Grace, Grit, and Coffee makes it all possible!

 What a week I have had! I have learned a lot about myself this week. Reading well um listening to an amazing book... The four tendencies and learning a bit more about me and learning how to make things work better in my life at almost 39 is kinda eye-opening. The one thing this week has truly taught me is, I know I can do better, so I have to do better. Sounds super simple right? Yeah, about that let me tell you, learning who you are and how to thrive in it is a full-time job by itself. But it is one that is worth it.

 This week has had some great highs, confidence boosts that you are understanding what you are learning in a new job, but there were some uncomfortable moments. This week I truly learned that just because you plan it, you put it on pretty paper, and use stickers it is not magic gonna wake up on Day 1 and run with it. Hell, here I am at the end of week 1 of the 14-day blocks and some things are still not clicking. Things got really uncomfortable this week because my head was really really looking for an excuse to say ahh well, we messed up this week anyway, let's have a Pepsi and reconfigure and start the 14 days over on the 8th..... then I had a small come to Jesus with my head and in this I found some magic and happy to report even though week 1 was not 100% nailed...I did get over the hurdle and am halfway through my first 14-day block.
This is exactly what I did on Wednesday night, yes we got take out and here we are three days in and I caved...but did I really? This was the night things got real with me and I had a few things click. This thing I am doing, I did not plan lightly...Much like how God laid out the plans for my life. He did not plan it lightly, so I am not gonna scrap it because I missed a few stickers in my habit tracking. I also have not only hope but faith this is going to work this time.









I am committed to what I am doing, I am committed to My Just For Today Project. But just like life and my recovery journey has made some changes, so does this project. I am working on some tweaks and in this, the project needs to grow like I am. As I evolve in my life so does everything else. What I can say as I have gotten through five almost six days doing it this way and I have had only a few white knuckle I can not do this moments. Not because of wanting to binge, but because I started to get stressed(??), anxious (??), possibly even overwhelmed about having to do all this stuff for 14 days....wait wait wait!!!

I did not have to do these things 14 times in one 24 hour period, I have 14 days to do these things 14 times...essentially just for today. Just for today, I work out once, I track what I eat once, I drink one shake, I journal one day...and boom!!! I had a grasp by day 3 of something that I had missed every time I started to attempt these 14-day blocks. I also was reminded as much as I am an #amazonprimekindamom. I can not order up this on Amazon and it comes in just two days. Even though this clicked on day 3 (kinda prime-ish), I still had some misses on the next few days, but I have not thrown the towel! I am not giving up.




If I give up now, I give up on more than just this 14-day thing, I give up on the be here a year challenge that I am over half way through! I give up on becoming the woman I am working on becoming. I tell my husband, my daughter, my mother that they are not worth fighting for. That they are not worth the effort. And I will be damned before those words ever cross my lips and my actions do not support this thought process now that it is full swing.

Another thing that came up this week in conversations in my coaching group is this question...what am I doing? In the past I have said mental health first, the rest is kinda happening...but in truth, I am doing whatever it takes! I am making small changes daily (2 weeks soda free) that are coming together. It is a process that has affected not only my mental health, my physical health, but my professional life. I am willing to do whatever it takes to hold tight to my recovery and to fight for my husband, my daughter, and my mother.

And this right here was another reminder this week, I am working on that be here a year challenge, that does not mean being here in this exact mindset doing the same things over and over expecting different results, that is fear of failure and insanity taking over. I want to be here a year from now as a next level version of me. I want to have learned how to apply and use all of the tools that I have, I want to be working on reaching the next goal because I have crushed the previous ones. So be here a year and being in the exact same spot in a year are two very different sentences and concepts!

If I have learned anything in these past few years of my recovery it is this:
1) It is a choice I make daily to remain in it.
2) When it comes first, the rest falls into place
3) I am not doing it alone-God has this in full control and in this, I just have to remember and say the serenity prayer one to seven hundred and twenty-five times a day! I am only in control of the things in me...thus I am asking for the courage to change me and accept everything else! As I move through this part...well Awkward is going to be an understatement as well as I move through this, my awkward will become more quirky and dextrous (flexible and easy but not that kind of easy!)

