Writer as Defined by Me

 

Been struggling with something for a bit and this is more about my perception of the statement not the actual meaning the other had behind the statement. I know from the bottom of my heart that anyone who has taken any intertest in my writing that it was nothing but good intentions in the questions they asked and follow up statements, but my perception is my reality even if it is slightly skewed. Which I do think that my slightly skewed, dark, and twisty mind is quite beautiful and a great place to hang out from time to time.  But before I totally digress, back to the point. I sat down and did some research and goggling. Then of course I had to sit with it and think about it for a while. 

I am 43 years old, btw not 42, I am months away from 44 and it has only been in the last year that I figured out who I am. I am a writer. I actively put words on some form of paper/screen and share the stories with the world. I blog and I write fanfiction currently, so no I do not currently have anything to shop to publishers. This does not mean that it will always be that way. 

I look to it as it is how I am paying my dues; it is my way to hone my skill and practice. Yes, I could take the time that I have to write my own, but I do not have time to fully develop characters and worlds right now between work schedule and being a mom/wife as well as a writer. 

But wait couldn't you spend the time that you spend writing doing this and isn't it all part of the process? Yes, it is, however I am doing research to make the story realistic, I am having two to three conversations in my head at any given moment, I am practicing the skill that sat dormant for twenty-three years. I am learning current trends in books and networking with other authors to build not only an online presence, but a fan base that will buy the book once it is released. 

I also have to let you in on a secret, I am having FUN! I am making mistakes, not everything I write is great, but it is fun to connect with other fans and to learn that what I said had an impact on someone. That someone took time out of there day to read what me, the chick that makes the sandwiches, had to say. 

To put it lightly, I am dealing with imposter syndrome (as mentioned in previous blog) some days and that may be why the words have giving me this perception that because I am "just" writing fanfics, that it makes me less than, but if I want to be honest in the last twelve years between the blog and the stories-my work has been accessed 33, 903 times. Umm...over thirty THOUSAND times someone/someone's have taken time out of their day to see what I had to say. 

So yes, I am a writer on the road to be a published author. Everyone started somewhere and for me, this is the starting point.  Everyone, including the villain, has an origin story. This is mine and I am so glad that you are part of it. 

Till Next time-

Audie 

Dude...smh...here we go a-fucking-gain...fuck

Ever want to literally shake the shit out of yourself? Yeah, that is where we are at. Like I literally cannot even with me right now. I read through all of the blogs, I think about all the conversations, and of course I look at the amount of money that I have invested in my coaching, and I am just UGGHHHH with me right now. 

I have probably not only spent the last few months in a state of some sort of temper tantrum and tonight on a coaching call...yeah it was the wake-up call that I needed. See I have also felt really off for the last week and half like I was on the verge of something but had not quite figured out what it was. I figured it out tonight and oh did it suck when it all clicked together. 

It didn't hurt in the way that you think either. Hang on, let's get some coffee and some music and then we will discuss this like the adults, err we are adultish, but before I totally digress...coffee and music and talk out this jumbled-up mess in my head.  

FUCK...Fuck, so let's see if I can make it make sense. So, I say I want to be a writer, I say I want a clean house, I say I want to save money, I say I want to be fit and healthy, I say I want to quit smoking, I say I want to rejoin the fire service...I say a lot of shit and feel like a failure because I don't follow through. 

All it is talk, talk, talk. I feel like a not just a failure, but a fraud. There is also a hint of imposter syndrome. I do want the things I say I want. I want them more than anything but yet there is some kind of a block that is preventing the transition from words to actuality. And fuck if I know what it is....

But wait do I know what it is? You bet your ass I know what it is. It is actually a little of this, a dash of that, and a whole lot of that other thing. 

A little of this is overwhelmed and not knowing exactly where to start, well at least that is the story I tell myself that I do not know where to start. I do know that the best place is to start at the beginning exactly where I am at and with what I have. So tonight, I filled out the app for the fire department, I am on day 2 of quitting smoking slowly with a few smokes and a vape. I am writing and after I finish this going to figure out how the best way to accomplish a few things tomorrow before work. 

