This week man...two weeks into this personal coaching and DAMN!! Plus work is semi slowing down in one job so I am alone with music and thoughts a lot. Which for me could be dangerous. Pair that with a commitment to myself to blog once a week and the readers and devotional...holy shit!!! So what is going on in this head of mine...glad you asked.
First, going back to the coaching...I was asked to just pay attention to the things I just do like light a cigarette and drink my cup of coffee. Or grab that soda-a zero soda but a soda either way. Bringing awareness to things was a little uncomfortable but without awareness I can't change things. Then in a reader I saw something that resonated with me...Awareness, Acceptance, and then Action. It clicked...I can't take any action till I accept that this is who I am and it is what it is. I was trying to skip a fucking step.
So here I am trying to skip a major step and get frustrated because the changes in my thought pattern and what I do just were not happening consistently or sometimes at all. Like in my head I had this plan and it should work out, I could get it down on paper or here but I couldn't get it off the paper. Because I just wasn't accepting that this is who or what I was or did. But see there is an element to acceptance I was not willing to do...forgive myself.
See I blamed myself for us going broke, homeless, not living up to societal expectations, expectations that I had placed on myself for being a "good" mom...hell the list goes on. That unwillingness to forgive myself then manifested into anger. Anger then turns to bitterness and here we are not even wanna be with myself. Like I am truly didn't even wanna be around me. When I hit that mood...dude it can be bad.
Then this morning listening to music, Celebrate by Ingrid Michaelson and AJR came on and few lines caught my attention..."Asking myself what if, what if...what if I just don't care? You do you and I will do me." After a third or fourth listen...it clicked. What if I just don't care about all the expectations? What if I let all that shit go? What if I accepted that this is my life right now and all these moments I have in front of me and it is my responsibility to make those moments count. I am going to celebrate the small moments and make them count. Even if in that moment all I can do is breathe it is okay and still something to celebrate.
Does this me I won't get angry anymore? Hell Nah...anger is an emotion! I am gonna feel it from time to time and that is okay. What is not okay is lashing out in anger. That is when I have to take a moment to breathe before I say or do anything. This is where the acceptance comes in. I have to accept that anger is part of life, just like disappointment, the word no, sadness, and grief...what matters is the actions I take to process these emotions.
This week I am fully aware of things...smoking tastes awful, I prefer flavored water over soda, coffee is still very much a needed life fuel, and I am not a bad mom or wife but a housewife is not a role for me. I need help and I don't have to or just need to do a damn thing. And I did not cause the broke or homeless chapter of our story...life just happened. Point blank...everyone of these things are very much an it was it was moment.
Putting them down on paper so to speak is the first step in accepting these things. The next step is to then to start putting small actions into changing what I don't like and embracing what I do like! I also have noticed I am starting to change...or grow. I am changing spending habits to saving habits. I am feeling a rewire of the brain so to speak...and what I am finding is I am drifting back to being a person I was in a small mountain town. I am drifting back to the person I was back when my only stress was getting up early and what makeup I was gonna wear after class...and I like it.
This does not mean that my stress of working mom/wife life has disappeared but it does mean I am not focusing on it. It will all get done and I don't have to do it all by myself lol. I have a support system...hell I have a village that can help me. I am in an awkward stage of this growth process and that is okay because it is what it is...
Till next time y'all-
Audie
