Saved, Lost, and Found

I am learning something...the deeper into recovery I get, the deeper these get. I need to put a disclaimer here....

**I am white knuckling my food sobriety this weekend. I am back in a lot of the literature, heavy in prayer, and short on will power and high on emotions. I also am emotionally volatile ....very very very volatile.**

Saturday would have been my Mom's 56th birthday. I will celebrate it the best I can with Ab's go get a dollar store balloon, talk about her, and send it on up to heaven. I will go through the motions of the day. I will also feel all the emotions and they are already heavy....this is my first birthday in recovery. This is the first stumbling block since completing the 12 steps that has had me pulling out all the old books and doing a step 2-4 rehash. Between last Sunday's sermon and this rehash....I am working through some of my past. 

I know we talk from time to time about how I was raised in the faith and how I was shuttled to church, youth group, I mean I have listened to the Newsboys for about as long as I have listened to Green Day....if that doesn't date me....anyway before I digress....I have performed at the Norfolk Scope on stage with a hundred plus local kids at an Acquire the Fire convention. This life is nothing new to me.


I walked away from it at 17....so I was saved and then lost. There was a trip into the mountains and landing in Job Corps...they were the best years of my life...or so I thought. I lost my faith, I lost my religion, and I lost myself. I did everything I could to fit in. I like rock music...Manson, Korn, all of it...but that was not truly who I was. I truly lost me.

Flash forward to my 20's....a trail of broken dreams, promises, in and out of every taboo relationship. In the background of all this was Mom....what I would give to have that time that I spent avoiding calling home back...for just one last phone call. When all was falling apart, I could always depend on her to help me talk it out and put it back together, even if just for a moment.


I have had this look a few times but it was not my shoe...it was me. Every time I lost me, Mom helped me find me again....she was my

When I lost my Mom, I didn't just lose my mom...I lost my rock, my lighthouse in the storm of life....I lost my safe place and my sounding board. Every hair brain scheme...every crazy I am gonna be a big star dream....she laughed but said if any of you are gonna do it...it is you. What can I say, I am a Dreamer. This blog, oh she would be my biggest supporter and reader. She would make sure everyone she knew, knew her daughter had a blog out there.

Here we are 18 years after I became lost...seven years after losing my anchor to the real world and I am finally found again. I do not regret my lost years. I have some amazing friends I am still in contact with and they get to meet the me I am. They stood by me when I was broken, lost, numb, and confused and celebrate that my lost years lead me to my where I am now.

 I am found. Five years ago was the pivoting point to where I started finding me again. No one can tell me, Aaron was not destiny, fate, God's plan....the road blocks and the fights to keep me up there was definitely the Devil's handiwork, and worth the push to make it down here. From the first hug...I knew he was home and my safe place. From the first kiss, I knew he would be my last. We saved each other. Now yes, the first 4 years...we did not live like we should. We were lost together.

But year 4 into year 5....that is where we truly were found and saved each other. We did not do it alone, we did not do it by works, steps, or our own strength....not even the strength of each other. We did it by faith, prayer, and slowly but surely....I am finding me again. Things I have not thought about or done since I was 17/18 I am embracing again.


I am singing in public every week with a mic on...and there is no liquid courage just that faith that God has me and this is what he has planned for me.



There is no amount of comfort food that can bring back my Mom, I know I tried for a year. No amount of anger can bring her back either....I am angry though....I am angry she never got to meet my husband, my daughter. I am angry that an addiction took her....See Mom had some of the same health issues I have. She taught me final lesson with her life...how not to cope with fibromyalgia. I love my Mom, I hate the lifestyle that tore everything apart.


Out of the ashes....I rose to face the challenge...for both of us

If not just for me....for her I will beat this illness. No one knows the pain, physical and emotional, no one how hard it is to focus when even the hair on your head is too much....when your skin feels like needles running through it...when all you wanna do is sleep...but pain keeps you awake unless you live it.


So just for today, I am laying this all down...now that it is out, I have no reason to pick it back up...

I am gonna make it through this weekend...sobriety intact and gearing up for the 365th day blog!! I have too many races waiting in the wings to quit now!!!


Thanks for reading!!!