Expectations versus Reality

 

I am starting off 2021 going back to the basics of what has worked in the past, including morning coffee and journaling. I also am adding a few new elements and simplifying the old ones. Once it was like 5 daily readers, and I spent more time flipping between them than actually reading them and absorbing the words I was reading. So, I picked 3. A devotional called You are Worth More Than Rubies, Recovery Meditations, and The Courage to Change. All three play into what I am working on this year. I also will be incorporating a bible verse a week into the mix. 

I am kicking it off with Romans 12:2. Not only does it tie into the maximizing, but it also talks of renewing my mind. By going back to the basics of something that works so well for me, I will totally renew my mind and faith. All of this brings me to something I am working hard on, a root, if you will, on what always seems to hold me in place or cripples me, which are expectations. 

See, I had expectations of being fit and healthy, a nonsmoker, and someone who had that balance of life at 40. Spoiler alert, I am still working on it, I am not, and I am still very much a hot mess and living in organized chaos. And the closer I got to 40, the more I beat myself up about it, probably the root of my mental breakdown in November this past year. To be quite honest, the reason now came to fruition, I didn't put in the work like I should have. I seriously think deep down I just expected all of this to happen. I could not control certain aspects of my life, I mean a pandemic, virtual schooling, my work schedule...all out of my control. My husband reading my mind for how I needed his help, none of which could be controlled by me, and I expected it to all just magically happen. 

I also felt myself healing and growing, and it brought up a lot of emotions I was not prepared to have to deal with. I thought I would change and become all of the mentioned above without growth and work; I am unsure. I am pretty sure somewhere along the last year, I became a delusional party of one. But, as the year wound down, I realized that it was necessary to get through it one messy emotion at a time if I really wanted to be all I can be. I also knew that I needed to make some changes. So I started bringing back music and journaling with my coffee, I started my mornings off dancing again. 

As I started processing old emotions and bringing this to the surface I had buried, I realized my life has never been easy. I was carrying a lot of anger and resentment, some even coming from the expectations of others. And all of the above was not only being carried mentally, but it was also being carried physically. This became evident as I watched my body shift and change as I made mental health changes. Weird right? As my coach mentioned before, it was not totally unexpected, but I heard it differently when I saw it happening. When I started to see and feel this shift, it hit me differently. I truly had survived every bad day in my life, and I was bound and determined to continue this trend, but with fewer bad days. 

The only true way for this to happen is to continue the healing journey I am on and lose my expectations of what each day will hold. How does one who is on this journey with chronic conditions, holding tight to recovery, and being busy do this? Simple really...I continue moving forward with a mindset I started to develop in the back half of 2020.

Harmony, I will continue to live in harmony with all of the above. I will not let the situations and the medical issues control my day, but I will move with them so that I can not accept what is going on but keep my serenity. The cornerstone of being able to heal and recover from the eating disorder/food addiction is serenity. It keeps me from having so many white knuckle days and allows me, after five long years, to fully embrace a way of eating that works for me. 

When I fully embraced this serenity and made the shift, there were two very apparent shifts in me and how I lived. First, I adopted a true attitude of gratitude-but that is a blog for another day. The second is I developed a self-confidence level I had not had in a long time; this is the reality I found. When I let go of all the expectations of these things I wanted just coming to be and faced the reality of putting in the work, I found self-confidence in myself. 

I am not a victim, I am not my circumstances, and I am not destined to be stuck in current situations. I am strong, and I can do something about anything in my life that truly is in my control. I am not a damsel in distress that needs rescuing. I am a badass who realized I needed help, and I needed more from my life partner, so I ASKED for it. I did not wait nor expect him to read my mind anymore. 

I started trusting myself and stopped second-guessing every decision I made. If I messed it up or failed at that attempt, it was, was, or will be okay. You know why? Because I took action and TRIED something! I am in total control of every aspect of the actions I am taking. The first is when I reaffirmed my decision to lead a life of faith-based decision making (remember, work in progress-I do love Jesus, but I cuss a bit) and letting go and letting God, I stopped having to worry about the next chapter or season of my life. I control the decisions I make, but I am also in control of any tweaks that need to be made, and I am becoming more confident in the decisions and boundaries I am setting. 

As I wrap the first blog of 2021. I am leaving you with this...I am me, unapologetically, unashamed, and confidently becoming the woman I want to be ME. Once I stopped trying to live up to the expectations others had put on me and accepted the reality, I would never live up to them-everything changed. This is my journey-one day, one choice at a time. If I do not have a timeline or a goal weight for myself, no one else can have one for me either. I am enjoying the journey to becoming who I am meant to be and discovering what shape this body is taking as an adult woman. This means that I might pause to reflect and just sit with where I am on the journey, to let it sink in that it truly is me looking back at me from the mirror. That it truly is me living in the moment. That I am truly living in reality versus the expectations put on me. 

So till Next time Y'all-

Audie! 

No one was hurt in the writing of this blog...(Part 4 of 4 of the wrap up of 2020).

 

There is no doubt about it, 2020 was a rough year. But was it really? As I sit here and reflect on it as I wrap up this wrap...this was the year that changed everything for me. I thought it was 2009 when Mom passed, I thought it was 2011 as that was the year I met my husband, 2012 I had my daughter...so many more instances I can think of. But Nah...2020 was that one year that changed it all. 

