A little over a month ago when I decided to try living this season differently, I did not realize how hard it would be. I did not realize how far I had come, but yet how far I still had to go. I am definitely not the person I was, but I am not quite yet the person I want to be. I am picking up old habits, well not habits, but hobbies. I am learning things I like and do not totally like about me. I am coming out of my shell, but maybe too much sometimes.
There are some days I feel like I am sitting in a bay window watching the world pass me by. Even when I am there and in person, it still feels like I am looking through the world through glass. I want to join in, but there are days the voices tell me I am not welcome there.
Then there are days I am there, there is no glass and I am really living. But then my social awkwardness takes over and the whole process starts over. I have learned over the years I really am better at expressing myself through writing. I write brilliantly but speak like a toddler.
I trip over my words, say the wrong thing, unapologetically blunt (seriously I don't sugar coat shit..I am not willy wonka), but when I get close to you where I am comfortable enough to call you friend, there will come a point where I will say the wrong thing or do something dumb. If I haven't yet, hang around a moment and I will.
One of the things I have learned about me in this past month is I really do love fiercely and even if I say the wrong thing...it is coming from a good place! I am too much and enough all at the same time. I am rebuilding a life I want one day at a time, but I am still unlearning things. I am still learning how to be confident without being over confident because I feel like I have something to prove. I have nothing to prove. I am just me, I am not broken, I don't need to be fixed...I am just me.
Wrapping this up- I am a writer, a mom,a wife, a sandwich maker, a friend, and so much more. I am a human undoing years of trauma and anger. I found the root of my anger and found it has been growing wild for 26 years. It is gonna be a tough one to cut out, but it is happening one day, one moment at a time. It all started with writing my book. And with each sentence here on this blog and there in the book...I feel the strength of that root softening and in those moments I feel stronger in other roots. Just bare with me..in a seasoning of shedding to prepare for the regrowth!
Till Next time-
Audie
