In this season I am currently in, I normally don't feel a damn thing. Just pass me the little Debbie Christmas tree cakes and keep them coming. Hand me the Oreos and I will wash them down with this 2 liter of Mountain Dew. Weirdly enough, I don't really like Mountain Dew anymore, except the occasional Mountain Dew Zero. The first little Debbie, a couple of Oreos taste delicious, then they kinda just taste like I am pouring sugar down my throat. Well fuck, my comfort foods don't work anymore.
Also, what does that have to do with the title...everything. My normal go-to, my normal ways to calm my anxiety don't work anymore. Which is a good thing. However lately, I keep catching myself anticipating next Spring. I catch myself trying to speed past this season because truth be told, I am uncomfortable as hell.
I don't know how to do this season one day at a time. It is also my first holiday season in a few years and I am not forced to Christmas in November. It is the first holiday season I am not dreading working on black Friday. Which leads to more anxious feelings. How the hell does this make any sense?
Because that was my normal. Because everything has changed, while massively better, still a change. Change can rattle an addict, even good change. Sometimes I still wait for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes I expect to wake up and look just like I did at the beginning of this whole recovery journey. Now, I am not white-knuckling this...but I am trying things 2 and 3 days at a time.
I am trying to anticipate how things are gonna look in a few days, weeks, months. My brain is probably six months ahead of me sometimes and my body is getting whiplash trying to keep up. I am borrowing trouble that I do not need to borrow.
So what the hell do I do? Well for starters, this. The blogging helps keep me centered. Picking up creative writing helps too. While yes, in my head I am a few chapters ahead of what is on paper, the writing process itself...old school pencil to paper keeps me grounded in this moment.
I am also a planner, trying to keep it stupid simple, one day at a time. While fighting this urge to plan things...dude!
So last night, I took an impromptu trip to Michael's, Starbucks, and Target. Bought a few Christmas things and just talked and laughed with a friend. This morning I woke up recharged and refreshed. In this moment...it hit me. In a season of doing things differently, I have to actually do things differently.
In years past, I hibernate, I hide, and I turn down the invites because I need the alone time. I didn't need alone time to recharge, I needed it to feed the gremlin that no one wanted to hang out with me. Can we just call this what it is...Bullshit.
Now, yes I do very much need that sweatpants and coffee curled up with a blankie binge watching TV every now and again. But in this new way of doing things...I need people.
So for now, my cup is full. My anxiety and anticipation is calm. I am present to how I am feeling. I even got a little writing done last night. It is an amazing feeling. I might have over spent a bit. It is okay, money comes as easily as it goes these days.
Wrapping up...Do the crazy thing, do the thing that fills you with joy! Do what feels good...whatever it takes to not feed the gremlins that are anxiety or anticipation!
Till next time y'all-
Audie
