How bad do I want it?

 Starting year 8 of my recovery has been a pivotal year. This is the year I am seeing things start to come together and this morning reading through the daily readers had some thoughts come up. Pausing to point out these are the same readers I've used since day one, however every time I read it there are different things that the words bring up because I am a different season. 

This morning the words How bad do I  want it jumped off the damn page. There is something many do not realize, active addiction takes work. There is planning, budgeting, work to get the substance of choice, the list goes on. But there is work to get that numbness that I was trying to achieve. I wanted that feeling bad so I was willing to put in the work. Now in recovery I want to maintain so badly that there is also work. 

Being in active recovery and coming out of the trauma that we went through there are dreams and things I want to accomplish now that I am thinking clearly. There is now planning, budgeting, and work to get the forever home that at one time I didn't think was a possibility because the want for a twinkie overpowered everything. Now I have the confidence and the emotional stability to pursue these dreams and wants that once seemed like something unattainable. 

See just like I had all the tools to remain in active addiction to food, I have all the tools to remain in active recovery. The difference is which ones am I willing to use now this moment. With all that said...there are a few details to point out...

I can not get to where I want to be until I accept where I am. I can't go forward till I pause and fully understand where I am and how I got here and fully accept it is the best place for me to be. I am working not just to accept it but to embrace it. Live it, feel it...appreciate it! 

Now here I want to put it out there...in this acceptance phase of the game, there are two things that it is not. It is not permission to sit and overthink or overanalyze the what that got me to here, why this works, and why this is the best place for me. I have to stay in a state of active recovery and take the next step or I will get stuck in a loop of analysis paralysis. That loop does not serve any purpose other than keeping me stuck!

There was also another thought that hit as I was preparing to write this morning...while I am fully aware I have no true public awaiting what I am gonna write next...there is a very big reason I keep doing what I do. 

The best way to keep my recovery is to give it away. This is how I give it away. Just like the readers I go back to day after day year after year. Just like how I go back to the outside coaching I receive in a group and now one on one...the words hit me at the right time. My words will reach who they need to when they need to hear them. 

I had someone who did not know how much of an impact their sharing of their life would help me-they shared to help their own personal healing. This is why I write...for my own personal healing. If I help one person along the way...it is a bonus!

I am leaving y'all with this...my story is just that. My story does make me or break it me. It explains how I became me, but it is not who I will remain. I am in a regrowth and growth period all at the same time and I may have to reintroduce myself a few times over the next few weeks/months/years as I embrace and accept this season of my life I currently in. Because the life I had envisioned where I am a writer in a gorgeous house with a sunroom as a writing home and a kitchen full of gadgets and counter space to use them...yeah, I want that bad!!

Till Next Time-

Audie