The rewire process is not for the weak

 Today is an exciting day...my first look at the new apartment. However there is a lot running through my head. See here is something I am about to admit...I am not the best housekeeper. I know how to do it, I know what to do...but there is a darkness attached to housework. I was forced to do it at such a young age, I despise it. Like utterly despise it to the point that my house has been like a week away from an episode of Hoarders a few times before I said okay enough. So I see this not at a first look at the next phase of the rebuild but yet how much house am I gonna have to clean...

Now that I have put that out there...it allows for a freeing feeling...wait what?? See I am simply a human being being human. I have defects and I am not perfect. By admitting the above it frees me from having to portray me being perfect at doing it all and it brings awareness to the things I am working on changing. It is a chance to rewire my brain to I get to versus I have to situation. 

See it is okay to not know how to manage all the things. It is okay to set them down because my old way of doing all the things did not work...it stiffled the growth. It slowed the process of the outside person making an appearance as the inner person found herself. I am willing to admit these things now as they are what attracted me to the life of food addiction and constant state of busy. Because of this willingness, the ability to change is slowly becoming more of a reality versus a whole lot of wishful thinking. 

With all that said...back to seeing the apartment. While I am excited there was a part of me that was like whatever...it is only mine till April then back to the damn camper...here I had a stop it Audie moment! This maybe but a temporary stepping stone but patience is an important tool to use here. 

Patience has never been one of my more obvious character traits. I have always been more of a Veruca Salt type personality...I want what I want and I want it now. You know that house with the wrap around porch, all weather room for writing, and big kitchen with room for use of all the gadgets...that is what I want and I want it now! Not some apartment that is a 6 month temporary fix. Hold on Audie...this time last year you were fighting to put food on the table...you were worried where the next week of payment for the hotel would come from. Slow the fuck down. God's plan only works in God's time. You must simply do the footwork. Move where He says to move and when! 

Everything I want is coming for me...one day at a time. I took a moment to think back on my weight-loss journey. It took 11 years to get back to prebaby weight. This because I did not put in the footwork consistently. I did not push through the muck one day at a time, when it got hard I ran from it. Goes back to the how bad do I want it...this time I want it bad. I see it and I can taste it. I can picture the life I want. 

All of this takes time to not only change but to cut out rotten roots and nuture the regrowth of the right roots! It is my turn to take control of the life that I once thought was unmanageable and relearn how to do this. To seperate past from present...to rewire the brain to see it is not punishment. This is everything from drinking water, working out, to housework. These are all things I get to do on repeat so the brain learns we are living life not hiding from it. 

So there it is-I am human and I am strong. Rewiring is not a job for the weak and I am up for the challenge!

Till next time-

Audie

How bad do I want it?

 Starting year 8 of my recovery has been a pivotal year. This is the year I am seeing things start to come together and this morning reading through the daily readers had some thoughts come up. Pausing to point out these are the same readers I've used since day one, however every time I read it there are different things that the words bring up because I am a different season. 

This morning the words How bad do I  want it jumped off the damn page. There is something many do not realize, active addiction takes work. There is planning, budgeting, work to get the substance of choice, the list goes on. But there is work to get that numbness that I was trying to achieve. I wanted that feeling bad so I was willing to put in the work. Now in recovery I want to maintain so badly that there is also work. 

Being in active recovery and coming out of the trauma that we went through there are dreams and things I want to accomplish now that I am thinking clearly. There is now planning, budgeting, and work to get the forever home that at one time I didn't think was a possibility because the want for a twinkie overpowered everything. Now I have the confidence and the emotional stability to pursue these dreams and wants that once seemed like something unattainable. 

See just like I had all the tools to remain in active addiction to food, I have all the tools to remain in active recovery. The difference is which ones am I willing to use now this moment. With all that said...there are a few details to point out...

I can not get to where I want to be until I accept where I am. I can't go forward till I pause and fully understand where I am and how I got here and fully accept it is the best place for me to be. I am working not just to accept it but to embrace it. Live it, feel it...appreciate it! 

Now here I want to put it out there...in this acceptance phase of the game, there are two things that it is not. It is not permission to sit and overthink or overanalyze the what that got me to here, why this works, and why this is the best place for me. I have to stay in a state of active recovery and take the next step or I will get stuck in a loop of analysis paralysis. That loop does not serve any purpose other than keeping me stuck!

There was also another thought that hit as I was preparing to write this morning...while I am fully aware I have no true public awaiting what I am gonna write next...there is a very big reason I keep doing what I do. 

The best way to keep my recovery is to give it away. This is how I give it away. Just like the readers I go back to day after day year after year. Just like how I go back to the outside coaching I receive in a group and now one on one...the words hit me at the right time. My words will reach who they need to when they need to hear them. 

I had someone who did not know how much of an impact their sharing of their life would help me-they shared to help their own personal healing. This is why I write...for my own personal healing. If I help one person along the way...it is a bonus!

I am leaving y'all with this...my story is just that. My story does make me or break it me. It explains how I became me, but it is not who I will remain. I am in a regrowth and growth period all at the same time and I may have to reintroduce myself a few times over the next few weeks/months/years as I embrace and accept this season of my life I currently in. Because the life I had envisioned where I am a writer in a gorgeous house with a sunroom as a writing home and a kitchen full of gadgets and counter space to use them...yeah, I want that bad!!

Till Next Time-

Audie