The past is just....

 the past!!! It is never supposed to be a place where we unpack and live our lives. I have been guilty of that and still catch myself doing that time to time. It is an old habit that dies very hard. I also am learning that dwelling there is not helpful either!!! So I have started shaking off the past and doing things that are way outside my comfort zone. If you had told me four years ago that not only would I be a mom, that I would be involved with church activities...I would have laughed you out of the way. But I have gotten to that point. I also am no longer discussing things that happened to me if it is not conductive to what I am doing!! I am learning from those past mistakes...not making them again and above all else.

Yesterday was a weird day and had a hard time writing this...I was in a weird head space...I think June was just taking it's time clearing out. SO

TO July 2...I did the reading, the prayer and the meditating and self aware came up twice...so I got to thinking about it. And I really wanted to talk about that...the dictionary defines self awareness as

Definition of SELF-AWARENESS

:  an awareness of one's own personality or individuality 

 

So I then started thinking about my personality and all it's traits...I am quirky, I am determined, I am goal driven...in certain areas. I do have some character defects...I am rash, I am passive aggressive at times, and I have some traits that could go either way biggest example being my sarcasm. But with all this said, I am aware of who I am and what I am striving to make better about me...that passive aggressive stuff man...it is buried deep!! The point of all this being, I am always striving to be a better person...this is a walk that I am never gonna be done with, much like the fact I will always be in recovery.

I may do six cycles of the steps before I am ready to live in just steps 10,11, and 12...I may be in recovery for a full year before I say okay, yes I am ready to sponsor. I will know when it is time for all of this, because I have a new motto...when things bother me and wanna take me all the way back to the beginning...I have to turn it over and step it out! So I have been stomping a few things out here lately and still working on some of it.





Now, something I am working hard on...I need to really really get better at talking to someone about things, rather then letting it fester. I try and find the good in every relationship I have formed and really appreciate something about everyone...but sometimes it is the most difficult thing.








I also am working on being committed but saying no to things that do not grow me...not just benefit me. I am building a planner and scheduling self care times for me, I am scheduling my mommy time, and scheduling things to do with Abbie and Hubby so I am not neglecting them. I am going to learn balance and I am gonna stop feeling guilty for saying no.

If there is a scheduling conflict...I will work with it as it comes. If there is an unexpected curve ball..I will deal with that too. But I am no longer gonna feel bad for saying no or for saying that I already have plans. School has to be a priority too...so hoping to one day say..I have a handle on it all.

So wrapping up....appreciate everyone, but say no when you need to...be self aware, but also strive to be a little better tomorrow than you were yesterday, be commited-don't put off today to-do list...work on top three have to's and plan a little fun!!!

Just for today-A failure to plan is a plan to fail, but leave some wiggle room!!! And PLAY NICE!!

Planning or overthinking?

I am a pro at procrastination. If it can be put off...I am going to put it off.

 I can plan, and plan, and I can say well I have x amount of days so I will start it tomorrow...but tomorrow never really gets here till the thing I am prepping for it actually TOMORROW!! So the first thing I am committing to is no more procrastination. There will be days when my body is gonna make me slow down, but I am going to take better advantage of the ones where it lets me rock and roll!! So here is the deal...I am making a commitment for July..31 posts in 31 days...this does not count for the 1st...I will be doing on later on today's, Well July 1st reading.

Speaking of commitment, I made a commitment to do something way outside of my comfort zone in a few areas of my life...I am attending a bible study every Tuesday Morning, I am volunteering my time for VBS, and I am actually helping with a part of the bible study on Tuesday that makes it a commitment to not only be there, but to work on this spiritual growth thing I have going. See I set on major goal in January to be a better me in December then I was in January.

I didn't actually start really working towards that goal till April, so 4 months in and I can see and feel the changes. I am in no way done...I am done being negative, I am done being a pushover, and I am hiding behind my past and making excuses for things. But I am also not wasting my second chance at being this person I want to be.

 Second chances, things that are not handed out...luckily mine was given to me by a higher power and I did not need to rely on anyone to give it to me.

