Finding myself

 I get lost in words. Words I am reading, writing, pumping into my ears as the music warms my soul. Words are powerful. They can make or break you...the stories and words you use with yourself specially. 

I realized this two days ago as I went to do my hashtags on a instagram post. Plus size specifically tripped me up. Plus size describes me yes...but what does plus size have to do with my blogging? Plus size is not what I want my fitness journey to hang on. Writers come in all shapes and sizes, the focus should be on anything besides me being plus size. 

So I dropped the plus size from my hashtags. My personality and my talent is not located in my fat cells. I had this realization before, but it hit differently in this season. As my voice grows stronger...words are taking on a whole different meaning. I am finding me and I do not be plus size forever.

 Yes, weight loss is not my focus this season, but the more I dig into who I be, the more I am craving movement. Doesn't everyone have a dance party with coffee at 6 am? Ohh, just me? Awesome! 

Now, with dropping these words am I worried about losing my audience...nope. The right ones will find me when they need to. It is not like I hide this, just sayin'. The readers will find me. 

I am starting to also notice that the readers are not hitting like they used to. The words are losing their power. It does not mean that they don't work, it just means I am feeling what I need to when I need to without needing a reminder. However they are there when I need them and will use them as needed. 

At it's core my recovery was my first selfish act. It is the first thing I did something for me that was about me. It was the starting point of all of this. Yes the blog is older then my recovery. It started this path of asking my self questions and digging to find the better version of me. 

I am also no longer clinging to recovery as a life raft in an ocean of self hatred. I like me and falling in love with rediscovering my favorite parts of me. I am also slowly becoming less introverted, I crave human interaction. 

Now, I still value my alone time and my down time, but I am seeing a different balance in it. I also am starting to see where my daughter gets it from. She is truly my mini! 

Wrapping up this one with this...finding myself as I navigate my 40's is priceless. It is a reminder that I am not dead yet. I have dreams and goals I can achieve even if tweaked from what I thought they would be! You are truly never too old to just start.

Till next time-

Audie

Another year of Commitment

 Married. Yesterday marked 12 years of I do. It marked 12 years of ups and downs. It has not been easy and staying committed...wow! Now I love my husband and the life we are rebuilding, but the commitment piece got me. The same person over and over, every day, even on days I don't like him very much. Yup, I said that there are days I don't like him very much. I love him, and I fall deeper in love with him every day, but there are times he is not very likeable. And even on those days, he is still my fish and don't touch my fish. This got me thinking, what other things am I committed to like him?

I am committed to my lifestyle of surviving on nicotine and caffeine, seriously you will probably have to pry them from my hands. I work in food services and am I writer. They are not the things to touch. Also my notebook, headphones, and pencils. My computer is also not the item of mine to play with. Goes without saying, you touch my daughter and I will smile in my photo-try me. But what else?

Then it hit me, I am committed to finding me. This is not a one-and-done thing. There is always growth, there are always evolutions. This year of my recovery is about being intentional. Let me explain, I am not one who picks my word of the year at the beginning of a true year, I am not one who wants to set resolutions or plans for the year in January. I prefer to use my recovery date. There are many reasons for it. It is the gear up to trying season for me, where I try and just survive it, it is where things feel right for me to start. I work better with a fiscal year. I mean it is my year so why should I have to conform to what society says is a year? I mean every year is my year because I just keep making tweaks, changes-edits if you may to what I am doing to make things work. 

What I have really learned is that commitment is not hard, it is a choice. I choose to love my husband & my daughter, I choose to go to work as scheduled, I choose to show up. However the past few years, outside of a sporadic blog, a random work out plan or way of eating, things that make me-me, I let the commitment to that slide. I committed to everyone and everything that was not about me. Then I got mad when it was not about me. You know what-Fuck that! I want it to be about me. I need it to be about me. I have always been in the shadows wondering when someone would see me-the real me. Not the mom, not the employee, not the wife-but me. Even growing up I had to fight to be seen. I made dumb decisions and choices to try and stand out. Because for just a second I wanted it to be about me. 

My writing, both this and my currently untitled Shameless fanfic, is just that. This is all mine, it is all about me. Without me, it doesn't happen. I do because I love the way it feels, I do it for the rush, and I do it because no can take it from me. This feeling doing what I love is better then rush from shopping or eating ever got me. However, the other day, randomly while doing dishes, I paused and did a set of squates...umm what? I am having dance parties by myself, I am randomly just moving my body. There is like a switch that flipped. I was mind blown, I am craving water-both flavored and plain. I am present with things going on. The most mind blowing thing-my head is a safe space! Holy Shit! 

So that brings me back to commitment and intention. For the next 5 months I am committing to one thing and one things only-my writing. It keeps me present and accountable with the blog. That is always what this has been-an accountablity tool. Too bad it took so long for me to see it, but hey better late then never! I also am not scheduling the blogs-I can blog from anywhere and will get them in when and where they fit. My story is what is keeping me grounded and less spiral. It is how I am getting back to the me I love being. The deeper I get into this, the more I feel like myself and my cup is becoming truly full again. 

As I wrap this up, the fact I am in a selfish persiod means I am actively filling this cup-one day, one word, one page at a time. But it will not last forever, my cup will eventually fill up and overflow. When I hit that overflow, watch out! There is a verision of me coming that I don't even know! It is a trip finding and reintroducing myself to me first is a pretty awesome feeling. I can't wait to see where this year takes me and to take y'all on this journey with me. It is true what they say-you are never too old to begin again or to chase a dream. 

Till Next Time-

Audie