When I was 6 the popular question to ask me was what did I want to be when I grew up. The answer never changed...I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to get paid to sit at home, write stories, and drink coffee. Then of course life happened.
At the age of 17 in one of my mom's fits and the only way she had left to hurt me...she destroyed my writing. Literally shredded everything...and at that moment I stopped writing stories. Yes, I have this blog that has been my baby for years. Yes, I have a book of poetry I published. But as it happens with many of us, there was now pain associated with what I loved.
Now please don't get me wrong, my mother and I did repair my relationship. But I still did not get back into my writing due to I was now an adult and life was busy. It was something that got put on a back burner...so how does this become a prominent blog topic today?
So, as mentioned previously a few times I am in one on one coaching. In this coaching I am digging deeper into why's, well the more I dug into the why's writing kept being the answer. When I did this, I dug deeper into the blogging. Well, that helped a lot. In this I kept pushing...I kept going back to my readers and in this I figured out there was parts of my roots I wanted to regrow.
These parts I wanted to regrow were character traits of my teen and early adult years. But yet there was still a piece or three missing. What the fuck??!!?? I mean I was checking a lot of boxes, in a growth and healing place...what was wrong with me??!!??
Then I moved into my winter apartment and got my wifi back. In this I started watching Shameless again. I also started online shopping again and playing the games on my phone. I started seeing financial health slip and my mental health was rocky at best...Why??!!?? What was going on? So I dug again...there was still a book for me to write but not what I was thinking.
The book I always felt drawn to write was my story...but not in the way I was thinking. I thought the book I was destined to write was my life...that was all my blog was about!!??!! This is how I was sharing my story. Then the other night in a moment of clarity...the story I was meant to write was my fictional book.
A few years ago, a friend told me about NANO and every year I intended to start writing in November...but never happened. 7 years of school, being a mom, work, life just happened! So of course Nano emails started coming in again...and between that, a stint of insomnia, and this digging...I knew what I needed.
I needed a passion project. But where do I even begin? I had not done character development in 20 years. I had not done an outline or even thought of a unique idea. Back to a key sentence from earlier...I started watching Shameless again. Then trying to fall asleep I pulled up fanfiction to read myself to sleep. Then that was when it hit...I found my passion project.
I found my way back into fiction writing without having to stress about all the small stuff. My characters are developed and I know what story I want to tell. There was however another mental shift I had to make before I started writing again. My brain, in its infinite wisdom, said we don't have a writing room yet. We don't have our all weather room with pretty views and new computer to do this with so why bother?
Well brain...we don't need more stuff to do this. All we need is our phone and a notebook for now. When I explained this to self...yes another whole come to Jesus meeting with self...I started writing in my head. Great thing about my job, doesn't need a lot of focus or attention when it is downtime. I mean I can clean a grill and get lost in thought. So I started writing the story Monday night.
Here we are three days later and the first chapter rough draft is done. Chapter 2 starts today. And I feel whole!
This is the first step. This is where it all begins. I just got intentional with writing. No extra stuff bought and no extra pressure right now. I may stick with fan fiction for a while. There are a lot of shows I can choose from as it gets stronger and I get better at it. I also have a lot of imagination and creativity left in this head of mine and it is time to use it for good. Not just stress and over thinking.
Wrapping this up with something...you are never to old to chase a dream or start a new passion project. What some consider just a hobby, for me it is something bigger. It is the key to getting my financial health front and center. It is the key to feeling whole. It is my passion.
Till Next Time-
Audie
