Closure is BS...

 We all say we want it, hell demand it, say we need it. For me, there are certain people I will not have closure with due to death or removing them from my life so now I will never fully be able to deal with things. Well, it is bullshit. Keep reading I promise it will make sense...

In a moment of clarity tonight...I realized that by saying I needed the apology or the closure I was allowing myself to be stuck. I was giving myself permission to just sit around and wait. I didn't have to change or anything because I never was gonna get that apology. So I can sit here and pout. And we all know where that got me...375 plus pounds and eventually broke and homeless. 

There is an apology I need and that one is from me to me. I need to apologize to myself for not showing up for me. For not just drinking the water, for not eating the foods that serve me, for not moving...the list goes on. The need to try and fill the emptiness of not getting these apologies led me to here...but truly where is here?

Here not in a physical sense but a sense of becoming the version of me I want to be. And while we are on that topic...there is a another bullshit saying I am going to apologize to myself for saying...new me. New me this and new me that...I don't want to be a new me. A better me doesn't even sit well...see I love me. My bad-ass, coffee dependent, loves to dance and write, who kicks ass at accomplishing anything I put my mind to self. Are the things about me I want to change...yup there are but my core being...I love her. Who she stands for and what she stands for are pretty bad ass. She got a little lost in the muck waiting on that apology. 

So tonight I am taking the first steps in giving myself that closure I was so desperately seeking. I am apologizing to myself for not nuturing myself when I needed it. I am apologizing to myself for keeping myself stuck in a mindset of this is just what it is for so long. I am apologizing for trying to change myself to be something or someone I am not. Personally, this apology is long overdue. 

And as I type this...there is a huge weight lifting. It is definitely my year of taking back the control of me and my emotions one day at a time. I am just getting started...and this is gonna be one hell of a leg of the journey!

Till next time-

Audie