The past 12 days, all 12 of them had an undeniable theme. The theme was about choices and decisions. There was also a sprinkle in there about setting the example, leading by example, and wording. It has been a crazy almost two weeks of thinking, reflecting, and application. Many things that had me wondering if I was doing the right thing and if I should continue what I was doing, and the first thing that popped up when I was considering this was...
I could stop doing this when I am just hitting a stride with it, or I could continue and allow for things to develop organically. I found that I have a skill, and I do have a story that can help even just one. I then also considered that I have a coach that is amazing at setting an example. What hit me at this moment, by doing what I do, I am not only the candle spreading the light. I am also a mirror that reflects the light she puts out. I am also on a very spiritual journey this year, and by sharing my story of how faith, grace, and gratitude changed this once angry and bitter person, I am doing what I feel called to do. So I decided to continue working on the road so far, and the message I am feeling called to share.
Then this came up I am raising a mini-me. I am also setting an example of going to work, going to school, and setting an example of boundary setting with her. See, my mini has not set foot in a school since March 2020. She is with me if I am not at work, the only time I have for me is when she is sleeping, or it was. As I solidified the morning routine, I started setting boundaries; it was not done when she got up...I was still on my time. I made sure to pause, greet her and let her know, Mommy needs a few more minutes before the crazy kicks in. This allows me time to set the tone for my day and ensure I will be able to be present with her later...20 more minutes for mom equals a more present and focused mom later in the day. This decision was powerful because I finally put myself and my needs first. Then came a doozy...
I can make whatever choice I want to with each thing thrown my way for the day, but I am not free from the consequences of that choice. I can choose not to do a lot of stuff...dishes, laundry, workout, not drink the water...but every result of not doing those things falls on me. Dirty clothes to work, no clean space to feed my family, my mobility fades (chronic illness thrives when you break routine), and my body hangs on to every drop of water, thinking it will be the last. So then came the wording thing...If I can change the wording of tasks to reps, I can change have to as well. Now I get to clean the kitchen, get to do the laundry, and do so many things.
And yes, I get to do all the things. See a few years ago in the depression, in the anger, limited mobility...all of the mental anguish that kept me on the change cause nothing would ever change...I really could not do any of it...I could only stand for maybe 20 mins at a time...but I started there in August of 2015. I started digging into the readers, the same ones I am using now. I started moving just little bits...and I have made my way from there to here...
Yes...it is me in both. My jewelry making friend shared some old fan pics, and I had to look twice at them...I made different choices every day from then till now to get to where I am. I did not wake up one morning and was where I am on the left. I put in work; I mean work on my mental health. I may have slid back and forth a few times, but in the end, I still showed up for me.
See before making the decisions, and I was choosing to stay stuck by not making any decision. In reality, not choosing was still a decision. Time always passed by, and I could feel my health and my mental state got worse. Just a little over eight weeks ago was the first time in 5 years that I felt like the old angry and my give a damn's busted old me starting to come back. I chose to stop that immediately. I worked too hard to get to here to let it all be for nothing. This then goes back to the decision to continue my just for today project. There is a lot of my story that others can relate to, and in that, I knew I had to continue. I also knew that I wanted to see what could happen if I started 365 days in a row with prayer, mediation, journaling, and coffee. Suppose I started each day of the 365 just focused on the 24 hours in front of me.
I wanted to see what would happen if I started each day not worrying about what happened yesterday that I can not change and let tomorrow's issues arise when it was tomorrow's turn. I chose that this project was something that I wanted to see through. Because my goal has always been to grow this into something...I still do not know what; God has not made that known yet, but I know He said it is supposed to grow. The only way it grows is to continue to move forward.
In a moment of reflection on past blogs and posts, there was something that jumped out. It was evident that it looked like there were a lot of failures to launch moments to some. All I could see was the number of times I have lost the same 50-60 pounds, have "changed"...all of it. Then the quote to your left showed up not once, not twice, but three times in the last few days...in every post and blog, there was an enthusiasm that this time would be the time. In the past five years, I have had tremendous success in a place where many would see it as failure...and if I needed any more confirmation...
I am proud of who I am becoming. I am not ashamed of this journey. Just because someone else may see it as less of a success and more of a failure does not mean I need to embrace that shame they are trying to cast on me. I am not ashamed of my story, my journey, none of it. I am going through it for a reason. I do not need to know the cause; that is for God to know. Shame is not a feeling I choose to feel about something that has brought growth, spiritual awakening, and got me to embrace who I am, chronic illness limitations and all.
As I wrap up this entry into the 2021 goal of 52 blogs, I want to leave you with this. I did not plan on being on my journey this long. I did not plan on mental health to focus for five years, but when you have a lot more than five years of issues to sort through...five years to process it is not too terrible in the grand scheme of things. The plans have changed so often that detours, scenic routes, straight up flat tires, and u-turns have happened on this road so far that my goal never has. I made that decision on August 23rd, 2015-I, I would get healthy inside and out, and I am sticking to it one failure at a time on my road to success.
Till Next Time,
Audie!
