes as easily as it goes these days. 

Wrapping up...Do the crazy thing, do the thing that fills you with joy! Do what feels good...whatever it takes to not feed the gremlins that are anxiety or anticipation! 

Till next time y'all-

Audie

Finding myself

 I get lost in words. Words I am reading, writing, pumping into my ears as the music warms my soul. Words are powerful. They can make or break you...the stories and words you use with yourself specially. 

I realized this two days ago as I went to do my hashtags on a instagram post. Plus size specifically tripped me up. Plus size describes me yes...but what does plus size have to do with my blogging? Plus size is not what I want my fitness journey to hang on. Writers come in all shapes and sizes, the focus should be on anything besides me being plus size. 

So I dropped the plus size from my hashtags. My personality and my talent is not located in my fat cells. I had this realization before, but it hit differently in this season. As my voice grows stronger...words are taking on a whole different meaning. I am finding me and I do not be plus size forever.

 Yes, weight loss is not my focus this season, but the more I dig into who I be, the more I am craving movement. Doesn't everyone have a dance party with coffee at 6 am? Ohh, just me? Awesome! 

Now, with dropping these words am I worried about losing my audience...nope. The right ones will find me when they need to. It is not like I hide this, just sayin'. The readers will find me. 

I am starting to also notice that the readers are not hitting like they used to. The words are losing their power. It does not mean that they don't work, it just means I am feeling what I need to when I need to without needing a reminder. However they are there when I need them and will use them as needed. 

At it's core my recovery was my first selfish act. It is the first thing I did something for me that was about me. It was the starting point of all of this. Yes the blog is older then my recovery. It started this path of asking my self questions and digging to find the better version of me. 

I am also no longer clinging to recovery as a life raft in an ocean of self hatred. I like me and falling in love with rediscovering my favorite parts of me. I am also slowly becoming less introverted, I crave human interaction. 

Now, I still value my alone time and my down time, but I am seeing a different balance in it. I also am starting to see where my daughter gets it from. She is truly my mini! 

Wrapping up this one with this...finding myself as I navigate my 40's is priceless. It is a reminder that I am not dead yet. I have dreams and goals I can achieve even if tweaked from what I thought they would be! You are truly never too old to just start.

Till next time-

Audie