A dash of that is anger. Wait, anger?? Really? Yup, anger. I am angry that at the age of 42 almost 43 is when I decide that I want all of this. Like what did I do with twenty plus years of time? How much time did I waste...blah blah blah. The only person I can be angry at is me and leads me back to the can't even feeling with myself. That is also where the imposter syndrome comes in. Even though I have example after example of things I have accomplished and the shit I have crushed as I rebuild this life, I also have a "But I did not do this or that yet." Fuck Dude, can you chill with beating yourself up for two minutes? A question that I ask myself regularly and normally the answer is no. 

Which brings me to the whole lot of the other thing...fear. Wait Audie are you really afraid of things going right and what happens when you accomplish all the I say things above...honest answer, YUP.  I am not just afraid, I am TERRIFIED. From the young age of 10, mother fucking TEN, I was pretty much conditioned that what I wanted to do, what I wanted to accomplish, or hell what I needed didn't matter. Do you know how crazy I feel when I realize and put it all together that I am afraid to matter to someone? I am afraid of accomplishing something for me because at 42 I just realized that for once it can be about me. That I am not doing this to get someone to notice me, hell I have a husband of almost 13 years, and he is not requiring me to do anything to be his wife besides be me.  

Deep breath...breathe in and breathe out. I am starting a new two-week block tomorrow, utilizing my coaching and doing it in a different way. In roughly five weeks I will also have a new normal schedule as I change second jobs for about six months. So, I am signing off with this and in two weeks we will talk again as I start working through a new tool and continue to work through this, that, and the other thing. Now that they have names and I know what I am fighting against, I have a great meet me where I am at point. 

Till Next Time-

Audie 

FAFO and Expectations

My mind makes some crazy crazy connections sometimes and this blog is no exception to the rule. This past weekend I spent a few hours soaking up the sun and, in that moment, I figured out I am on the verge of losing myself again. UHMM, how about no? I swore if I went down that path of losing myself again someone would have fucked around and found out to get me that point. So, I have spent the last two days in thought about this. How do I stop this? Well...how about we go down this rabbit hole together?

First, I have been stuck on a song called Heavy by Citizen Solider and SkyDxddy ( https://open.spotify.com/track/6nNLganVtzUVmzlUSAQMDE?si=ba4667abff9c41ea). I am talking I can listen to this song on repeat and while the song itself speaks to me, the title itself is what pulled me in. So, then I dug in deeper, why was heavy a word that kept coming up for me? 

What in my life was getting so heavy again that all I wanted to do was get lost in books and shut down? What was making me withdraw so much? Why is a song I am stuck on causing anxiety? What is my heavy? 

Insert a Harley Quinn maniacal life here...I was slowly allowing other people's opinions and expectations to become my focus. FUCK!!!!!

When this became clear another song was added to the mental rotation...Eminem's Houdini...I mean the whole Guess Who's back in the beginning; yup I am glad to be back, well I am glad to see that I am about to make my return anyway. 

See I done fucked around on my own life and found out I don't like how I have been feeling. So today I am taking back the control, I am getting back to the basics of what works for me. The first step in that is to once again let go of expectations. 

To fully let them go I have to address them two-fold. I have to let go of my expectations that everyone else is gonna understand everything what I am going through and gonna give me the same freedoms reserved for others as well as trying to live up to the expectations that others have placed on me. The combination of these two things have been the heaviness that I am feeling and not only am I feeling it, but it is also showing up on my body. It is showing up on my face and it is showing up in how I show up. 

I have essentially been throwing a two-year-old fit and living life in the I don't fucking wanna. It is keeping me from being me the me I know I am. It is also making me feel uber gross and weighed down. 

