I am starting off 2021 going back to the basics of what has worked in the past, including morning coffee and journaling. I also am adding a few new elements and simplifying the old ones. Once it was like 5 daily readers, and I spent more time flipping between them than actually reading them and absorbing the words I was reading. So, I picked 3. A devotional called You are Worth More Than Rubies, Recovery Meditations, and The Courage to Change. All three play into what I am working on this year. I also will be incorporating a bible verse a week into the mix.
I am kicking it off with Romans 12:2. Not only does it tie into the maximizing, but it also talks of renewing my mind. By going back to the basics of something that works so well for me, I will totally renew my mind and faith. All of this brings me to something I am working hard on, a root, if you will, on what always seems to hold me in place or cripples me, which are expectations.
See, I had expectations of being fit and healthy, a nonsmoker, and someone who had that balance of life at 40. Spoiler alert, I am still working on it, I am not, and I am still very much a hot mess and living in organized chaos. And the closer I got to 40, the more I beat myself up about it, probably the root of my mental breakdown in November this past year. To be quite honest, the reason now came to fruition, I didn't put in the work like I should have. I seriously think deep down I just expected all of this to happen. I could not control certain aspects of my life, I mean a pandemic, virtual schooling, my work schedule...all out of my control. My husband reading my mind for how I needed his help, none of which could be controlled by me, and I expected it to all just magically happen.
I also felt myself healing and growing, and it brought up a lot of emotions I was not prepared to have to deal with. I thought I would change and become all of the mentioned above without growth and work; I am unsure. I am pretty sure somewhere along the last year, I became a delusional party of one. But, as the year wound down, I realized that it was necessary to get through it one messy emotion at a time if I really wanted to be all I can be. I also knew that I needed to make some changes. So I started bringing back music and journaling with my coffee, I started my mornings off dancing again.
As I started processing old emotions and bringing this to the surface I had buried, I realized my life has never been easy. I was carrying a lot of anger and resentment, some even coming from the expectations of others. And all of the above was not only being carried mentally, but it was also being carried physically. This became evident as I watched my body shift and change as I made mental health changes. Weird right? As my coach mentioned before, it was not totally unexpected, but I heard it differently when I saw it happening. When I started to see and feel this shift, it hit me differently. I truly had survived every bad day in my life, and I was bound and determined to continue this trend, but with fewer bad days.
The only true way for this to happen is to continue the healing journey I am on and lose my expectations of what each day will hold. How does one who is on this journey with chronic conditions, holding tight to recovery, and being busy do this? Simple really...I continue moving forward with a mindset I started to develop in the back half of 2020.
Harmony, I will continue to live in harmony with all of the above. I will not let the situations and the medical issues control my day, but I will move with them so that I can not accept what is going on but keep my serenity. The cornerstone of being able to heal and recover from the eating disorder/food addiction is serenity. It keeps me from having so many white knuckle days and allows me, after five long years, to fully embrace a way of eating that works for me.
When I fully embraced this serenity and made the shift, there were two very apparent shifts in me and how I lived. First, I adopted a true attitude of gratitude-but that is a blog for another day. The second is I developed a self-confidence level I had not had in a long time; this is the reality I found. When I let go of all the expectations of these things I wanted just coming to be and faced the reality of putting in the work, I found self-confidence in myself.
I am not a victim, I am not my circumstances, and I am not destined to be stuck in current situations. I am strong, and I can do something about anything in my life that truly is in my control. I am not a damsel in distress that needs rescuing. I am a badass who realized I needed help, and I needed more from my life partner, so I ASKED for it. I did not wait nor expect him to read my mind anymore.
I started trusting myself and stopped second-guessing every decision I made. If I messed it up or failed at that attempt, it was, was, or will be okay. You know why? Because I took action and TRIED something! I am in total control of every aspect of the actions I am taking. The first is when I reaffirmed my decision to lead a life of faith-based decision making (remember, work in progress-I do love Jesus, but I cuss a bit) and letting go and letting God, I stopped having to worry about the next chapter or season of my life. I control the decisions I make, but I am also in control of any tweaks that need to be made, and I am becoming more confident in the decisions and boundaries I am setting.
As I wrap the first blog of 2021. I am leaving you with this...I am me, unapologetically, unashamed, and confidently becoming the woman I want to be ME. Once I stopped trying to live up to the expectations others had put on me and accepted the reality, I would never live up to them-everything changed. This is my journey-one day, one choice at a time. If I do not have a timeline or a goal weight for myself, no one else can have one for me either. I am enjoying the journey to becoming who I am meant to be and discovering what shape this body is taking as an adult woman. This means that I might pause to reflect and just sit with where I am on the journey, to let it sink in that it truly is me looking back at me from the mirror. That it truly is me living in the moment. That I am truly living in reality versus the expectations put on me.
So till Next time Y'all-
Audie!
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