I always had time to complain I did not have time for me, but yet I found every excuse as to why I could not simply find a morning routine that worked for me. I always thought that I had too much to do to put in the time for me. I should be doing 75 other things.
Then we entered into the dynamic, and my husband started helping me, and in that, I started practicing a pause. This was not just pausing before I spoke, but before I acted, before I gave myself every reason why I didn't have to do this. By practicing the pause, I realized that I had at least three reasons why I should in every excuse I had not to.
I did not like how scatterbrained I felt in the morning and found myself doing nothing in the morning because I could not simply do what it was that I needed to do. I had lost my zest due to losing that time with my coffee. I still had my coffee, but I was in front of the TV or playing a game. It was not setting me up for success later in the day, nor did it set the tone.
I started making small dedicated changes, one at a time, not all at once. I had a few things down to a science, make the coffee and feed the cat. I also knew that at some point, I had to get the kiddo out of bed. So there was a progression from this. First, I added in the water before coffee, which is easy as making the coffee, then I brought back the journaling starting January 1st. I added in getting dressed, including hair and makeup, no matter what my day held (home or out), and 3 days ago, I added in a 30-minute walk. This has been a progression over time. I can do this routine easily on a day off or an afternoon workday. Today I am writing this because I do not have to get kiddo up till around 9:30ish; I am working a short morning shift, so I will be home later to do any housework, and I am not in a full-on rush even though I have to leave the house around 10:15. Saturday and Sunday have a different feel than Monday through Friday, even though I could work them.
These small layered changes over the past almost 8 weeks have been not only game-changing but life-changing. Every new layer added has been calculated to the point where I am very protective of this. I got authentic with myself and my time, and every time I detoured, I found a way back. I also had a mental meeting with myself. I have 24 hours in a day. I sleep at least 6 of them, which leaves me 18 hours to work with; what are 2, 2, and a half hours for me? That is a mere 11%-14% of my day. Am I really telling myself that I am not worth 11% of my time? Am I really telling myself that everything else I have 86%-89% of my time for is more important than my mental and physical health?
There is so much freedom in this structure that I am not working on creating a nighttime routine. I start a new 14-day block on Monday, so the timing is right, and it allows me the freedom to tweak, add, remove, and do all the things I did with the morning routine. I am also finding that the closer I get to having the routine I want, the more it rubs off on my kiddo and gives her the stability she needs.
This has been a process that I truly started 8 and a half years ago when I brought my mini-me home. There has always been a semblance of a routine. There has always been certain stability in her life; it has just been a slow process to get here. When I also sit and reflect on it, I will not beat myself up for it. There has always been some small action taken. I did not just stand still for 8 years. I definitely made sure that the basics and most of all of the wants were handled. But something was missing. Creating these routines fill in those blanks.
These past two weeks have also pointed out what it is that has exactly gotten me from there to here...grace, grit, and gratitude—the three G's of my success. In the past five years specifically, I have not given up totally. God has played a large point, as this is the story he has written for me, knowing all of the mistakes and such I would make to get here. I am grateful for every setback, every fuck up (I do still cuss a little and will drop an F-bomb where it is needed), every misstep. It has fueled me to here. To be able to give myself grace when all the above happen without thinking about it. I also have a lot of grit, determination to be the best version, not the new version of me. To be frank, I like me. Hell, I LOVE ME.
I am a misfit, I cuss a little, I need a lot of dental work done, I can be bitch when I need to be, But I love hard, I fiercely protect those important to me, I show up for a challenge, and I will accept responsibility for any area that I screw up and do better the next time.
As I wrap this up to get my workout done before shower and work, I want to say that all of my mental health work is what got me here. I did not just wake up one morning and was magically here. Hell, I am still working through things on paper I have not put anywhere else. There is also something on the horizon that will kick some things into high gear with my mental work, but that is to come, and I am not waiting on it. I am just using what I have and starting where I am. I will level up and utilize the new when it is the right time.
Till Next Time Y'all,
Audie!