I already clawed my way out the darkness once and I am not looking to sink back into it. I am so tired of this rat wheel. I am so tired of stepping off it to all of a sudden waking up one day and finding myself there. Now, I know that this happens because of automations and my brain pulling us back to what it knows to protect myself. 

This does not feel like protection anymore, this feels like a prison sentence that just allows me to have the good coffee and read my books. I want to do more than that. I want to write the books; I want to have fun on and off work, I want to chase the sun and enjoy everything that comes my way. I want to see everything not as why me but why not me. 

It does not mean I am not gonna struggle and it does not mean that stress is not gonna happen. It does not mean that I am not gonna have to take a step back now and again to reread this. It is does not mean I am not gonna have to remind myself every now and again of who the fuck I am. It just means that maybe I can be Elsa every once in a while, and let shit go starting with expectations.  

It also means that I am going to have to get back to the things that I love that make me, well me. That starts with the writing-starting with finding the balance between storytelling and story writing. That means having my morning coffee and dance parties to start the day off in a positive light! That means back to planning and journaling. Getting back to square fucking one. 

So, I dive back into what I know tomorrow. I make apologies to who I need to, I lean into the swan dive into the deep in. This is gonna be a two week at a time project. This is gonna be an awareness of leaning into who I know I am and starting to let things flow instead of bottling it up and I explode like a shaken bottle of soda; however, I do have to celebrate that I caught it this time before I fucking exploded! 

Wrapping this up with sometimes the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself. I was losing myself so quietly that even I didn't recognize it till it was almost too late. I am glad I grabbed ahold of things before I lost all control. Now time to get back to my regularly scheduled programming of what works for me. 

Till Next Time-

Audie

Endings Suck, ummm Maybe?

 End is defined as the final part of something, and also has a verb definition of bring to a final point, finish something...finished is defined as having completed an activity or (ooff this one hits hard) having lost its effectiveness. 

Been thinking a lot about the end and endings lately as I am in the final chapters of my first story. The logical side of my brain is excited and is looking forward to what is next...emotionally, it is my first story in 23 years and I am holding out on finishing it. I started asking deeper questions as to why...this led me down a whole new rabbit hole and oh was it an aha moment and a half. 

I don't like endings and the full-stop moment. The moment there is no more. I have 4 TV shows that I can think of that I never watched the last few episodes of because if I don't, they don't end. They of course did and do, but in my little corner of the world, they are simply waiting till I am ready to finish it. 

The same can be said for workout programs and diet plans...I hate them cause they have a definitive end date. And yes, there are other TV shows, diet and exercise can become ways of life, and there are more stories to be written. But all of these things first come to an end before they begin again. 

I also have picked up reading again, funny story on that...I do finish the book, but I immediately start another one. Specifically, if it is a series, therefore in my head the book never ends. 

Then this bleeds over into people and relationships, yes I have an amazing 13-year marriage with no end in sight, however, then comes friendships. I am awkward and weird with these...here is why.

I am a military brat and military wife...obviously have moved on to the vet side of it, but I lived this life for so long. Duty station assignments end and people move, I moved. The nature of the relationships changed, now what used to be lunches and shopping is random texts and phone calls. 

Having recently moved into our apartment and starting to build relationships and friendships there...I am starting to fear the end. There is no end in sight, some changes to the summer routine obviously, but all in all no real end in sight. But the trauma from this happening over and over again...very real. There are 3 friendships I have that have spanned a decade plus...and that is not including my husband, with him 4. They have grown and shifted to what they need to be in each season I am in. So why am I still waiting on the fallout...again I dived deeper...

And fucking surprise surprise...it came back to my parents. They died, their lives ended. I had no choice in it, it was forced on me to accept it much like the moves of mine and many of my friends in the military no choice given, it was time to go and start over. With my parents deaths, there was no start over. It wasn't like I could just go get a new mom...it wasn't a job or finding new friends. It was not a TV show, a story, or a book...it was a forced acceptance that it was finished. 

