This week something I seen resonated....it also showed up on my Facebook scroll 15 times a day for 3 days...If all you did today was breathe that is okay. And some days I even will going to work, just breathing was all I could manage. I am a very busy season. I live in a calming gorgeous area and some days I am not sunshine and rainbows. I am not 100% bitter and angry but I am not completely happy.
Which also brings me to a point that just popped into my head...happiness is fleeting. But is it really??!!?? A small dive into this without spending an hour or so in a rabbit hole has me thinking very differently. So here is what I learned...
1. Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is SUPPOSED to look like and CELEBRATE it for everything that it is!
2. I am slowly becoming the person I was always meant to be.
3. Indecision is a decision.
4. Give up perfect hours for divine moments.
5. Give up perfection.
Now how does all this come together?? Well for me the first one triggered a lot of oh shit....um there maybe a small part of being unhappy tied up in the fact that I am in my 40's and I have like 2 dollars for retirment. Great I am working till I am 85 does not bring a lot of joy. Having a terrible time finding a forever home for my family...again not a lot of happiness in that thought either. But have I thought to celebrate I have a camper that is mine...no one can take it from me...I have a car that is paid for and mine too...my life is messy and chaotic and no where near structured outside of work/school/ ect but it is mine and there is so much to celebrate...because I am damn sure not where I was this time last year where I was struggling to do school stuff and pay rent all at the same time.
Then when I stop and really thinking about becoming who I want to be...I have 43 years of trauma, baggage, learned behaviors to sort through and figure out what needs to stay and what needs unpacked to figure out the things...I am not gonna do this in a matter of days...it is gonna take some time, some intentional messy actions and a whole lot of making a choice. Which brings me to Indecision being a decision. It is the choice to do nothing...that is kinda what brought me to here simply speaking. It was that waiting on the perfect time to take any kind of action and any step in any one direction is what kept me stuck. I do not alays need a perfect hour to dive into a reader that is on my phone that is in my pocket...I can do it anytime. I do not need a perfect day to stop smoking...I can just do it specifically realizing this week I don't like the taste but that is a whole other blog.
What I learned about myself in a matter of 20 mins this morning is years in the making. It is years of making intentional choices to dive into this writing thing even when I drift away I always come back to this. This is my sounding board and the place that is my true safe place. Yes I know how crazy it sounds to say something on the internet is my safe place but this is my space. I can freely speak without worrying about offending anyone because if I offended you...then I am not for you! Sorry not sorry.
As I wrap this up for the week sitting here in the sun surrounded by nature that is just beautiful...I am choosing happy. I am choosing to dig into what me think I am not happy...and wake up everyday choosing how I want the day to feel and being intentional in what actions I take to make the day that way!
Till next week-
Audie
