10 and 2...keeping 2 hands on the wheel of life!

9 and 3, 10 and 2...all the same, but they say when driving to keep your hands on the wheel. Life is no different. This blog has so much more meaning than simply my week in review and taking the time out to blog. Today marks 10 years since I lost my mom tomorrow is 2 since I lost my dad thus 10 and 2. This year also marks just 8 weeks ago the loss of my Bonus Dad. So yeah, I am slightly emotional this morning is a bit of an understatement. I have spent the last few days mulling over this blog, and how I wanted to present it. See, this year feels different. It hurts, I want to curl up and hide till October 16th and then pick life back up. I want to ignore all my adult responsibilities and hide away and in reality no one that is close to me would blame me, but that is what I do every year and October 16th turns into March firstish of the following year. And in reality, I am so freaking tired of this cycle.

Sooooo, what does this mean? It means I am not giving in and I am not backing down, but yet I am simply pausing for a bit today to get the emotions out. I am allowing the tears to fall. I am allowing the waves to come as needed and honestly there are still waves that I swear will take me back out into the rip tide of the chaos that is grief. This year I got a life jacket. This year I have a plan in place that will keep me from sinking. But wait, have you not had a plan every year? Yes, Yes I have, the difference between previous years and this year is I put the plan in motion over 60 days ago and it is not just a thought or a notion it is a habit.





That habit was the #justfortodayproject. Now that it is approaching 90 days, I am solidified in making that post happen on IG and Facebook daily. May come at different times, but it always happens. The next layer that is now approaching 60 days is following a workout program. I am 8 workouts from done and the next is waiting in the wings and for that one I am in an exclusive coach test group with the creator and one of the cast members is my coach. These two tweaks are going to lay the ground work for the next two...nutrition and quitting smoking. I swear this is killing me that I cannot simply put down the damn cigarettes, but all things happen in layers and I may just need to change the approach. I will make it happen...one day at a time and simply I may have just had to wait to get around this boulder...turn this struggle into a stepping stone and then focus on the next.


My mother was someone that to know her was to love her. She had her demons and things that could make you pull your hair out. My mom was not a saint but she had this magic to her that if I can raise my daughter with half that flair, well then I did something right. I know she sees and knows all. I know she is around and I can feel her spirit flow through me and I know how to channel her I mean there are so many times I open my mouth and my mother comes out, but some days it is not enough, I want to be able to call her and have my daughter know her, but that was just not written into the plan for me.

Now, my dad and my bonus dad both were amazing men and in their own ways influenced who I am. From my bonus dad there was my work ethic, my drive and from my dad there was the love of football, family, and a fierce ragged edge grittiness that was not taught but infused in my DNA. These three my parental units shaped me into the woman I am today. I am refuse to fall off...I refuse to say well I have been grieving and not take responsibility for MY actions (another bonus dad teaching).








So 10 and 2...keeping my hands on the wheel of life...I am trying a new approach to the fall and the time of the year where I chuck it in the !@#$ it bucket. Simply put, Queens Don't. (If you have not heard the song, check it out here
Queens Don't RaeLynn )

I got up this morning and grabbed my headphones and my coffee, I have a blurb for IG to come based off my readers, they really did not fit where I was coming from today. I am home today and am planning a trip to Wal-Mart today to pick a pumpkin and a Halloween costume for the kiddo and I have my regular stuff to do today. It is rest day from my workout today. But it will be active as I get things done that need to be be done. 

Tomorrow I jump into week 7 of Liift4. I got everything handled for starting Shift Shop Proving ground in about 3 weeks. The last week of Liift 4 is prep week for Proving Grounds. This is how I am keeping my hands on the wheel in my fitness. IG is easy, if I am up I am doing the readers and coffee. The next level is getting this nutrition and smoking under control. I have a few ideas and will share as I put them in place and make them stick. One thing that did fall apart this month was my planning and my habit tracking. So, making that a priority to bring back as I move into the end of October and pick it back up with Proving grounds on the 22nd.






Every step I have taken to this point has been a step outside of my comfort zone, posting this today, the whole concept of how I am going to stay the course....it is all new to me. Last year I thought I had it and work threw me a curveball. Not this year, I have learned to catch and release. I am calling the shots. I finally and I mean FINALLY have a vitamin combo that makes my fibro and all other chronic conditions livable and I no longer use them as an excuse or a crutch to allow me to not show up for me.

This was truly my last hurdle of 2018, getting through these next 48 hours and not allowing for the grief to rule how far I have come.  I will never get over the loss of my parental units. They were three amazing people and I have been blessed beyond belief to have them shape me and set the examples of how to or even on how NOT to do this crazy thing we call life. I have a new normal and in that discovery of what it is, I have found I just have to keep my hands on the wheel of life...10 and 2 and I will get anywhere I want to go in this messy, chaotic, beautiful thing I call my life.