In the Midst of a Struggle

Life is not always easy, in fact there is always some kind of a struggle we will come up against. It could be a ture struggle, a first world problem, or a struggle that we make for ourselves based on all the scenarios or what if's circling the head. The struggle in and of it's self is not the issue, it is how we react to it. The reaction is what makes or breaks us. To be honest I have been in a state of some kind of struggle all of 2021. May it be finacially, may be mentally, or physically there has some sort of struggle that has not only affected me but the effects of the struggle compunded so much so that here 2 days before I turn 41, I said enough of this mess. I am taking back my control and my power making some changes, cementing some changes that have already been made and I downright refuse to spend 2022 like 2021. At times so unsure of my self and the next step that I threw my hands up and said Fuck it, curled up on the couch with my fuzzy blanket and coffee and ignored everything. Now, there is nothing wrong with this response, however it does not help me reach my goals nor does it allow for me to be the me I am on my way to becoming. There was also a sense of clarity in this when I started typing it out, I may be struggling, but I am not failing. Let me repeat this, struggle does not equal failure. What struggle means is I am showing up, I am having expirences, and learning how I do not want to do all things.

This year I also had this whole idea of wanting to do all these things. Had all these big plans, even had most wrote down real pretty on paper and yet not many if hnestly any of them happened. What did happen was I maintained a weight loss number, I lost more actually...15 pounds to be in fact. I graduated from college for the last time, for now at least. I also got my fulltime position that I have been working my ass off for these past 4 and a half years. However, it came at the end of the year after the financial struggle had begun. Does this mean that this year was a wash that I didn't check off all the boxes, umm no. In fact this year was eyeopening to me at what is possible for me as well as has me starting to really take a true who look at who I currently Be and who I want to be. Which means I collected a lot of data on what works and where I need to make tweaks to see if doing this versus that will work better. I also had two big catalysts that brought me to here this year. One the coaching that I am paying for is not expensive or just a random money drop-it is a priceless investment that if I keep taking messy action with, my successess are just going to keep adding up. The coaching and moring coffee with myself and music I got away from, but I am bringing it back. I lost sight of how much clarity as well as how important that hour or so in the morning is for to be able to present the best of me not what is left me as I move through my day. I also am switching up format here a bit more to elimnate all but one-three random memes, gifs, or quotes. This blog is my words and thoughts, I do not need added fluff to make it work. Hell many of my first ones did not include all of that. I am also scheduling a once a week writing appointment with me. I have tried so hard in the past to do 365 days of just for today or one day at a time. I got bogged down with the 365 and forgot one day at a time. I am bringing my coaching and my recovery back into full focus. On a random day in December (may be ironic that it is a day 3 day, but before I digress) I am going back to my basics, while I write this standing at my kitchen counter with coffee to my left and water to my right. Surrounded by chaos that my left brain keeps saying we should be dealing with-not realizing that if my right brain is gojng to cooperate...this chaos needs to be handled first. The second catalyst was doing a full on boudoir shoot in August of this year. The confidence I gained in going through that process is something that has not waivered.It was a great experience to have and while I still struggle and sometine still second guess myself...I still have the confidence to bounce back and make things happen. This year has been about finding myself and I definitely floundered a bit with school ending and after 7 years of school had an adjustment to what to do with me without a school deadline. It is totally normal that it has taken about 7 months to bounce back from 7 years. Turning 40 and living in that reality has also been a huge part of this year. This year has been the year of data collection, 2022 is the year of application. So much so that the 2022 word of the year is apply. Special attention to putting to use for a practical purpose, to bring to action, and put into operation of effect. As well as to employ diligently with close attention. I have taken a lot of time doing the research, now it is time to show my work. On a coaching call the other night we discussed the word try and it resonated so deeply that from that call came this whole long rambling, that if you have stuck with this far thank you. I will no longer be trying. I will be doing. I will be making tweaks daily and in the moment of taking the actions. I will be focusing not on the big picture, but simply the 24 hours in front of me. I will be keeping a closer watch on me and persisting in meeting my goals versus resisting the work and just shutting down. Wow, this got a lot longer than anticipated- TLDR-I am struggling, but I am not failing. I am persisting not resisting. I am showing up and this is just the begining of becoming the me I was meant to Be. (Thanks Coach!) Till next time, Audie