That is why endings suck, it because you have to accept the things you don't want to. I have to accept the fact that there is a finality to things and frankly sometimes...I don't wanna!! Things change, doesn't mean that the people you have surrounding will and that is another thing that I am beginning to accept....sometimes things don't end and sometimes the ending doesn't suck, it leads to something better. The thing that ended lead to something so great you could have never imagined it. 

As I wrap this up...clearing the block that has been causing a delay of story...not all endings suck. Endings have to happen so new things can begin. Even an ending caused by a death can lead to a new beginning, because you learn to live in a way you can celebrate their lives by making the choice to go on living verses staying stagnant. So today I choose to stop focusing on the end and instead focus on the new that the ending helped create.

Till Next Time-

Audie

Moving into 2024...normalize doing what heals you

 So, in a random turn of events, we are moving 5 days into the new year. We have a permanent address. It is crazy. March of 2022, our whole world went upside down when we received a letter that our lease would not be renewed and from there, y'all know the rest of the story. Well, that chapter is about to come to a close. On January 5th, we move into our new home. It has been a long time coming and there is an appreciation for that. However, we I came up with the title of moving into 2024, it was a very different topic.

We are also at the time of the year where goals are discussed and such. I am not doing goals and I am not pushing for a total overhaul in 2024. I thought about my word for the year and then I said why a word, specifically coming at it from a writer's standpoint, I cannot pick one word. What I can pick is a series of words that are much like synonyms and of course the bible verse of the year. Drumroll....

The words-maintain, consistent, steadfast which leads me to the bible verse: 1 Corinthians 15:58 - Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.

Now, does this mean I am not growing, not working on the weight loss, not working on building financial stability? HELL NAH!!!! See what I mean by all of this, is I am coming to an understanding on how things work. I have to decide to focus on doing what I need to do within a serious of tweaks that will allow me to have the life I want. 

At the core of this I have figured out that in order for me to be successful, I get to do what I enjoy and what heals me. This is my writing. Between my husband and friends, I have everything I need to do this. So, I am working on being consistent with my writing for 2024. I am doing what heals me. I am doing what has made the biggest impact on my life in a short amount of time. 

Let me explain this. I have been blogging since my mini was a mini, so for 11 years. However, as much as I love this and it is a great outlet, it is not what sets my soul on fire when writing. Fictional writing is my true love. And honestly on October 22nd when I picked up the pencil for the first time in 26 years to do just that, well.... I did not anticipate the impact it would have on me. I did not see it wanting me to end my day writing versus randomly scrolling social media. I just saw it as a way to stop shopping online and spending money that I really didn't need to spend. It was a hobby I had everything for...till my computer acted up, but Christmas was a perfect time to make a new computer happen anyway. 

So I do not have to plan anything, no diet to follow, no cabinet to over haul. The only thing I am planning is my writing. I write every night for an hour or so before bed. Now I working on a better bed time but 9:30-10:30 is good for writing. Mornings are better for blogging.  

Wrapping this up to get back to my family on Christmas day...do what heals you. Play the video game, write the story, make the jewelry...whatever it is that brings joy back into your life do that consistently. Everything else well that falls into place!

Till Next Time-

Audie

Dear Universe...

 Come the fuck on!!!! Are you completely fucking serious right about now?? Now I know there was a blog like this before. I know I have talked about this before, hell I feel like I have to have this come to Jesus with the Universe every Dec. However, this year this come to Jesus feels very different. 

Why is that? Well I am different. Your girl, forgot there was candy in the house...like legit full size candy bars. I am reaching for water just as easily as I would reach for coffee. I am walking up and down stairs multiple times of day as well as I am writing over shopping or playing mindless games on the phone...when my computer cooperates. In the last few hours a Mickey Milkovich type tantrum has almost brought me to drop kicking the thing down a flight of stairs. 

