The discovery of my new normal

This week I had a flare day. I knew it was coming, it had been coming for awhile, so I finally listened and went down for the day on Tuesday. I could not be more grateful that I did, and I bounced back on Wednesday. 24 hours and back in the game. When I posted about it, the response was overwhelming and in it I realized that the time had come for me to open up a bit about what it truly means to live with an eating disorder/food addiction in recovery while also living with a chronic condition. There was a new normal to find and this is how I found it, but am also still finding ways to make it better as well as grow from it. I am not my conditions or my circumstances. They do not define me, but they are very much a part of who I am and why I do what I do.

This also ties into my season of drop it all and pick it up again when it is more convenient for my emotional stability and mental health. This is the story of how I took the last ten years to accept it, to suck it up and to find a way to make it just part of normal everyday life.













There are two very important dates to remember here. The first is 2014...15 years ago a doctor looked at me and said you have fibromyalgia at 24 years old...for those that do not know what that is let me share this with you...

This, at 24 well before I met my husband, had my daughter...but I kept it moving due to knowing that I had to work, I also had started volunteering with a fire department and eventually an EMS agency. I did this for four years before the next big event...In October of 2009, I lost my mother. That really changed things. I went numb for two years...auto-pilot through everything. I had a routine and for six years I rocked that routine. Now, the eating disorder was very evident here too, I went through periods of binge and starve. I did not have the money to really give into my addiction, but I was dealing with a lot and food was my blanket of comfort during this two year adjustment period (please refer to Turning the Shame Off from July 21st for a more detailed description of this time period.)
Then in 2011, I met my husband and I walked away from everything there, I had found the strength to end a very bad period of my life. I came to VA, I got pregnant, got married, had my daughter so it all just goes away now...um yeah about that, let me explain.

When I became a wife and mom, I stayed at home. My routine changed and in that the fibro got worse for a long time. I then ate to deal with the pain. I ate to stay awake to take care of a new born, I ate to deal with the emptiness of not having my Mom here to meet my mini....no matter what was going on, I ate. In turn the more I ate, the more the fibro reared it's head till it all came to a head in August of 2105. I hit rock bottom and when I stepped on the scale and it said 350 lbs, I had a 3 yr old that I could not keep up with and I was slowly killing myself with the addiction and the allowing the "normal" of the pain to rule my life. I said enough! I have tried off and on since October of 2012(the reason this blog started) to lose the weight, but I got real focused in August of 2015. This just made the fibro "worse" I was just more mad, more bitter, and pissed that I had to do all this "work" to just feel semi normal....was it honestly f'ing worth it?? Looking back on it now, HELL YEAH it was!!!



In my search to find a new normal, I found Coach Tulin and in that I found a way to work through the weight between my ears and in that I started finding a routine that could work. Even when at the time I was working retail. I found that no matter what I had to keep moving forward and making changes that would eventually lead me to where I am today. I started getting to the root of things and in that I also ensured that I would start finding ways to be more present for my mini. I also got real serious about recovery from my eating disorder/food addiction.

I got real honest with myself. I may never run a marathon, but I have walked to date 82 virtual races, working on #83. I may never be a size 2 but I have lost weight and am holding under 300 lbs for the moment, when professionals told me weight loss would just not happen, and if it did it would be insignificant and impossible to maintain the loss. Speaking of loss, I had to do the impossible, I had to stop mourning the life I didn't get to have and I had to love the life I have. I also had to find a way to make the most of it.

So here we are 15 years after being told I have this thing, 10 years after losing my mother (and 2 more impactful losses added in last 3 years), 2 years after finding Coach Tulin, and 4 years in recovery from the ED/Addiction....and I am just finally finding that routine that allows me to thrive not just simply survive. See these things can not be rushed, there is no road map to follow.

This is the closest that I can find to explain how this works, it is not just in death, but in anything that hard that we are supposed to "accept" as it is what it is...chronic illness, death, break ups...you name it, we go through these five stages and even now, I still try and bargain and fight with depression. It is not a one time through and done kinda thing. That is also the magic of it, no one gets to tell me when it is time to move to the next step or even to stop going back to the step before. This is something that only I have the choice in and in that, there is a beauty of knowing, I am creating this new normal. I am finding a way to fight forward, even if I have to take a step backward now and again to get there.
Hell, make it part of the dance

I have also decided that stopping for 6 out of 8 Octobers since I came off Autopilot is enough. I am not doing it again. I have made September about Data collection and in that I have come up with a new normal, yup another one that allows for things to work to keep moving forward. See, I am at day 273 of be here a year...I would feel real sheepish for stopping now...

So I have a new routine, a game plan that runs me from October 1st through about the end of February (my typical fall off and restart on March 1st). Thanks to Coach Tulin and the FHNS group, I have a handle on true nutrition, I have a job that I can get a walk in 5 days a week as well as I will continue to pack my lunch. I also am in a good spot with my environment....I have even quit relying on drive through and take out for quick meals! My new normal is about to really have a routine that will keep my fibro at bay and in a way that I can see what is possible. I can not wait to see what is possible as I put all of this together!

Wrapping up,

NO matter how much I miss my comfort zone, no matter how much I want to go back to where I don't feel the pain, I don't deal with the discomfort, headaches, it is not plausible. I would look silly trying to stand and hold on to the anger that I had to find a new normal, NO matter how hard it is to not turn to food when things get rough, it is not worth it....

This is my life, this is my new normal...it is not hard to be there for my mini, it is not hard to be there for my husband, for the family...I do the things for me so I can be there for them. It is not a have, it is I get to, because out of all the shifts and changes I had to make, my mindset to one of gratitude was the biggest game changer in finding my new normal.

Till Next Time Y'all-
Audie