I had all these big plans. The end of the year review, a blog a week in 2023. Picking up the 100 days of brave and just for today project...But dude life is messy and complicated and I learned a few things since the last blog in September.
First thing I am going to say is I am resetting my mindset. In the changes and the move into the hotel, I lost my morning moments. I did not lose it because of outside forces, I let stories tell me that I was not able to get up and turn on a small light because I might wake someone up. I need this time. It is where I clear my head, it is how I function and now that I have stopped doing it for 7 months, there is going to be a rewire process to remind my brain, "Hey, we not only love this, we need this!!". That time in the morning is what fills my cup so I can give the best of me to everyone and everything else instead of giving them what is left of me. The scraps of me is not enough to be the wife or mother I want to be. So I am starting there, just the basics of taking back one hour in the morning with my coffee, my journals, and my head phones...I need this and I am craving the me that I was when I did this.
Secondly, the holidays are a bitch at work. I was not expecting them to hit as hard as they did. In the process of letting my morning moments slip, my planning time slipped as well. So here I am with no plan for the week, no time for me-both by my own doing and I blinked twice and it was Dec 23rd. But with help from family and friends-we pulled off an amazing Christmas for the kiddo that allowed me to breathe for just a moment. I was all set to pop back in January with all the things in place. I had a few blog topics in mind. I had a few things all wrote up and ready to dive in. I just had a 7 day work week to pull through and then a 3 day weekend where I could really brain dump it all and start really working on this blog the way I have always wanted to do...then January 6th I got a phone call at 2:17pm that not only rocked my world, it put everything back on hold.
You see my mini, my pride and joy, my reason for even starting this blog all those 11 years back...there was a shooting at her school. Yes, she goes to Richneck Elementary...yup that one where a 6 year old shot his teacher. The one even the BBC is talking about. Y'all when I say my legs went numb and I couldn't breathe...It was a phone call I never want to take again. I can not convey the emotions that washed over me in that moment. I also had to tell a co worker who also had a child at the school...and we had to go get the kids. So after a moment of panic, we went into go mode. The text from the mini telling me she was okay helped too and here I was thinking we may have rushed the cell phone thing. Nope not really...then as the days passed and the media really got ahold of the story, my blood began to boil and I think I asked when the fuck did we get ice cream 75 times a day as I tried to make rhyme or reason out of this. The emotions coming out of this run deep. Some days I am totally okay and some days I am not okay.
There is an exchange with the school...I send her there to learn and from the time I put her on the bus till she is dropped back off, her safety and care is your responsibilty. I teach her not to be an asshole when she is not in my care, I teach her that we have rules, and the big peoples in the school are there to help her when people are not following the rules, and I teach her how to even handle some of the issues on her own and what situations to involve the big peoples in. The school admins and teachers are there to teach her the basics of reading, writing, science, and math while keeping her safe and cared for while she is in their care. An exchange that up until January 6th, I thought they were doing pretty good keeping up their end of the bargain. Now I want to pause here and put out there I still have the utmost faith in the teachers and bus drivers...they are doing everything that they can to ensure that keep up their end of the bargain-however that admin...yeah you have a lot to explain and a lot to answer for! It will be a cold day in hell before I totally trust the words coming out of the mouth of anyone working admin in our schools.
Now, that all of that has been handled for the moment, the kiddos are back in school...life is returning to a regular rythm, the one thing I am learning is that my time in the morning is nonnegotiable. I am taking back my time to be better prepared for what life throws at me...including a possible major move by the summer. I really do not know what each day holds, but I do know that I am taking back control over what I can and for me that is my me time in the am. Once I get that back under control...then I can add in the rest one thing at a time. I can remove the I just need to, I have to, all of that...because I know that when that one thing is on point...I have a plan and the plan is very easy to stick to!
Till Next time-
Audie
