Turning the Shame off!

To date, this will be the hardest blog to write. I am opening up about something that while I am not proud of how it all came to be, was the best thing that could ever have happened to me! I am removing the shame from a situation that is one of the longest and most important chapters of my story. I will not be using names,  locations, or specifics, but those that know me, know and that is all that matters. I am not justifying my actions, I am accepting my part and removing the blame that is so easy to place.











I have mentioned on occasion that I met my husband in a whirlwind by chance encounter eight years ago. What I do not always mention is that at that time, I was in another relationship. It was pretty much over, but it was not over. The last tear had not been shed, the words I'm done had been uttered, but not the final I'm done done...even if I was sleeping on the couch, long before an accident made it a necessity, even if we both knew, neither of us had done anything to end it. Maybe it was a comfort zone thing, maybe it was fear of not knowing how the other would react, or if they would even care...whatever it was, it was just not happening.
From the very beginning, my mom knew this was not the relationship for me, but me being me, I had to try. I ignored friends, family, coworkers, I ignored signs, symptoms...I just figured it was something we could work through no matter how many times, actions spoke louder than the words being spoken.

I also had one major trauma in the course of our time together, I lost my mom. When that happened, well I shut down and I also had shame I was dealing with from that, but that is a whole other blog! I allowed things to be okay, that were not okay. They were not what I deserved to be treated like, but I accepted them. I allowed them to set a precedent that eventually when I tried to change the rules, that was the beginning of the end. Someone who I spent so long trying to build a life with, cried because I could not figure out why he would not ask me to marry him, felt devastated when he asked and took it back... started to become a stranger and someone who I just shared a living space with because there was no other option.

I fought depression, I did things that while were amazing experiences, I did them for all the wrong reasons! Thinking if I did this and that, I would be enough and I would truly be loved...and I am not saying he didn't love me, but there was a level of toxicity to that love. I got angrier, used food, isolation, and slipped further and further away from who I was trying to figure out how I could make things work...because I had to prove everyone wrong.









Now, I want to pause right here...I have some toxic traits too! I am constantly trying to do it all and then blowing up because I got no help...(reforming all or nothing'er).  I played the victim really well, but also could spit some hateful words behind closed doors, and was really good at reminding you everything I did and sacrificed for him...I was also angry and bitter and felt like since I did all this for him, someone somewhere owed me something. Some of the friends I lost had nothing to do with my relationship, it had to do with the words coming out of my mouth and the looks I could give. I was stuck in a rut of why is this happening to me all the damn time, when is it my turn and why can't anything good just happen...when will I catch an f'ing break...I mean seriously do I not just sound like a ray of sunshine? I could not stand being around me, why would people who could choose to get up and walk away stay?
I made a lot of mistakes...but I took ownership of my part...I am owning up to the fact I could have handled things better, I could have changed things up before it got to the point it did, and my timing for saying I am done done sucked...like really sucked, but when it clicks...well it clicks.

I knew it was time to cut our loses and to stop pretending that it was okay and all good. I had reconnected with an old friend on Facebook, we spent hours talking about everything. There I talked to him, and my best friend and really heard the words coming out of my mouth and read the situations that we (both of us) were just accepting as "normal" I knew I was done settling. I knew I needed to get out of this umm comfort zone, I needed to make a change!








This is where the true shame comes off, I should have opened up to him before I had conversation one with my now-husband. I should have handled things a little more delicately, I should have ended it before I knew I had another option. I should have been more honest with how I was feeling like a glorified roommate and that I felt as if we were just doing this thing because it was just easier than starting over after four years.









Once I started talking to the hubby, he knew my whole situation, I never hid anything from him, but he knew I needed a fresh start and he offered me a hand up. Things happened so fast from that fateful conversation...I think it is still sinking in 8 years later. I spoke up and showed up for me for the first time in a long time and while I do not regret anything that happened or came from that leap...I do want to apologize...
















I am sorry that it ended like it did and that I had to go. It was long over and while there were some good times, it was time for both of us to find the happiness and completeness that was just not present at that time in our lives. We would both would not have done the things we did if it was there.























Taking ownership and responsibility, removing the shame from this period in my life has been a long time coming as I have been working through recovery and I have been exercising the demons of my past that lead me down paths and to do things that I did not want to do, but they are part of my story. I did something so far out of my character, it took me a long time to take ownership of it because it was not me and it was something I swore I would never do!

This demon has been exorcised from my life, this is a shame I no longer have to wear, I no longer have to carry around, I am closing this chapter of my story. It is not something I have to go back and reread, I do not have to continue punishing myself for this. We both played a role in how it ended, I was not a victim, he was not a victim, we both knew we held on too long. I accepted my role, and now I move on from it because this was a catalyst for where I am now.











See, when I met my now-husband it was like he knew something I didn't. We had no first conversation/first date nervousness. Even when I packed up my whole life and dropped at the post office, even when I took an outbound plane, even when I had to tell my best friend goodbye...I knew I was headed home and to where I belonged.










We found out about Mini so fast, we got married so fast...there had to be some force bigger than us. This was the stuff movies were made of. And here we are 3 moves, one kiddo, 2 major loses, career changes, new car, and 8 years later. Pushing each other to find the next level selves. Rooting each other on, and I would not trade one single moment with my husband...no matter how we came to be, this is where I belong and found my missing piece.














He loved me till I could love myself and in him, I found everything I ever wanted even when I didn't know I wanted/needed it. The things I have been able to accomplish has been with his support and every day we focus a little more on communication and being an example of what we want our mini to find when it is her turn.









As I have shared this, there is a huge weight lifted from me. I really am sorry about the way it went down, but separately we found happiness and life we did not have together.  I no longer have shame or guilt wrapped into the start of my life as a Mom and wife and just incase that demon tries to come back...got put the protection spell on that one...8 years is long enough!


Till next time y'all, time to refill my coffee cup and switch gears!
-Audie