Dude it has been a minute since I have written and it is so necessary. I am in the middle of a lot of things, hell my house is semi sideways, I need to be at work early in the morning, there is a laundry list of to do's including laundry and have a crazy schedule next week...yet here we are. I am curled up on the couch with my shows playing, my coffee cup full, a soft fuzzy blanket, and a lap desk/computer. And I couldn't feel more relaxed. The reasoning for it is because I need this. I need this moment to sit down and close out all the open tabs in my head.
See this year-this month in fact-the blog turns 9. I have been so caught up in trying to write the perfect blog to commemorate this, that I just didn't write. The summer was busy and I am in the pursuit of a full time position in my current store and mom/wife life, the list goes on as to why I haven't wrote, but the biggest thing I have learned in this venture is that I need to write to ensure mental clarity.
I also had a huge aha as I am standing in the middle of my kitchen surrounded by the boxes and the things I need to unpack, all the half done projects...if I do not take the time to unpack my head then I am not going to be able to truly focus on anything I am doing. I am not going to give anything my full attention because I am being torn in. Torn between just sitting down and writing without feeling guilty about not doing all the things that I felt I "HAVE" to do or doing the things and feeling resentment because I am not getting to do what makes me happy and is a large part of my self care. Torn because my mini needs some one on one time but I need some me time. So instead of just doing the writing I have halfheartedly and half-assed every thing else. Tonight, I finally realized that if I don't start making writing just as important washing the dishes or doing the laundry, I am not going to move forward in becoming the type of person that I truly want to be. Wait...what??!!??
Trust me you are not the only one confused. It has been a rough few months of doing the same thing, hitting my head against the wall as to why I couldn't/wouldn't just be the person I knew I could and wanted to be...it was because deep down, all I wanted to do was write. My mental headspace needed to be cleared and my inner toddler was refusing to cooperate until it got the blue cup so to speak.
See in the coaching I receive and I am active in self care is mentioned a lot and last night it clicked. Self care is taking care of self. It is doing anything for myself that allows me to be present to my needs. When it clicked how simple this concept was-drink the water, move, eat the foods that serve me, hell sleep...I knew that there was missing component. I mean I do my hair and makeup, face masks, my nails are done. Aren't I taking care of my self? Well yes, but I realized why my brain was still in protect mode. It clicked why I was in the middle of the struggle, it was because a key component of my self care was missing. Writing is my video games, it is my ability to brain dump so to speak, it is my one activity I do that is for me and me alone. I immediately stopped trying to force a square peg in a round hole so to speak and took care of me.
In that moment, I had a full on come to Jesus moment with myself. I made the executive decision that I needed to STOP IT! I had to stop trying to do all the things on a half filled tank. I miss writing like this, I miss sharing my journey, I miss the me that is mentally clear due to emptying all the random thoughts in my head. I was struggling because I felt that all the other tasks were more important but in my realization, I knew that this hobby is just as important.
If there is something that is poking you in the brain and that thought will not leave you alone, it is important to listen. If you do not it can become a toddler who wants the blue cup and you hand them every other color. The toddler is not going to do anything that you want it to do until the correct cup is in their hand. Apparently, my brain behaves the same. Because as soon as I started writing, I felt a calm that I have been missing take over.
Let me put this in total perspective, I knew all the things that I had to do and I was planning to do them. My brain simply wanted an hour/hour and a half to write and then we could do all the things. Well because I told the brain that we "just had to do all the things first" Brain said nope and we did not do any of them till last minute. ME, I was what was causing the struggle. Not the housework, going to work, not the being present with family, friends...ME. I have lived in utter chaos for about 3 months all because I thought everything else was more important that what I am doing right now. What is scary is that I could not blame this on anyone else. I did this, but here is the magic, now that I know what I did and how we got here, I can fix it. Not only am I thinker of my thoughts (thanks Coach for that constant reminder that I hear when I need it), I am the one that takes the action to change the course of what is happening.
Now with all that said, will I get back to weekly blogs, ideally yes. Realistically, who really knows. I am not going to put this expectation that every week, there will be a new blog on a new topic...I do have some ideas including a true road so far 9 years in review. There is also a boudoir shoot to discuss from a plus size perspective, there is a 10 year wedding anniversary coming up...just to name a few of the upcoming topics. I am in a season of change including gearing up for the holiday in the retail industry-I refuse to not write, but I am not committing to a set schedule as of right now. What I am committing to is in the next 2 weeks...just one blog. That sounds doable and attainable.
I am also in a season where I am doing some word swapping to see how they feel...examples of this:
1) replacing goals with intentions
2) replacing resisting with persisting
3) replacing have with get
By making these three swaps, gonna see how it feels as I move forward with my journey. Which quite honestly feels really cool as I normally start feeling a shift of not making it a priority during this time of the year-but that is a whole other blog topic.
Before I digress, I am going to wrap this up with this:
It is okay to spend time on a hobby or something that brings joy and excitement, even if the to-do list is pages long. I will be more focused as well as do it in a more timely manner if I just listen to what my body or brain is trying to tell me the first time instead of trying to ignore it!
Till next time-
Audie
