This is the point I normally say...I am done...I have lost a significant amount of weight, I know my portions, I got this...only to come crawling back in here a couple months down the road saying hey it's me again and it is time to start over.
Not this time! I say this because I am not in the driver seat, I am simply walking a path that was already paved for me. It is amazing how smooth that walk is when I am not trying to do it on my own and through all the muck and mire of the wrong path!
I am a construction zone right now as I am in the process of finally changing head space officially. I have gotten rid of a lot of clutter and some old game tapes..you know those voices that say you will never, you can't, you won't that play over and over and over and keep you eating or sitting on the bench of life! I have been doing some spring cleaning in my head and home this past week (4 and 1/2 trash bags of overcompensation, I mean err toys out of my living room and mini's bedroom!)
Now this change has been four years in the making! I have had some results from phases, BUT nothing like this past phase. I just finished phase 3 and like I said, 6,500 steps in a day is too hard said the me who I was before I cleared the clutter. I hit 15,000 in a day on purpose. It was hard and a lot of moving and walking. I went to 8 stores and still had to do a 30 minute dance party! I ran from 5:30 that morning till 11:30 to hit that magic number. The point, I did it to prove to myself that I could consistently hit 6,500.
This week I realized, while yes I am not perfect...far from it actually, but I am loved and I am supported in this endeavor. Those voices and game tapes of my past really messed me up. I mean I was unlovable, no one cared about me, and I was just fat and lazy...did I mention I would never be successful or married. Wait...I have an amazing circle of friends in real life and that live on my table in my computer, fat I will give you, lazy nope...not this time. I am kicking butt at earning my degree while running a house and volunteering and have I mentioned I have kept a mini alive for almost 4 years and 5 years happily married.
It took me almost losing it all...including myself to Twinkies to make a change. This has been by far the hardest year of my life. Not having my Mom around for it made it worse, but I was blessed with a Mother in Law that made the process a little easier. See this past year was not about weight loss...that was a side effect.
There was no magic pill, there was no quick fix for where I am now. There was a lot of tears, a lot of sweating, a lot of blood, and there was a lot of starts and stops. I made a choice to leave my comfort zone and to start living. People knew of me, they did not know me. The me they met last year this time does not exist anymore either.
I used to be powerless over the food, over my life, and today that is not true! I am no longer powerless, but I have a new kind of power within me. As I serve a God of my understanding and I gave this whole mess of a thing I called a life up to him...I said I can't do this, but I know you can! You did once before for me...I know you can do it again...and I know the day I said I threw it up, my Mom did cartwheels!
Now as I become a better friend, a better mom, a better wife, I am becoming a sounding board more. I have a friend I have not seen in awhile and I still hear her voice when I start to get sucked in. Let me be clear, I hear you, I am here for you, and I do care about the outcome of whatever you come to me about...I will pray about it, give to God and then I will put it down. This was a downfall of mine I used to have. I felt I had to carry everyone's problems, I had to dwell on them, and add them to my plate...I don't. At the end of the day....if I can't see it from my house, it is not a concern of mine that should keep me up at night. There is a way to compassionately detached from people. I had to learn how to do this!
As I wrap this up for this week, I am coming up on one year sober...one year food abstinent so while yes my weight went up and down from then till now, it is okay...OA is not a diet program. The weight is not gonna fall off and I have to ensure that I am happy in my head so that this is the last time I loose these 100 pounds. I am so tired of losing the same weight!!! But here is a look back on where we were and where I am!!! I also leave you with a new favorite song! Have an awesome week and as always...One day, One Step, One Pound at a time! (Hopefully my next blog is how I completed my first virtual race!)
