End is defined as the final part of something, and also has a verb definition of bring to a final point, finish something...finished is defined as having completed an activity or (ooff this one hits hard) having lost its effectiveness.
Been thinking a lot about the end and endings lately as I am in the final chapters of my first story. The logical side of my brain is excited and is looking forward to what is next...emotionally, it is my first story in 23 years and I am holding out on finishing it. I started asking deeper questions as to why...this led me down a whole new rabbit hole and oh was it an aha moment and a half.
I don't like endings and the full-stop moment. The moment there is no more. I have 4 TV shows that I can think of that I never watched the last few episodes of because if I don't, they don't end. They of course did and do, but in my little corner of the world, they are simply waiting till I am ready to finish it.
The same can be said for workout programs and diet plans...I hate them cause they have a definitive end date. And yes, there are other TV shows, diet and exercise can become ways of life, and there are more stories to be written. But all of these things first come to an end before they begin again.
I also have picked up reading again, funny story on that...I do finish the book, but I immediately start another one. Specifically, if it is a series, therefore in my head the book never ends.
Then this bleeds over into people and relationships, yes I have an amazing 13-year marriage with no end in sight, however, then comes friendships. I am awkward and weird with these...here is why.
I am a military brat and military wife...obviously have moved on to the vet side of it, but I lived this life for so long. Duty station assignments end and people move, I moved. The nature of the relationships changed, now what used to be lunches and shopping is random texts and phone calls.
Having recently moved into our apartment and starting to build relationships and friendships there...I am starting to fear the end. There is no end in sight, some changes to the summer routine obviously, but all in all no real end in sight. But the trauma from this happening over and over again...very real. There are 3 friendships I have that have spanned a decade plus...and that is not including my husband, with him 4. They have grown and shifted to what they need to be in each season I am in. So why am I still waiting on the fallout...again I dived deeper...
And fucking surprise surprise...it came back to my parents. They died, their lives ended. I had no choice in it, it was forced on me to accept it much like the moves of mine and many of my friends in the military no choice given, it was time to go and start over. With my parents deaths, there was no start over. It wasn't like I could just go get a new mom...it wasn't a job or finding new friends. It was not a TV show, a story, or a book...it was a forced acceptance that it was finished.
That is why endings suck, it because you have to accept the things you don't want to. I have to accept the fact that there is a finality to things and frankly sometimes...I don't wanna!! Things change, doesn't mean that the people you have surrounding will and that is another thing that I am beginning to accept....sometimes things don't end and sometimes the ending doesn't suck, it leads to something better. The thing that ended lead to something so great you could have never imagined it.
As I wrap this up...clearing the block that has been causing a delay of story...not all endings suck. Endings have to happen so new things can begin. Even an ending caused by a death can lead to a new beginning, because you learn to live in a way you can celebrate their lives by making the choice to go on living verses staying stagnant. So today I choose to stop focusing on the end and instead focus on the new that the ending helped create.
Till Next Time-
Audie