  When I started OA, I figured it would be something that I would do for awhile, get bored, change my mind...but I am finding the deeper I get into it, the more I have no intention of ever stopping...I will always be in recovery...oh well...it brought me back to where I belong. For the first three weeks, I used HP and I tried clinging to the religious beliefs I had and found that they either A)Didn't fit the program or B)I was drifting back to the original HP that lead me to the experiences that molded me into the person I was becoming before choices got in the way.

 See, I made the choice to throw everything that I was taught growing up away. I made the choice to allow others behaviors to split me from where I was headed and I allowed others to influence me into making choices that I did not want to make. All of the choices, while yes led me to where I am sitting today...they were not the best choices. Do I regret them, not at all...again they brought me here where I am able to use my story to help someone else. So I would do it all again in the same order I did it in the first time...the only change I would make is to find my husband sooner so I could love him longer. He is a blog of his own though...lol

I have a restored faith in not only God, the church, but in life and in the people of the church...as I dip my toes in the water and slowly work my way back into things. I also have a restored faith in me...this past week left me a little rocky, but again I recommitted to making it happen. I  have not been to a meeting in forever either...because of the chaos, but starting Thursday....I am going back to meetings and mediation and reading and just all round making things happen in my life.

 So I am making plans and working on my schedule but I want to close with this...there is a difference between planning and over thinking. I am planning on having everything in my home done by July 15th...little every day and having a master to do list that I check at least three things off of a day...(and no drink coffee is not on the list...that is just a given) But will I beat myself up if it is not done..nope. Will I start over thinking the process and making it overwhelming with how it HAS to be done...nope.

Will I borrow troubles by stressing out about getting it done...nope. I am going to plan to be successful and be committed and determined to maintain this change....I mean in all seriousness...if I can go 60 days without a cigarette...If I can go 88 days without Doritos or a REESE CUP....I can do this!!!! 

So just for today...I am gonna plan to write out my action plan and do some self care!!! Tomorrow will take care of it self tomorrow.

One day at a time!!!!!

What a week...

So I said daily blogs and all that fun stuff, unfortunately life got in the way last week. I had my daughters birthday party yesterday and last week was all about getting ready for that...but today I am recommitting to my daily posts...I have missed my quite and meditation time.

So yesterday I had someone snap some pics of me and at first glance....I was wow, I really need to double down on some of the changes I am trying to make...

And then I really looked at that picture and I started really thinking and going back through old pictures...

The black dress is from 2011!

I Have come a very very long way!! Still have aways to go, but definitely some  progress!!!                        












When I really stop and sit down and think about where I was, and where I have been, and where I am headed...I realize that I have had a shift in my attitude. I knew how to play the victim the well...today I am still guilty of this for a bit, but I also have an attitude of mercy or forgiveness...including forgiving myself for not being what everyone thinks I should be. I spent so so much time doing that, I forgot who I truly was...this OA journey is actually for me not about the foods I can or can not have, it is not about the things I am giving up...it is rediscovery of self and what I am gaining in self confidence...I was in shorts!!!

My story and what I want to share is becoming a driving force in this...each positive step forward is exciting, so much so that I want more!!! I want to lose the weight, but I want my positive head space more!  Speaking of the head space...I have found a character flaw I am working on....my headspace is no longer for rent!! 

 I am getting better at forgiving, but just because I forgive does not mean that I forget and that I am gonna let this happen again...remember, no longer the victim!! Pain will teach us a lesson, but we do not have to stay there!! Painful is not always good for me and that saying no pain no gain...well once I have gained all I can...that pain needs to be gone...I live with enough with the fibro!!!







So there is about to be some winds of change and in that change there is a full shit of focus. I am no longer focusing on what that attempted to kill me...I got the strength to move forward from there!!! I am focusing on doing things that which make me happy and help me grow into the person I wanted to be at 17. I got a little distracted. It was a distraction that was needed...it lead me here!! Stay tuned...big things to come....thought I was done...far from it.

 So grab your popcorn and watch the rebuild happen and watch this imperfectly perfect beautiful disaster become not only a person who no longer hides, but one that will no longer allow anyone to tell me how to feel or handle my life. Don't like my life...get your own.








Just for today...I am gonna conquer some fears and make some big steps coming out of my comfort zone.