The wins this week, I realized that a 12,500 step goal (6.25 miles a day) was unrealistic as I have a job that has me in a chair, a wheelie chair, but a chair either way for 8 hours a day. I also have slacked on the steps...so I lowered it to 7500 and the last 2 days I have hit it! I also have journaled and stuck with no soda for 2 weeks. I also only caved one day to take out every other day I either came home and cooked or there were leftovers. Not every goal is gonna be hit perfectly, and for a reforming all or nothing kinda kid, this is progress.

As I wrap for this week, I have said this a few times this week, but it is my current season. Ebb and Flow. I am learning to surf these waves that life throws at me. Sometimes I nail it and sometimes I eat sand, but no matter what, I get back up. In this one motion, I am proving something to myself, I am not settling, I am stopping the behaviors that brought me to the beginning a little more each day, and I am NOT failing this time.


No matter what happens in this 24 hours there is nothing that a little grace, grit, and coffee cannot get me through, till next time!
Audie

Not Day 1 but yet Day 184...my journey to be here a year from now.

 This morning there were a few major AHA moments, there were milestone moments and in the planning and getting everything set up for taking this step out of comfort zone, I have already discovered two very big truths that now that I know, I know it will help me be more successful in this layer of the coaching I am adding in. With that said:
I need to add a disclaimer:
This is all coming from my heart from the readers, the coaching, and the time in reflection I have spent in the first 184 days of this year-long journey. This is going to be a long one and would be better enjoyed with a cup of coffee (well depending on who is reading maybe tea). I am also very much on a spiritual walk getting closer with God and my foundation of faith, but I also still cuss a little so there may be some language sprinkled in here. Kick back, put your feet up and enjoy the ride cause I know I did when doing the prewriting and figuring out just what I wanted to write in this weekly blog update!


There were four AHA's this morning, 2 smaller, 2 larger. So I am going to tackle them one at a time...
First AHA: I have to do the work. Ok, so that may seem like a captain obvious comment, but let me explain. I have lived this just for today; one day at a time mantra since August 23, 2015. Giving myself grace daily when I mess up, miss a workout, get caught up in the busy that does not always exist anywhere other than in my own head, or I eat whatever is on hand. Quite honestly this has gotten way to easy. WAY TO EASY!!! So, I am challenging myself to focus on 14 days time to take the actions needed. To allow me to plan, but also being comfortable not knowing the outcome of a short-term S.M.A.R.T. Goal setting time frame. I have 8 goals set for the 14 days, 2 for each of the focuses of FHNS (my coaching group) 3 small bonus goals. I have the tools and the plans, now I have to do the work, take action and see what happens when I focus on only what I can control which is what I eat, what I do, what I drink, and how I move. The rest will fall into place. Speaking of how I eat this leads into AHA #2!

AHA #2: For 3 almost 4 years I have been working on this journey of weight loss and getting my nutrition right. I could get started for a few days, then it felt restrictive and I squashed it. I used money and everything else I could as an excuse. It was too expensive, my family would not eat this way, um takes to much time...you get the picture. I started toying with this idea of changing up how I do things and then stopped...I was yo-yo dieting without the diet. This morning it hit me 1) If I eat to enjoy my food and look at what fuels me better, it is sustainable because I will easily eat this way for the rest of my life. No thought process, no start/end date, just simply eat the foods I enjoy that fuel me. By doing this I turn weight loss over to the God of my understanding and how much I lose, how fast I lose it is no longer any of my business. I am simply letting go of the burden of I HAVE to lose the weight and focusing again on what I control...the rest will take care of its self.


 Which leads to the second half of this HUGE aha...I figured out the hurdle of Nutrition and why I can not get over it. In my subconscious, every time I started getting into the rhythm of this my inner two-year-old would take over and I would feel restricted again, when I feel restricted I tend to relax to prevent going back into a binge/compulsive eating behaviors.  I was still very much focused on the food, not the amazingly fun time I could have with planning and being creative in adding in traditionally healthy foods or the amount of time I truly saved by prepping ahead of time to prevent hitting up Uber Eats or the frozen section of the grocery store.  I also still have the family thing and that was another captain obvious moment. I can eat the foods they are eating, I don't have to eat the portions that they are eating or I can make tweaks that make my dinner a little better. I do not have to make 2 full meals, I just have to make an extra veggie and portion mine out a little better.


