I know that I had said I would be writing weekly and was working on 52 blogs this year...well, rules are meant to be broken. In fact, I am in a quandary in this season of my life. I am struggling with goals, and I was asked to dump my plate and then put all the right things back on it.
Well, I am feeling slightly uncomfortable and finding myself highly irritable right now and realized it was because I had not used an outlet or tool that allows me to find clarity and focus in over a month. Well, this needs to be re-added to my plate, but with some modifications. I am no longer looking to force a weekly blog but write when I am in the mood and hopefully not crammed into a corner that I cannot do justice. In fact, this blog was written in 2 parts...one this morning before work, and then instead of trying to shove a square peg in a round hole, it was paused and came back to after work.
I and this computer were not seeing eye to eye this morning, and then the guilt of not writing at all in February on top of having to be at work at 11, I started feeling like a failure...but this is not fail, but in fact, it is a challenge. See, I am in the last 9 weeks of my higher education journey, and then my writing time expands a lot. But right now, it is just feasible as well as it puts expectations on me to write weekly. It put me in a spiral of overwhelming…today; I stopped that spiral. This is not a problem with me, but it is, in fact, just a season of writing when I can as papers for a grade trump writing for fun right now. That is simply just life.
On top of finishing school, I sent my mini back to school (YESSSS!!!!), hours picked up at work (UM THANK YOU!), and I started deeper level coaching with Coach Tulin working with for four years. There is still house, mom/wife, and time to just kick my feet up and relax away from a screen, and did I mention sleep? Busy days and in that was a fear that I would never hit 10,000 views. Well, 1st it is hard to hit the views if there is nothing to view, and that fear does not know my strength when it comes to getting this fit into a corner, even if I have to fit it in two when the mind has so much swirling. When thought and want to do start nagging me, it is important to take the time to make it happen. This brings me to my next point.
On this current path of self-discovery, I have discovered that I needed a new look. I am not talking about hair, makeup...I am talking fashion. I wore clothes that were too big for me; I wore men's clothes as a way to hide. I was told all my life that certain things made in my size were not for me. I was told that I needed to hide the lumps, bumps, and rolls. Those lumps, bumps, and rolls were created by me and have shown up for me every day of my life and got me to a lot of places I never thought I would ever be. So am I not only hiding something I created but something that has shown up for me even with the chronic illness diagnosis? Why can't I wear shorts, tanks, and crop tops? You know what...I F'ing can, and I am. Now, there is a limit to where I wear certain things. My short shorts, my crop tops are house/porch attire for now. Some I do through a tank under and rock anywhere...It all depends on where I am with the roll-up and whoosh pattern and what look I want to have for the day. I am done with the fashion rules and am now refusing to follow a dress code...unless, of course, it is something I am paid to follow, and that is different.
See, it is not about the fashion rules, and it is not about being said I rebellious, which I really am, and that is a whole other blog to come. It is about the fact I have worked so hard to be "acceptable" I dressed like others expected me to or told me I should that I lost me, and I, at 40, am finally finding me. When my husband commented 40 going on 16, I realized that I was never allowed to dress the way I wanted fully...NEVER. It started with a few knee-length t-shirt dresses, and before I knew it, I was dressing like I am in my 20's and I look like I am in my 20's so why the hell not? I really do love this journey for me. Now, do not get me wrong, I still rock work appropriate, but now I shop by measurement, not a size tag. I buy what adheres with a flare. Tie-Dye, animal print, bright colors...I am down with all of it!
Then I started contemplating goals...I have always set goals, like SMART, small, big...goals were my jam. But what if in this season, I didn't set a goal. Goals can lead to expectations, and expectations can cause me to beat myself up for not meeting a goal....see a cycle here? So for the next few weeks, maybe a month or more, I am not setting a single goal, but instead, I will be proud of every choice I make that puts me closer to being who I am meant to be.
Can I let you in on a little secret...all of the above scares the shit out of me...I am talking deep-seated rooted fear, but I trust the process that my body and my coach are taking me through. Trust is the freedom from fear! It also allows me to continue to remove the expectations, which also removes resentments which is pure poison to someone like myself who is deep into recovery. One too many anger/resentment fits, and I will be right back into a package of swiss cake rolls and all the foods that go with it. I have come too far to go backward, and I am gonna dance on the broken glass of the ceilings I will break in my life.
As this installment comes to a close, I want to leave you with the fact that no one has to stay committed to a look, personality, or anything. There is always a choice to change...you can hit'em with the plot twist anytime you want. I discovered that while I am lady-like...I am not the typical sugar and spice kinda lady. I am rough around the edges, and I am falling in love with this sarcastic, coffee-drinking, swear like a sailor, fierce, loyal, and loves with every inch of her type of lady I am becoming.
Till Next Time,
Audie!
