Reflections of a confused kid on a journey

t You ever come across a meme that just sticks with you, and you can't get it. Out of your head, no matter what you try and do? This one was mine. For the past three weeks, it has had me thinking, and sometimes that is not good, but at this moment, it was just what I needed.

I got to thinking about where I was 10 years ago. I got to thinking about what was going on in my life and where I thought I was going, I thought about all the expectations I had, and I thought about all the plans I had made...and none of those expectations or plans are where I am now. Not a single one...






Confused as I am?? I was a girl on the verge of 30 who had just lost her mother that past October, this was a rough year. My first one without my mom and I was definitely not a mom was just making it through today with no break down here moment. I was pretty sure my life was a series of getting up going to work, volunteer, crash, and do it all again the next day. This was the year I went numb. It would not be for another year, back on Mother's day, that would I start to come out of the fog. Now don't get me wrong, I have amazing friends and family that helped me through this time! But I don't remember much from that year other than I turned 30. Now on the verge of 40, I am writing a whole new chapter in my book of life.

As I sat reflecting, I also realized that this is when I truly started using sarcasm and dry humor as not only a defense mechanism but as a way to stay sane when all I wanted to do was curl up and watch Glee. It was a craft I have honed well. I may not use it so much as a defense mechanism anymore. I still have a sassy, sarcastic side that is just part of who I am. I also have found that my perfect mate would match me in sarcasm and wit and challenge me in every way! 

See, my husband is the most supportive, cheerleader, teammate, the best friend I can ask for. (I still have another bestie, but that is a whole other blog for another day) but he is so different from anyone I ever have been with or even met of the male persuasion. See, he handed me the tools and helped me find the knowledge to fix things. He loved me even when I didn't love me, but he never once tried to fix me or also change me. I have done all of that with him cheering me on, but never felt like I had to.

Every set back I have had over the last 10 years has led to this moment. The moment that I am in right now has me excited, nervous, and full of possibilities. I am getting ready to embark on something that is going to be hard for me, but I am leaning in and making it happen. Last year was the year of the diamond. This year is looking like diamond 2.0. I was made into a diamond in the previous year, this year, I am being cut down and shined up!

The past five years have seen some more significant changes. I went back to work when we went civilian. Got two fantastic jobs, left one-lost one. I started moving forward with my fitness journey. In recovery from an eating disorder and food addiction. And I am also a little over a year away from a dual master's degree. I am celebrating nine years of marriage and a mom to a fantastic spitfire who is almost eight. What does this have to do with what I start tomorrow?? All of the above has everything to do with what comes next.

Tomorrow I am getting out of my comfort zone, and I am starting to train to walk a marathon. There are a few things here that I need to mention. One, I paid for the training program (yup, totally invested in my fitness for a plan to walk and train effectively for this!). Two, I have to pause it for two weeks towards the end for a reason. Three, we are in a season of uncertainty. Are we on break (pause if you will even)-are we not? We are in the middle of some very unknown times that need some accommodations we are not even sure of how to do. Four, and the big one-there is no exact nutrition plan to follow!!??!! SAY WHAT!!!???!!! You are going to leave that up to me??

I am so going to mess this up, not knowing what I should eat...or am I going to? This is why everything leads up to this. All the work I have done. All the reflecting, planning-knowing how to lay it out. When to work out and all the things lead up to here and now. I control what happens next. I choose what happens next. STarting something that does not have all the answers...makes me a little apprehensive. Knowing that I am immersed in coaching and that when the time comes, I will adjust and pivot accordingly makes me empowered and confident. I know over the past eight years of writing this blog, I have had a lot of false starts. I have had a lot of moments where I go all in, and then I mess up one day and let it all fall apart. I also know that I have had a lot of moments where I write consistently and then kinda drop off. I am not flaky-I am scared of what comes next. I am afraid of coming entirely out of my comfort zone. After a weekend-long coaching event with my coach and some fantastic friends and fit sisters, I did some reflecting this week. In that reflecting, I found, I am more scared of dying. I am more afraid of not being around to watch my own little Merida find her way in the world. I am more scared of settling than I am on what is on the other side of this next sixteen+two week journey.

 I don't know what the next 18 weeks hold. I don't know what my weight and inches are going to do. I don't know what my mile time is going to do...but what I do know there is not one expectation for them to do anything! There is no magic number to hit for any of it, and there is no expectation that by the end of this, I will be cooking all whole foods with not one processed food in sight. I know that coffee will still play a massive role in who I am, and I will always be a spoiled rotten, sarcastic ball of sunshine, you all know!

 I also know I am facing my fears and starting where I am with what I have. I may spend the next few weeks learning what my body needs for fuel for this training. I will also be spending the next few weeks learning where I am genuinely at with this training. Tomorrow morning, I am doing a 5-mile walk and timing how long so I have a baseline starting point. I am also done looking at the program as a whole. I have five weeks on paper in pretty pen and stickers. Well, there is a new motto. The prettier I make it on paper-the, the messier the action has to be. I know I am going to fuck this one up...

borrowed from a fellow #fitsister

But on that note-it is okay, I am going to fuck it up. It is okay that I am one hot mess of a mom, friend, wife, coworker-you name it-I am a hot mess! But that means I am showing up, and I am taking action. (And these are words of wisdom borrowed from my fantastic Coach, Tulin Emre, but again that is a blog for another day!) When you think about the diamond, and when they start cutting it down and shinning it up-there is action to it. There is a purpose behind doing it because they are going to use it in some way. I am not sure what my purpose is just yet-we are just at the beginning stages of cutting and polishing. There are rhyme and reason for everything...I mean, I started this blog on 4/26, and here were are 2 weeks later, and the words I needed finally came.



So y'all until next time-
Audie