Moving on to
AHA #3:  I am adding in a half hour of movement this two-week block. I am doing this not because I have to because my coach says so, I am doing this simply because I can. It is no secret that I have chronic conditions that sometimes make this hard, that means I have to modify  that means my weight loss may not look like others...but this is my journey, this is my current level and this is where I am at right now...who knows where starting where I am with what I have will lead me too, but right now I have been blessed with the ability to move. I can physically do something so I am gonna do it! And I can do this because of aha #4 (the other big one)

AHA #4: I am healing. I am healing in spirit and mind. 10 years ago I lost my Mom, 3 years ago I lost my Dad, and just a year ago I lost my bonus, Dad. I have had a past that was turbulent, I have worn this on me and carried it with me long enough. I was diagnosed with one of the three chronic conditions that caused professionals to say we can not help you at 25 (14 years ago!). Grief and mental health issues were the banes of my existence. Through nothing less than the Grace of God, a little help from my friends and family, and the amazing coaching and #fitfam...I can tell you I am truly learning to embrace a new normal. This is my life now, no amount of eating, sitting on the couch on my phone, no amount of procrastination, refusing to move forward out of my comfort zone is going to change any of the above. It damn sure is not going to bring my parental units back. So I have reached a level of true acceptance. I thought I had before, but this time feels different.






 It feels different because it is. Because I am choosing to move forward in a way that honors them and teach my daughter who they truly were. I am not saying life was easy and they damn sure were not perfect (nor was I the perfect daughter!) But they all had traits that I want to carry on and instill in my daughter. I want to keep their memory alive in a positive and loving way. 

I am coming out of a very stormy period in my life. I am coming out of a painful place. Again this is where God's Grace comes in. This morning in my reading  I came across Psalm 51:10 (picture below). When I looked more into the study of the word renew in the verse I was mind blown! It was used as a word meaning repair or renovate. WHat was ruined is being restored. Praying to be rebuilt from the inside out. The mindset, the heart, the drive to make things happen for me, not to me!  The ability to stop making mountains out of molehills. To be thankful for everything that is happening...even the bad as it leads to better. ( I mean let's be honest if Carter's had not cut the hours back would I have ever gone looking for a new job and landed this amazing one that aligns with how I want to feel??)

Yes, I have been at this a very long time! I have been sharing my story, I have been working on this weight loss thing, I have been trying to heal...but I am glad that it has taken me a long time. I am thankful God took his time to answer prayers right down to not sending me the man that was meant for me until I was in my thirties, not making me a Mom till then as well. I was not ready and I would not be half the woman I am today without that darkness, but as Albus Dumbledore said:

Now there is one more nugget that I was given this morning...as I got hit with these amazing AHA's...I still have to remain coachable. I still have to stay in the moment, do the work, and not get too cocky in my thinking. 





I am doing this by ensuring that I spend my mornings in my coffee moments, one of the bonus goals is pouring into three #fitfam members for every post I make in the group, even if positive cannot simply dump and run. The best way to share this gift I have is to give it away. It is also remembering I am still exorcising demons.

 This is still only part of my roadblocks and I am still in my own way and own head at times. It is a work in progress and if I was done, what would I have to write about, what could I do to reach the next level self. My bonus Dad told us a day we did not learn something new was a day wasted, I never want to waste a day and I know I have a lot more to learn about this new me as I learn my new normal navigating life and there will always be new challenges  up ahead on this journey I am on.









This is my current level...and yes, I may still cuss a bit and my filter may be broken on my level of sarcasm and if my mouth does not say, my face surely will! But one thing this last 184 days has taught me is this: Everything I thought was a negative that was happening to me lead me to a greater thing that was happening for me. I am truly blessed with a messy, chaos filled, beautiful, always in motion life that in these past eight years after taking on of the biggest leaps out of my comfort zone has blessed me with everything I truly need, even when I did not know I needed it or wanted it. I am hard at work pursuing things I never even dreamed possible and I am thankful for the broken road that brought me to today. Tomorrow will bring whatever it may, the next fourteen days will bring with it what I need as well...But right now for today, I am thankful I am where I am and ready to meet my next level self.

 My coffee cup is empty, my heart is full, till next time y'all!
Audie