Complete 360!!!

Music is a powerful thing, it is crazy how much it can make you feel. It is also crazy how much you feel when stop feeding twinkies to them. It has been a crazy month and a half...crazier that I found a program that I committed to that changed everything and nothing at all.

This program changed everything about me, how I see me, and how I feel about me. I am no longer gonna hide in this corner because I am not a size two, I am no longer gonna spend my days making excuses for why I can't, and I am not gonna apologize for things I did not do or cause.  It is like the end of the Wizard when Glenda tells Dorthy why you had the power all along....like really, you put me through all of this to tell me something you could

have told me a dozen flying monkeys ago!!!
BUT if I had not made the journey, I would not have become friends with myself again, I would not have stepped out of my comfort zone. I would not have learned how to forgive, hell I would not have learned my own strength.
 So no, nothing has changed in theory. I am just doing a 360 in my way of thinking.








In all reality if you had told me this time last year, I would be on a healthy track. I would be in OA, my husband would have made the changes he made, and I would have quite smoking and drinking mountain dew.....

That is the look you would have gotten!!!! But, IT IS A REALITY!!

I have to work at it every single day...I have to rely on a higher power to keep me doing what deep deep deep down, buried under every soda and snack cake I ever consumed, I knew I needed to do. I went in to this with my inner child kicking and screaming...and I do mean tremendous threenager I have to leave the park fit.

But now, I enjoy my meetings, my posts, and discovering who I am!!!

 Cool and calm I got it!!! I finally figured it out for today...who knows I may wake up confused tomorrow.

But for today I have realized a few things...I am not gonna find an answer for any of my problems at the bottom of a bag of dorritos, eating a fudge round is not a fix it all for a bad day a good walk out or dance party works better!!! And finally, I am not some weak push over who has to put everyone before myself!!!

My inner strength is bad ass!!!

SO for today I am gonna make the best of it...I am gonna give it my all, and know that I am successfully taking my life back one day at a time!!!

I'll take the stairs

So I have made it to 45 days!!! I am 16 days cigarette free and I am in a really good place. I have spent every morning for the last six days in a meeting, I committed to 90 in 90 when my husband came home.

Since he made the announcement, I can explain where this whole journey started....My husband quite drinking, because of the amount and the frequency, he spend some time in an inpatient facility.....he made the decision, there was no discussion, there was no influence from anywhere....there was a revelation and he ran with it....That is the end of his part of my story....

Now for the rest of the story, when he made this desicion, I went to two extrememes...1) He won't want to be together anymore when he no longer has the beer goggles and 2) I was making a binge food grocery list and a netflix binge watch list. We talked about all this is a prior post...so onto where we are today....

 In my daily readings, meetings to keep me focused, in my meditations, and in photo's shared on facebook....I cam across this one and it triggered something:

 At first it was just like yup uh huh makes sense and then wham, lightbulbs went off like time square at night!!! It hit me so hard....this is my motto for right now.

See with an elevator...you push buttons, and wait...and then you climb in and are brought to what you want by the push of another button. Elevators can be overcrowded, stall, and sometimes you miss them and you have to wait for the next one...I for one am tired of pushing buttons and I am damn sure tired of waiting. What was I waiting on??? And another thing...when there is a fire...you can't take the elevator anyway. And when you stall...you are stuck waiting on someone to come get you out. Not to mention, anyone can join you on the elevator and you have to hit every stop along the way for other people before you reach your destination....and hope like hell no one farts...you are stuck with their stinky smell and it can linger long after they are gone...kinda like a shitty attitude.

The stairs, they are open!!! Yes, you can go at your own pace, you do not have to stop unless you want to. There is no overcrowding...most are button pushing waiting for something to come to them...and if you miss a step, no biggie, you may trip up for a second, but you can bounce right back with minimal wait times. Did I mention, there is no waiting on the stairs...they are always there...just waiting on you to take that first step. No need to stop at every floor on the way up...and here is my favorite...if someone who is taking the stairs with you farts...you can move away from them and the stink...no lingering shitty attitude.

So for here on out...I will be on the stairs, putting in the work, pushing less buttons, and waiting less on something to come to me. I want what I want when I want it...so I am gonna go fucking get it!!! Life is out there just waiting for you to grab it!!!! You know you want to!!!

 I have come so far from where I was just 45 short days ago!!! I feel like a new person, or a person I use to know...Me. I wil no longer apologize for things I can not control. No is a complete sentence and when I say No, it is not because I don't want to hang with you. It is because I can not be in that situation, I will no longer tempt myself with behaviours that are detrimental to recovery. I will surround myself with people who get what I am doing.

 Yes, it sucks not being able to do certain things, but there is still so much I can do. I can go to the gym, I can go to the movies, I can grab coffee, I can grab lunch...we can simply grab the kiddos and do the park!! Or whatever...I just have to put me first to keep up the growing I am doing.

So stop watching floor numbers, stop counting all the steps you still have to take and take the first one!!!




Just for today, I am taking the stairs and celebrating the new old me that is becoming me again!!! I have fallen in lobe with my life all over again....until the next time....I leave you with

One day at a time is all I can live...no more living 15 days ahead and worrying about things that are not pertinent to the here and now.