I have always always always had a problem with the mundane and repetition of it all. It is something that I truly hated and in my opinion one of the hardest parts of being a parent, repeating myself over and over. Even telling my kid my name is Mom not Broken Record. This morning, I stumbled to the coffee pot, fed the cat, went out to the porch, and then turned on Glee for the 3rd, 4th, or 5th time-the point being I have lost count; I had a gut-check moment. I can repeat myself when I want to when it is easy when it is fun, and it brings calm to my chaotic mind.
Then I got to thinking about what I do on repeat without thinking about it. I also thought about what I want to do with my life and the goals I have...and there are a lot of behaviors that do not line up. It hit hard that me, ME was the missing link in the ensuring that the behaviors I was repeating is what were holding me back. I am learning repeated lessons becuase while so much was changing, there was a part of me that refuesed to just get on board. Now, thanks to the coaching that I am in I know two things:
1) I am not self-sabotaging on purpose, but out of protection. I also know that I can make the shifts by living in harmony with certain things.
2) That every behavior I want to change, I can change! If I created this certain path-I can create new ones.
Once I had the profound aha moment, I did a few things. The first thing I did was blow the dust of my computer and start writing this. The second thing was I got real with what I want to accomplish. See, I want to turn this blog into a full fledge book-brand-I want to make an impact. The only way I can do that is to use the tools that I have and to get real with how I want to use my voice. There is one voice that I can attribute to knowing how powerful my own can be...People really do come into your lives for a reason.
My coach has always stated she will believe in us till we believe in ourselves. Well, I always start believing...then some life event or thing happens and POOF! I am back under some weird spell of the unbelief. This morning somewhere between a rendition of another Journey Song and my morning cup of anti murder juicy juicy I felt the spell break. I felt a twinge of what I was on the verge of back in April. I got to thinking about what it was that lead to me to that moment and the fear of stepping out of the comfort zone. And in the moment I again was reminded that I have a choice. I can reconnect with that version of me that I was falling in love with or I can continue to spend time in this cocoon of safe space that 6 out of 10 habits truly don't serve me.
I realized that somewhere I am stilling holding on to trying to do it perfectly instead of just trying to do it. Instead of just taking a series of actions, I am so stuck on getting one action, I am trying to keep everything in boxes and not touching another box until I finished unpacking one. Then once I got the one box unpacked and moved onto the other...I was starting to repack the 1st pack therefore creating a visious cycle that I felt I just could not get out of!
Now, as I wrap this up before digressing into the usual-I am gonna do better and blah, blah, blah...cause the truth is I was never off track. I was still making small changes and making a lot of progress. What I am focusing on right now is getting back to what was working back in Jan-April and then layering it up. I will be getting back to writing as well training my body and mind to be all in sync. Because I refuse to let myself back track or let myself down...I have a mini me that is watching my every move-time to set the example that no matter what happens we can always wake up one morning and make the choice that today is the day we just do the damn thing.
Till Next Time-
Audie
