Ever want to literally shake the shit out of yourself? Yeah, that is where we are at. Like I literally cannot even with me right now. I read through all of the blogs, I think about all the conversations, and of course I look at the amount of money that I have invested in my coaching, and I am just UGGHHHH with me right now.
I have probably not only spent the last few months in a state of some sort of temper tantrum and tonight on a coaching call...yeah it was the wake-up call that I needed. See I have also felt really off for the last week and half like I was on the verge of something but had not quite figured out what it was. I figured it out tonight and oh did it suck when it all clicked together.
It didn't hurt in the way that you think either. Hang on, let's get some coffee and some music and then we will discuss this like the adults, err we are adultish, but before I totally digress...coffee and music and talk out this jumbled-up mess in my head.
All it is talk, talk, talk. I feel like a not just a failure, but a fraud. There is also a hint of imposter syndrome. I do want the things I say I want. I want them more than anything but yet there is some kind of a block that is preventing the transition from words to actuality. And fuck if I know what it is....
But wait do I know what it is? You bet your ass I know what it is. It is actually a little of this, a dash of that, and a whole lot of that other thing.
A little of this is overwhelmed and not knowing exactly where to start, well at least that is the story I tell myself that I do not know where to start. I do know that the best place is to start at the beginning exactly where I am at and with what I have. So tonight, I filled out the app for the fire department, I am on day 2 of quitting smoking slowly with a few smokes and a vape. I am writing and after I finish this going to figure out how the best way to accomplish a few things tomorrow before work.
A dash of that is anger. Wait, anger?? Really? Yup, anger. I am angry that at the age of 42 almost 43 is when I decide that I want all of this. Like what did I do with twenty plus years of time? How much time did I waste...blah blah blah. The only person I can be angry at is me and leads me back to the can't even feeling with myself. That is also where the imposter syndrome comes in. Even though I have example after example of things I have accomplished and the shit I have crushed as I rebuild this life, I also have a "But I did not do this or that yet." Fuck Dude, can you chill with beating yourself up for two minutes? A question that I ask myself regularly and normally the answer is no.
Which brings me to the whole lot of the other thing...fear. Wait Audie are you really afraid of things going right and what happens when you accomplish all the I say things above...honest answer, YUP. I am not just afraid, I am TERRIFIED. From the young age of 10, mother fucking TEN, I was pretty much conditioned that what I wanted to do, what I wanted to accomplish, or hell what I needed didn't matter. Do you know how crazy I feel when I realize and put it all together that I am afraid to matter to someone? I am afraid of accomplishing something for me because at 42 I just realized that for once it can be about me. That I am not doing this to get someone to notice me, hell I have a husband of almost 13 years, and he is not requiring me to do anything to be his wife besides be me.
Deep breath...breathe in and breathe out. I am starting a new two-week block tomorrow, utilizing my coaching and doing it in a different way. In roughly five weeks I will also have a new normal schedule as I change second jobs for about six months. So, I am signing off with this and in two weeks we will talk again as I start working through a new tool and continue to work through this, that, and the other thing. Now that they have names and I know what I am fighting against, I have a great meet me where I am at point.
Till Next Time-
Audie