This was the year that in the middle of a meltdown, a total mental burnout, on the verge of saying Fuck it all, just completely checking out from everything and going numb again...I reached out to the one person that could save me. I reached out for a hand instead of imploding inward. That hand was my husband's. My rock, my male best friend, my other half, and the one that knows me better than I know myself. 

The conversation we held was one that was the hardest to date. I reached out and asked for help. I was overwhelmed with all the constant looks to me for all the decisions. I was overwhelmed trying to balance it all, and I needed something that I was not sure he would be on board with. I finally explained exactly what I needed in the form of help, in full explicit detail. I left nothing unsaid, I went full vulnerable when talking about kinks, what was on my mind, and then I waited...

I sat back and gave him space to understand what I had just asked him for. I asked him to take more control in certain aspects of our life, including making certain aspects of self-care non-negotiable. This was 3 days before Thanksgiving. After he had a minute to wrap his head around what was being asked and some longer clarification conversations, he was on board. Y'all...let me tell you when I say this one conversation changed everything, I mean EVERYTHING. There was a 10-pound weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt like I could truly breathe again. Not only did are we like newlyweds again, but we are also communicating on a whole new level. This one shift in dynamic has begun to spill into many other levels of my life, and yes, I am drinking my water. I am moving my body, I am clear-headed, and I am noticeably happy. 

This man of mine is truly my soul mate. When we first got together nine years ago, he saved me from a rough situation. He flat out told my BFF he liked me-not sure if he loved me. Today, he will tell anyone he loves me, and this time he saved me from myself. He saved me from throwing it all away-school, job, everything I have worked so hard for because of a moment of being overwhelmed. Then I remembered being overwhelmed is a choice, and it was time to make a better one. 

That one decision on top of adopting a version of Keto that has become Audie's WOE has been the top two decisions of 2020. These two decisions are the catalyst to what comes next for me. They are the two things that kept circling in my head as I started mentally planning 2021. I was seeing things being shed that did not serve me, I felt confident again, I was feeling a mental shift and seeing a physical shift. Like literally the last month has been the best month of my life in a long time! I felt something I had not felt in I honestly don't know how I was thrilled. Now, this does not mean that I was walking around in smiles all the time. I mean, I am still a woman-I still feel all the other emotions and had many WTF moments (I do still work in retail), but the joy was the base of how I felt.  

But there is one event of 2020 that destroyed me...the end of Supernatural. I mean, it was something we knew would have to happen someday, but in the midst of the pandemic...really??!!?? But after I finally calmed down after the ending, a 2-hour ugly cry fest...I looked up at my wall and seen the amazing one kind handcrafted version of the exorcism spell...I was reminded of why I had it made in the first place. 

My recovery, mental health healing, and success in this journey started when I dubbed them demons being cast out. When I made this journey truly my own and applied the always keep fighting momentum to this thing I am doing...it started working. So I sat with this for a bit, I prayed over it, I got an answer yesterday...I am merging all aspects of my life. I am learning to live in harmony with things I can not change. But anything I can change...anything I can remove is forever known as a demon that can be exercised. Y'all thought that my shift in the first thirty days was something...check back with me in six months. 

I will be salting and burning lots of things. I will be processing baggage that is years old and letting so much ish go; you could call me Elsa. I am in the mental and physical space to maximize the progress that 2018, 2019, and 2020 brought me, and I would be a fool not to. 

With all the drastic changes that came out of 2020, it only makes sense that I learn from this. It only makes sense that I shift with the times and embrace who I am and what I want out of life. I want this feeling of joy I have to never go away. Maybe it is the fact that I turned 40, maybe it is a fact I am 5 years binge free, maybe it the two months in the house I had to build an apartment appropriate gym, who knows. But what I do know is I learned a hell of a lot about myself this year and that I am at a crossroads in my life.

 I am not done, but I am moving in the direction that I want to be in. I am learning to listen to my body and what it needs. Somedays, we need movement, and somedays we need a weighted blanket session on the couch. Somedays, we need both. I am learning to feel again, truly feel as well as actively listen. All this to say, as I move forward. I am not someone sipping coffee talking about this journey. I am actively on that road hunting things and saving my life. 

For too long, all the trauma and negativity in my life tried to kill me, not anymore. I will hunt them down one issue, one event at a time, and I will salt and burn it. 

So, I felt that the coffee references were so last season, and it was time for a change. This is also a homage to the virtual races and the roads I have traveled so far, and the roads I will continue to travel. I also plan to start using then and now to discuss progress pictures. I feel like this shift has been a long time coming, but as they say, timing is everything. I was not ready for it before. So as I wrap this up and get my day started, I want to end on this note...

I am in the space of constant shifting as I work on myself. I honestly can not tell you what the next blog will be about as I am now writing about all aspects of life. I can tell you that I have a goal of 52 blogs in 2021-but not sure what day of the week they will be written. I refuse to not utilize this self-care outlet as it is one of my favorite things to do. I have had so much fun writing this wrap-up, and I am taking this joy into 2021 with me. 

Till Next Time-

Audie