I also didn't lash out at my husband or my daughter about all the things they didn't do over the last few days. Did I get mad...YUP. Did I shed a few tears...YUP!! Did it make me feel better, a little. Now I am cleaning, maybe rage cleaning...but cleaning. Light a few candles and Gonna decorate for Christmas in a bit. 

Then when all is done, I will sit down with my notebook and pencil and I will write. Then when I get my new computer in 15 days, I will start the process of typing it up. See I am very committed to this writing process it is good for financial and mental health. So I will find a tweak, a work around. Would I rather be posting...well yes but it is too hard to story write on the phone. So it what it is. 

Doesn't mean I stop...all the years before, specifically at this time of the year I would stop. This year I wanted to see what it looked like if I didn't stop...

And while we are talking about this...2024, yeah next year...me and the universe are having some conversation there too. While I am not uttering the words that this is my year...nope nope nope...I am gonna walk in real slow, sit down, shut up, and not touch nothing. I am sitting down ground rules and boundaries. I am saying no. I am not a safety net. My family's financial freedom and needs are coming first. This paycheck to paycheck way of life, yeah over it. 

I am over having to come out of pocket for emergencies and leaving myself short. So I have two envelope books to stuff, have a few different savings challenges to start, and I am putting together a budget that is liveable without feeling like we are going without. We have too many goals as a couple and we are gettting too old to continue to live like this. 

Okay now I feel better...by the way, my current computer did finally cooperate, still replacing it. I need something dependable for 2024 and the year of writing! Wrapping this up, dear Universe...bring it the fuck on! I am committed to getting real uncomfortable as I continue this. Stay tuned, things are just getting started! 

Till next time-

Audie

Aging Backwards

 No I have not found the fountain of youth. No I am not a vampire. But I am aging backwards. Let's take a look at this...

The last two pics were the 7th...43 looks a hell of lot different then 36...yes you read that right I turned 43 on the 5th of December. 

So what the hell am I doing different? A lot actually. The biggest change has nothing to do with weight-loss. It has nothing to do with exercise, drinking more water, or even sleeping more. Okay maybe the stairs I am up and done a few times a day may have a thing or three to do with it. And yes, I am still smoking. So what is it?

It is easy but hard all at the same time. I found the root of my anger. A deep rooted 26 year growing wild root. I started digging through all the trauma in my life. I stopped playing the victim. I stopped why me and started asking what is this teaching me. 

I picked back a hobby that makes me feel alive. I started dancing more, I started giving a shit about what I thought and what I wanted. I also stopped giving a shit about what others think about me. Because in all this I learned something...

I am enough, but I am a lot. However if the people are not willing to let me be me, then they need to go find less...point blank it took me 26 years to find me, the version of me I love. I am not making myself small anymore to allow someone else to feel bigger. I am not dimming my light so yours can shine brighter. But I will share the light. I will admit when I am wrong and try again tomorrow. I will share a smile and I will love who I love fiercely. I will stand up for what I believe and fight for anyone who can't fight for themselves. 

See I am a powerful force of nature. I come in like a hurricane and currently I am raising a tropical storm. I refuse to let her go through what I went through. We show unapologetically us. Awkward and weird are charismatic appeals about us.

This past week, I learned not one but both of my bosses think of unicorns when they think of me. At first I was confused...me? A unicorn? Like what?? Then I realized unicorns are rare mythical creatures that are associated with rainbows, glitter, and princesses. While I am no princess, I do bring a lot of fun to what I do, now that I am not so focused on hating everything and everyone. Bright colors and glitter are kinda my calling card even when I am dressed in all black because my personality oozes that shit. 

Bringing this all back as I wrap this up. Because I am embracing who I truly am, because I am no longer allowing my past to define who I am,  because I love this version of me I am becoming...I am watching years of stress melt away. I am watching the years melt away. Adopting the attitude that everything is figureoutable...I am watching myself age backward. Seriously if this is 43, I will embrace it and celebrate it every single day!

Till Next time-

Audie