Last blog I talked about the knowledge I have...and in my almost 43 years of life I have collected a lot of it-some useful some not so much, but there is a lot of knowledge swirling in my head. And in this it can be great and it can also be kinda gross. Now let me explain this...
I spent a lot of my childhood and even into my young adulthood being told I was stupid, useless, lazy, unlovable, would never amount to anything. So I believed this...as I started healing from this I started realizing I am none of those things. I began the process of building my confidence and in that I started learning everything I could about a lot of topics. I went to college and graduated both from a masters and a dual masters program. The weight started falling off and this process started because I found a man that loves me and supports me in any endeavor I take on.
But in the coaching I am receiving I am learning I have not actually healed from those traumas. I literally burried them, first in food next with shopping. Right now I am feeling very vulnerable because neither of my vices will fix me. So the past few days I looked deeper internally and have had a few characteristics pointed out...I am overconfident and I think I can fix everything. Let's take these two things separately.
First let me explain this overconfidence. There is a fine line between confidence and overconfidence. I can be confident and have great self esteem without word vomiting all this knowledge I have to anyone who will even semi listen to me. I have basically turned into one of those people who give a shit ton of unsolicited advice and I do this because it is a defense mechanism.
Which leads me to the second point of fixing everything. Now by fixing everything I mean everyone else's lives and taking the focal point of my short comings and hot mess of a life. Because if I am fixing them or giving them advice then I don't have to worry about me or my life. Again another defense mechanism.
These two things let me wear a badge that makes my mess of a life be okay...I am busy. I am busy working two jobs, I am busy giving everyone else knowledge that they jusy won't do anything with (probably because they didn't ask for it), I am busy fixing everything and everyone else so I don't have "time" for me. I don't have time to do things for myself because my public needs me...what public??!!??
There is no one waiting on baited breathe for me to tell them what they should or shouldn't do. There is no one asking themselves: What would Audie do? There is no one who could not move forward in their life if I just stopped giving the unsolicited advice.
Taking this off my plate gives me a lot of free time to take control of the one life I can "fix" for lack of a better term...mine. It frees me up to dig deeper or ask my coach says ask the deeper questions of Why? There is a why in everything I do and say both the "good and bad". Not that I really do or say anything bad so to speak but there are definitely self sabotaging behaviors that do not benefit me rooted deep and I have the clippers.
Now with that said I am not gonna do a complete 180 and just stop this...but what I do have is an awareness and working towards an acceptance of this is just currently who I be. Like I have said before...just because I accepted it does not mean that I can't change it. It is all part of the process of becoming the person I want to be. But to truly accept it I do have to sit with it for a moment. I do have to really understand it. I have to f'ing feel it.
In the last monthish I am getting really comfortable being uncomfortable and that it is okay to not have all the answers. I don't have to have a plan...it is good to have one but be flexible in this plan. Gotta learn to pivot! I am a writer that hates a plot twist (can we talk irony here?).
So as I wrap this up-I may be a little messy for a bit as I lay down a secruity blankie I have carried around for a bit. It will okay and I will be okay, just need to give myself some space and grace as I reach for it a few more times as I work through this.
Alright, nothing gets done or changes if I don't put it in some action...
So till next time-
Audie
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