Mom Guilt is a Bitch

 October 7th, 2012. That was the first post of this blog, which started as a way to stay accountable on a weight loss journey while I had a sleeping almost 4-month-old baby at home. Over the course of the almost 13 years of writing this blog, I have written over 200 entries, and yet, while I have mentioned mom guilt, I have never written one specifically about it. Surprised me, too. 

I have felt the guilt many times over the years, most recently there was the guilt over getting us into the homeless situation, and then there was, of course, the guilt I felt over working too much as we have settled here in New York, so which is it? Do I not work hard enough, or do I work too much? 

There is also the fact that I do not cook often enough, I do not do enough around the house, and there is a laundry list of things that I do not do enough of. Oh yeah, that list does include the laundry as well. And when I was a stay-at-home mom, I also felt guilt that I did not help my husband enough, relied on him too much for the financial and in all of that I finally just said fuck it, I am not doing enough anyway so I just said I am doing nothing. 

This year, both the kiddo and the blog turn 13. For 13 years, I have kept them both alive, a pretty good accomplishment for someone who is not doing enough, but a big change has come to light. My kiddo was placed on an IEP in school because she is autistic and has ADHD. Yay, new topics to explore and more guilt to contend with. 

See, I made the mistake of googling Autism and mothers smoking during pregnancy. Yup, you guessed it. So, for 3 weeks, I let it eat at me and basically paralyze me. I went through the motions; I went to work, and showed up there. I was kinda present at home, I went to the gym, I kinda worked on myself, and I kinda worked on my writing career. I am trying to get off the ground, but I internalized everything. 

I was so overcome with analysis paralysis that I could not really function in any capacity. When I tried to do anything, I did not deserve it because I caused that little girl to have the struggles she has now. I did that, but wait...if I had scrolled down further, I would have seen two things. First, there are inconclusive and contradictory articles about that topic. Two, there are also links to secondhand smoke being a cause, and her dad smoked around me. But I let him completely off the hook because if I am smoking, why would he not smoke around me? 

Now, I also have felt like shit for the past year as I continue to work about a 50 hour week. I look around at how we have managed to bounce back from just over 2 years ago we left Virginia with everything we owned in the back of U-Haul, a kiddo who was treading water in school and even with numerous conversations with the school still no real help for her, and marriage that was rocky at best. I was so overwhelmed that touch was painful. 

Flash forward, my kiddo is getting the help she needs, and I am in a position to not only help her, but I have also provided a place for her to play and a place to live. We have a camper, a home, and a car. My marriage is stronger than ever... yet I still feel like a failure because I am not around a lot because I am working, and I go to the gym a few nights a week. I also had someone say something while my mind was in its fragile state, which was rooted in a weird way. 

When I started listing what I had to do over the next few days, they said, "That's all for you." Now I mentioned cleaning, prepping for camping season, clearing clutter, and, of course, the writing and the gym. This stuck with me and added to the paralysis I was dealing with. 

Yesterday, I finally allowed myself to break down and start feeling everything. I opened up to my husband about everything I was internalizing. Now, this is where my husband is good at what he does. He did not immediately tell me I was okay and try to fix me. He let me cry and talk it out. He gave me space to feel this and really work through it. 

First, yes, maybe the smoking while pregnant did not help anything, but I can't go back and change it. So we move forward and work with what we've got. I have plans in place to work with mini this summer to not tell her how, but work with her hand in hand to get her ready for 8th grade (holy shit...8th grade!). I am not doing everything for myself. Taking care of the home and making what we want is for all of us. I can also ask them to help with. Working like I do, it allows me to be able to give mini the life I have always wanted to give her. Where I can tell her yes and not have to worry if telling her yes will prevent me from paying a bill or buying food for the house. I no longer have to choose, and that feels amazing.  That leaves the gym and my writing. 

Those two are for me and me alone. They are my woosah moment. Doing those two things allows me to show up and be present in my parenting and work. I have been struggling so much with the thought process that I am being selfish, that I stopped doing my makeup and the things that make me, well, me. I felt like if I couldn't do for everyone else, I did not deserve to do for myself. I mean, if everything was about me, then I can't do anything. 

I mean, yeah, I went to the gym. I spent almost all the time on the treadmill so I could check a box saying I went. That is not why I was going; I could do that in my living room. I was going for the weights. I didn't really change my eating because, again, I don't deserve this because I broke my kid. 

I have slowed down and then stopped writing because, well, it was about me. And the mom guilt...what a bitch. After spending the time yesterday actually talking it out and feeling it, I made some realizations, and this is where we get a handle on a few things, and it's not a moment too soon. 

I know I mentioned it before, I said it in January and then poofed the fuck out again, but I am going back to the basics that worked for me. 

• Started a new self-help book (Currently listening to What if You are the Answer by Rachel Hollis that I found on Spotify)
• Going to the gym is not taking time away from my family it is in fact giving me more time with them in the long run. A few hours a week traded for a longer life. 
• The gym is also a place where I can turn it all off. I can focus on myself for that hour. I can pick up heavy things and put them down. I can tan and sit in the sauna without worrying about folding the laundry or what is for dinner. That will still be there in an hour. 
• My writing is mine; it is my dream, and I am better for following my dreams. See, I set an example for my girl. She sees mom working for what she wants and going after it. I am happier and calmer and a better mom, wife, friend, and employee because I am working with a medium that brings me joy.
• Writing on the blog is still writing, and it is still essential. I want to be a well-rounded author who can tell a story, yet can connect with my reader in more than one way. 
• Writing is just as critical to my weight loss as going to the gym because it relieves stress, so it helps eliminate. Yes, writing is one of the ways I destress so it helps elminate the cortisol. 
• I am enough. That is a complete sentence, just as is the word No. I do not need to explain it, nor do I have to justify it. 
• And while we are on this topic...I know of four women who have autistic children who did not smoke the first cigarette and were rarely around second hand smoke. So, could I have prevented it? There is no real way to know...all I can do now is move forward with the information I have. Create and execute an action plan that will teach my daughter healthy coping skills for dealing with what life handed us. 
• I also have an amazing support system both online and off line that will remind me I am doing my best when I feel like I am failing and my husband is the first one to step up when I need it. Two years ago, I could not say that.

So wrapping this up so I can get ready to go to work.

• The fact that I am worried about this means I am a great mom, even on the days I don't feel like it. 
• What I am doing is enough. 
• I have a whole lot of ass to throw into things, no more half-assing it. 
• I set the tone and the example, mini is watching everything. 
• If I do not show up for me, no one else is going to either. 

Closing this with I hope it is not another three months before I pause to talk to y'all. 

Till Next Time-

Audie