Today is an exciting day...my first look at the new apartment. However there is a lot running through my head. See here is something I am about to admit...I am not the best housekeeper. I know how to do it, I know what to do...but there is a darkness attached to housework. I was forced to do it at such a young age, I despise it. Like utterly despise it to the point that my house has been like a week away from an episode of Hoarders a few times before I said okay enough. So I see this not at a first look at the next phase of the rebuild but yet how much house am I gonna have to clean...
Now that I have put that out there...it allows for a freeing feeling...wait what?? See I am simply a human being being human. I have defects and I am not perfect. By admitting the above it frees me from having to portray me being perfect at doing it all and it brings awareness to the things I am working on changing. It is a chance to rewire my brain to I get to versus I have to situation.
See it is okay to not know how to manage all the things. It is okay to set them down because my old way of doing all the things did not work...it stiffled the growth. It slowed the process of the outside person making an appearance as the inner person found herself. I am willing to admit these things now as they are what attracted me to the life of food addiction and constant state of busy. Because of this willingness, the ability to change is slowly becoming more of a reality versus a whole lot of wishful thinking.
With all that said...back to seeing the apartment. While I am excited there was a part of me that was like whatever...it is only mine till April then back to the damn camper...here I had a stop it Audie moment! This maybe but a temporary stepping stone but patience is an important tool to use here.
Patience has never been one of my more obvious character traits. I have always been more of a Veruca Salt type personality...I want what I want and I want it now. You know that house with the wrap around porch, all weather room for writing, and big kitchen with room for use of all the gadgets...that is what I want and I want it now! Not some apartment that is a 6 month temporary fix. Hold on Audie...this time last year you were fighting to put food on the table...you were worried where the next week of payment for the hotel would come from. Slow the fuck down. God's plan only works in God's time. You must simply do the footwork. Move where He says to move and when!
Everything I want is coming for me...one day at a time. I took a moment to think back on my weight-loss journey. It took 11 years to get back to prebaby weight. This because I did not put in the footwork consistently. I did not push through the muck one day at a time, when it got hard I ran from it. Goes back to the how bad do I want it...this time I want it bad. I see it and I can taste it. I can picture the life I want.
All of this takes time to not only change but to cut out rotten roots and nuture the regrowth of the right roots! It is my turn to take control of the life that I once thought was unmanageable and relearn how to do this. To seperate past from present...to rewire the brain to see it is not punishment. This is everything from drinking water, working out, to housework. These are all things I get to do on repeat so the brain learns we are living life not hiding from it.
So there it is-I am human and I am strong. Rewiring is not a job for the weak and I am up for the challenge!
Till next time-
Audie
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