No one was hurt in the writing of this blog...(Part 4 of 4 of the wrap up of 2020).

 

There is no doubt about it, 2020 was a rough year. But was it really? As I sit here and reflect on it as I wrap up this wrap...this was the year that changed everything for me. I thought it was 2009 when Mom passed, I thought it was 2011 as that was the year I met my husband, 2012 I had my daughter...so many more instances I can think of. But Nah...2020 was that one year that changed it all. 

This was the year that in the middle of a meltdown, a total mental burnout, on the verge of saying Fuck it all, just completely checking out from everything and going numb again...I reached out to the one person that could save me. I reached out for a hand instead of imploding inward. That hand was my husband's. My rock, my male best friend, my other half, and the one that knows me better than I know myself. 

The conversation we held was one that was the hardest to date. I reached out and asked for help. I was overwhelmed with all the constant looks to me for all the decisions. I was overwhelmed trying to balance it all, and I needed something that I was not sure he would be on board with. I finally explained exactly what I needed in the form of help, in full explicit detail. I left nothing unsaid, I went full vulnerable when talking about kinks, what was on my mind, and then I waited...

I sat back and gave him space to understand what I had just asked him for. I asked him to take more control in certain aspects of our life, including making certain aspects of self-care non-negotiable. This was 3 days before Thanksgiving. After he had a minute to wrap his head around what was being asked and some longer clarification conversations, he was on board. Y'all...let me tell you when I say this one conversation changed everything, I mean EVERYTHING. There was a 10-pound weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt like I could truly breathe again. Not only did are we like newlyweds again, but we are also communicating on a whole new level. This one shift in dynamic has begun to spill into many other levels of my life, and yes, I am drinking my water. I am moving my body, I am clear-headed, and I am noticeably happy. 

This man of mine is truly my soul mate. When we first got together nine years ago, he saved me from a rough situation. He flat out told my BFF he liked me-not sure if he loved me. Today, he will tell anyone he loves me, and this time he saved me from myself. He saved me from throwing it all away-school, job, everything I have worked so hard for because of a moment of being overwhelmed. Then I remembered being overwhelmed is a choice, and it was time to make a better one. 

That one decision on top of adopting a version of Keto that has become Audie's WOE has been the top two decisions of 2020. These two decisions are the catalyst to what comes next for me. They are the two things that kept circling in my head as I started mentally planning 2021. I was seeing things being shed that did not serve me, I felt confident again, I was feeling a mental shift and seeing a physical shift. Like literally the last month has been the best month of my life in a long time! I felt something I had not felt in I honestly don't know how I was thrilled. Now, this does not mean that I was walking around in smiles all the time. I mean, I am still a woman-I still feel all the other emotions and had many WTF moments (I do still work in retail), but the joy was the base of how I felt.  

But there is one event of 2020 that destroyed me...the end of Supernatural. I mean, it was something we knew would have to happen someday, but in the midst of the pandemic...really??!!?? But after I finally calmed down after the ending, a 2-hour ugly cry fest...I looked up at my wall and seen the amazing one kind handcrafted version of the exorcism spell...I was reminded of why I had it made in the first place. 

My recovery, mental health healing, and success in this journey started when I dubbed them demons being cast out. When I made this journey truly my own and applied the always keep fighting momentum to this thing I am doing...it started working. So I sat with this for a bit, I prayed over it, I got an answer yesterday...I am merging all aspects of my life. I am learning to live in harmony with things I can not change. But anything I can change...anything I can remove is forever known as a demon that can be exercised. Y'all thought that my shift in the first thirty days was something...check back with me in six months. 

I will be salting and burning lots of things. I will be processing baggage that is years old and letting so much ish go; you could call me Elsa. I am in the mental and physical space to maximize the progress that 2018, 2019, and 2020 brought me, and I would be a fool not to. 

With all the drastic changes that came out of 2020, it only makes sense that I learn from this. It only makes sense that I shift with the times and embrace who I am and what I want out of life. I want this feeling of joy I have to never go away. Maybe it is the fact that I turned 40, maybe it is a fact I am 5 years binge free, maybe it the two months in the house I had to build an apartment appropriate gym, who knows. But what I do know is I learned a hell of a lot about myself this year and that I am at a crossroads in my life.

 I am not done, but I am moving in the direction that I want to be in. I am learning to listen to my body and what it needs. Somedays, we need movement, and somedays we need a weighted blanket session on the couch. Somedays, we need both. I am learning to feel again, truly feel as well as actively listen. All this to say, as I move forward. I am not someone sipping coffee talking about this journey. I am actively on that road hunting things and saving my life. 

For too long, all the trauma and negativity in my life tried to kill me, not anymore. I will hunt them down one issue, one event at a time, and I will salt and burn it. 

So, I felt that the coffee references were so last season, and it was time for a change. This is also a homage to the virtual races and the roads I have traveled so far, and the roads I will continue to travel. I also plan to start using then and now to discuss progress pictures. I feel like this shift has been a long time coming, but as they say, timing is everything. I was not ready for it before. So as I wrap this up and get my day started, I want to end on this note...

I am in the space of constant shifting as I work on myself. I honestly can not tell you what the next blog will be about as I am now writing about all aspects of life. I can tell you that I have a goal of 52 blogs in 2021-but not sure what day of the week they will be written. I refuse to not utilize this self-care outlet as it is one of my favorite things to do. I have had so much fun writing this wrap-up, and I am taking this joy into 2021 with me. 

Till Next Time-

Audie