Closure is BS...

 We all say we want it, hell demand it, say we need it. For me, there are certain people I will not have closure with due to death or removing them from my life so now I will never fully be able to deal with things. Well, it is bullshit. Keep reading I promise it will make sense...

In a moment of clarity tonight...I realized that by saying I needed the apology or the closure I was allowing myself to be stuck. I was giving myself permission to just sit around and wait. I didn't have to change or anything because I never was gonna get that apology. So I can sit here and pout. And we all know where that got me...375 plus pounds and eventually broke and homeless. 

There is an apology I need and that one is from me to me. I need to apologize to myself for not showing up for me. For not just drinking the water, for not eating the foods that serve me, for not moving...the list goes on. The need to try and fill the emptiness of not getting these apologies led me to here...but truly where is here?

Here not in a physical sense but a sense of becoming the version of me I want to be. And while we are on that topic...there is a another bullshit saying I am going to apologize to myself for saying...new me. New me this and new me that...I don't want to be a new me. A better me doesn't even sit well...see I love me. My bad-ass, coffee dependent, loves to dance and write, who kicks ass at accomplishing anything I put my mind to self. Are the things about me I want to change...yup there are but my core being...I love her. Who she stands for and what she stands for are pretty bad ass. She got a little lost in the muck waiting on that apology. 

So tonight I am taking the first steps in giving myself that closure I was so desperately seeking. I am apologizing to myself for not nuturing myself when I needed it. I am apologizing to myself for keeping myself stuck in a mindset of this is just what it is for so long. I am apologizing for trying to change myself to be something or someone I am not. Personally, this apology is long overdue. 

And as I type this...there is a huge weight lifting. It is definitely my year of taking back the control of me and my emotions one day at a time. I am just getting started...and this is gonna be one hell of a leg of the journey!

Till next time-

Audie

Overconfidence can be a secruity blankie

 Last blog I talked about the knowledge I have...and in my almost 43 years of life I have collected a lot of it-some useful some not so much, but there is a lot of knowledge swirling in my head. And in this it can be great and it can also be kinda gross. Now let me explain this...

I spent a lot of my childhood and even into my young adulthood being told I was stupid, useless, lazy, unlovable, would never amount to anything. So I believed this...as I started healing from this I started realizing I am none of those things. I began the process of building my confidence and in that I started learning everything I could about a lot of topics. I went to college and graduated both from a masters and a dual masters program. The weight started falling off and this process started because I found a man that loves me and supports me in any endeavor I take on.

But in the coaching I am receiving I am learning I have not actually healed from those traumas. I literally burried them, first in food next with shopping. Right now I am feeling very vulnerable because neither of my vices will fix me. So the past few days I looked deeper internally and have had a few characteristics pointed out...I am overconfident and I think I can fix everything. Let's take these two things separately.

First let me explain this overconfidence. There is a fine line between confidence and overconfidence. I can be confident and have great self esteem without word vomiting all this knowledge I have to anyone who will even semi listen to me. I have basically turned into one of those people who give a shit ton of unsolicited advice and I do this because it is a defense mechanism. 

Which leads me to the second point of fixing everything. Now by fixing everything I mean everyone else's lives and taking the focal point of my short comings and hot mess of a life. Because if I am fixing them or giving them advice then I don't have to worry about me or my life. Again another defense mechanism.  

These two things let me wear a badge that makes my mess of a life be okay...I am busy. I am busy working two jobs, I am busy giving everyone else knowledge that they jusy won't do anything with (probably because they didn't ask for it), I am busy fixing everything and everyone else so I don't have "time" for me. I don't have time to do things for myself because my public needs me...what public??!!?? 

There is no one waiting on baited breathe for me to tell them what they should or shouldn't do. There is no one asking themselves: What would Audie do? There is no one who could not move forward in their life if I just stopped giving the unsolicited advice. 

Taking this off my plate gives me a lot of free time to take control of the one life I can "fix" for lack of a better term...mine. It frees me up to dig deeper or ask my coach says ask the deeper questions of Why? There is a why in everything I do and say both the "good and bad". Not that I really do or say anything bad so to speak but there are definitely self sabotaging behaviors that do not benefit me rooted deep and I have the clippers. 

Now with that said I am not gonna do a complete 180 and just stop this...but what I do have is an awareness and working towards an acceptance of this is just currently who I be. Like I have said before...just because I accepted it does not mean that I can't change it. It is all part of the process of becoming the person I want to be. But to truly accept it I do have to sit with it for a moment. I do have to really understand it. I have to f'ing feel it. 

In the last monthish I am getting really comfortable being uncomfortable and that it is okay to not have all the answers. I don't have to have a plan...it is good to have one but be flexible in this plan. Gotta learn to pivot! I am a writer that hates a plot twist (can we talk irony here?). 

So as I wrap this up-I may be a little messy for a bit as I lay down a secruity blankie I have carried around for a bit. It will okay and I will be okay, just need to give myself some space and grace as I reach for it a few more times as I work through this.

Alright, nothing gets done or changes if I don't put it in some action...

So till next time-

Audie

The More You Know...

 There was a TV campaign when I was growing up in 30 second blips that always ended with the more you know...apparently they are trying to bring this back as well. But before I totally digress...sometimes it is not about the more you know. Let me dive into this...

They say knowledge is power and it truly is. Like I know a lot about cleaning, I know a lot about saving money, I know a lot about weight loss, and the list goes on and on about what I know a lot about. However what I have learned over the years knowing about something doesn't get the job done. There are a few things that have to happen before that knowledge really is the power they speak of. 

Spoiler alert it is not just about having to take action on it either. There are a few steps between gaining the knowledge and taking the action on applying the knowledge. There are three steps in there. First is the awareness of what you are doing and how to get closer to being the type of person who does the things. Second is the acceptance of that you are not currently the person who does these things and that there are changes that need to be made for you to become this type of person. The third is the willingness and want to change must be present. 

Now I want to pause here...want to and willing to are sometimes two very different things. I want to buy all the things but I am not willing to jeporadize a roof over my head. I want to eat all the pizza and cake but I am not willing to once again gain all the weight I lost back. I do however want to change and I am willing to put in the work for the changes to happen. 

Something else that has come up this week a lot is the word acceptance. The biggest thing I have to accepted is I am not perfect. That does not mean that I am a failure or not worth the effort. It just means I am letting go of this idea of perfect. There is no perfect time, season, or moment to do all the things. There is however the right time to let go of this idea of perfect by accepting I am not and will never be. I will not get all the things done in a day. I am not a robot. 

I need to also prioritize my own needs for rest and relaxation. I need to prioritize my writing, the need for healthy foods, the budgeting aspect of life...so on and so forth. This week I have really been toying with this idea of just accepting that it really it was it is. 

This act of accepting though is not where it stops. It where it all starts actually. It is the first action in changing. So while for now it may look like I am not doing anything...I am really processing and accepting that this really is my life now. That this is where my life is really going to change and that things may get worse before they get better. That emtions may run higher and thoughts may get deeper. But it is all part of the process. 

So this week is going to be an interesting one as I am moving through this process. Hell I may even start blogging twice a week to help get thoughts out and down. See I know I am not the only one going through this and it helps me by sharing my story! 

But it is that time..

Till the next blog-

Audie