Wait...What Rules? What rules am I trying to follow or try to not break? I mean seriuously. I am an adult and I do not remember a rule book being handed out when I turned 18. Now I am not talking laws or common sense things. I know I can not leave the house without pants, I know to treat people kindly, no speeding...the basics.
What I am talking about when I am talking rules are things I have been doing for a while because I feel like that is what I am supposed to do. Like this whole thing of vacuuming the grass, I am talking holding on tight to things that I think I am supposed to do because of my age, because of society's pressure, the list goes on. Today though-I am done with the white knuckle approach to just getting through the fall and the winter. I am done feeling shattered, broken, and stuck on repeat. All that has done is left me self sabotaging every year because that is just what I do and must be an unwritten rule somewhere and this way of thinking has left me feeling gross and defeated.
The first thing I did to break these rules was just a few days ago when I said fuck the plan. Now I want to pause here-there is a phrase someone used a few times...plan the work and then work the plan. Which is very much what I am doing. Yes, sounds conflicting...but let's explain this-I am planning on being present and intentional this season. That is the plan that I am working. It allows for plot twists-like being told yesterday that I now have Tuesday's off...Now I have Tuesday, Wednesday, and Sunday mornings that are mine??!!?? Can we talk about the amount of vacuuming the grass my head tried to put in place...had to have a whole come to Jesus meeting with the brain this morning explaining how much we were not doing this!
See I put it out in the universe I wanted a little more down time, I needed some more me time and it was given to me...talk about a plot twist! So now that I have it, my brain tried to fill it like we normally would do...but see I had other plans with it. I am using this time to work on my craft! I want to be a writer, so I am writing. Some days it may be the blog, but there is also a book I want to write. So now, I have some time to work on it.
This morning I also got to spend a lot of time in reflection and putting things into perspective. I started budgeting, cracking down, saving, and cash stuffing and then my brain went into protective mode and this weekend I may have done a little retail therapy. Which some would see as self sabotaging, but I prefer to see it as my brain went into protective mode. Which from this moment forward, I choose to no longer believe that I always self sabotage but yet I am self saving. It is simply my brain trying to save me from what it perceives as my certain death if I do things differently. Allowing to me make some tweaks and make a slow steady changes that will stick over time as my brain learns that this is who I be now! This way of thinking makes me feel empowered and in control.
Speaking of control-the next rule I am breaking is I am no longer focusing on things outside of my control or are not something that has to be decided right there in that day. This is not me putting things into boxes, this is not me shutting down emotions, this is me making a decision that tomorrow can worry about tomorrow while I stay present in the moment and what I am doing. Kinda goes back to the whole planning thing, I can plan certain things, but not all the things-seriously speaking life is not dinner.
Hell even when I plan dinner, I sometimes have a plot twist that happens. The hamburger sometimes does not make it out of the freezer and a plan b is needed! What I can control in all of this is my reactions to things...much like the hamburger. Husband forgot to take it out-I can choose to rage at him or I can choose to just throw a frozen burrito/pizza in the air fryer and say we will have tonight's dinner tomorrow. That burrito was awesome last night and I also took the moment to thank the fam for all the help they have been this past week. I took control and flipped anger to gratitude. Remember, small tweaks allow for bigger changes!
This whole season of intentionality is where I break my biggest rule...the one where I say I have to do it all perfectly or I don't do it all. The one where I realize that I have had the power all along to become this version of myself that I have always longed to be but I had too many stories and voices in my head telling me that I could never...but yet YES THE FUCK I CAN!
As I wrap up this one (can no longer say this week's) I leave you with this-It is totally okay to plan the work and then work the plan. But be prepared for plot twists that will happen. When they do come up the only thing I can control in that moment is my reaction. Yes, I can even be present to the emotions that the plot twist brings up, but that reaction, that reaction is what people will remember. That reaction is the reflection of who you want to be, and yes my husband knew I was upset-he apologized and it did not ruin the one of a few family nights we have. I took control of what I could in the moment and let go of what I could not-and it felt good to be in control.
So till next time Y'all-
Audie
