A new reality...My story

This week is national eating disorder week...seven days to bring awareness to something that is very real for many of us out there. According to the National Eating Disorder Association or NEDA, 20 million women and 10 million men struggle with an eating disorder at some point in their lives. Last year I came to terms with the fact that I had one. I have known and used it as a crutch...let me explain how delusional...

 "I used to be a binge eater so I HAVE to let myself have whatever I want to eat, give in the craving for half a pizza, a king size candy bar, a bag of chips, and wash it all down with a 2 ltr of Mountain dew because well if I don't it will trigger a binge." 


I highlighted that for a reason...this was my mindset...I was so lost and confused...partly my mind was clouded in pain. These two together almost turned me into Jabba the Hut...had a couch growing out of the back of my head. Then I would start a diet and exercise regime...I would do great for a month..I would lose some weight, people would comment you look great. I would stop, the pain would start again and the weight I lost, I put back on.





On March 29th, 2015...I said enough. I looked at my husband and said I have an addiction to food. On April 7th, 2015 we had one last hurrah with our substance of choice...both of us...they were legal substances, but they were killing us. So we mustered the courage and together we put down the vices. Now, my husband pushed me to do so with mine...I was planning a meal like the above highlighted...I was making a grocery list that would include all of the above plus oreos and more. That change saved our marriage. I swore that those few months, my world was upside down. Everything was off balance....BUT

I do believe, that was actually when we were flipped right side up. But I put down the Reese cups, mountain dew, and Doritos down on April 8th 2015....I started my OA journey and working the 12 steps...weight was coming off, things were great. Then I slipped up, I fell off the wagon. I did not have the above, but I found new trigger foods. Hubby was home and I could do what I want...I spent more time on couch again...so in June, I started again. This lasted till around end of July and Mom's birthday rolled around and I lost it again. I slipped...I relapsed for the last time....I thought in my emotional state that a diet mountain dew and a hostess cherry pie was a good idea...yup, Delusional Party of one...Delusional Party of one we have your buffet ready.  August 23rd...That was when the jeans that were pull on and not leggings or skinny jeans...actual jeans that were elastic waist-ed stopped fitting. If they were not sweats or yoga pants...they did not fit. I had enough. I got serious...or so I thought. I got serious faking it till I could make it. I did not feel pretty and I wanted the weight off. I honestly thought OA was a waste of time...and I read the line.

Fake it till you make it. What??? I was trying to be involved with actual OA groups and extensions of and was not having much luck....I was more aggravated and pushed to eat more than ever.  So I was like well, I guess I will switch my focus and I did...I switched my focus to me and growing a relationship with a higher power, staying busy so that when October rolled around we did not have another July situation....and I did okay. But I was still not completely happy and was not seeing any changes...I was frustrated. So I sat down and I cleared my mind and in a silent moment...very rare in my house, right around the end of December, I asked my Higher Power (OA says you need one and I agree. I am not religious, but very spiritual these days.) what am I doing wrong, why am I stuck...

 and in that rare moment...As I stood to go make a cup of coffee and took the steps to the kitchen....myfit bit vibrated. I had made goal steps for the day. Now I will remind people I was doing the phases at that time too, but I was not dedicated. I was not convicted, I was not turning the journey over and following all the "steps". It was like the ruby slippers in the Wizard of Oz, I had the power all along.

 I have owned a fitbit since June of 2014...I got curious and I found some interesting numbers...
57 days of wear...June 1st-July 26th:
278,063 steps 118.59 miles, this is when it was shiny and new. This is when I was serious...now lets go back to January of 2015...same 57 days
25,243 steps 10.58 miles....I was serious...or so I thought...I was seriously delusional. I was not giving it my all and I was using the crutch of my chronic condition and I was back in the eating heavy. I had an excuse for my excuses. From August 23rd-Dec 31st--698,732 steps 291.89 miles. These numbers sound impressive. They show progress...but I was still faking it till I made it...here is why I say this...

January 2016, same 57 days Jan 1 to Feb 26...
365,028 steps 152.45 miles. I am over the halfway point of what I walked in 4 MONTHS in 57 days! I have a drive and a dedication this time I have never felt.

This is not another faking situation. I have taken my health back. Used to I had more days of missing my step goal and now I can count on one hand how many days I missed step goal. I also have put in some major steps to make sure that I make up the steps I missed due to missing the step goal.

I know that the fitbit has it's issues but there is magic in that little band for me. It pushes me to that extra step...to make that goal. It is a physical reminder of following the steps and staying the course. And yes...when the fitbit needs to charge....I do not leave the couch or the computer chair unless I have to...we do not waste steps in my house lol. If I leave the house, I will leave my phone at home, my vap at home and not go back for it (as long as the person I am with has one in case of an emergency) BUT the fitbit, you know I am going back for it....I am normally in a competition and I may not win, but I will make sure I show up in the leader boards.

 So my story is not over, but I do live in a new reality. I may never drink another Mountain Dew, I may never eat another bag of Doritos...some days it bothers me. Some days it makes me wonder how weak am I that I can't even have one? I can't do something in moderation...then I realize I am not weak...I am strong to avoid it all together. It is not easy, it is what is right!

It is my choice to be open about this, to tell my story, to let people know I am in OA and I am better for it...today rock the purple for someone who may have an eating disorder, no matter who they are (this does include self).

 No matter what your demon is, no matter what is trying to tear you down...faith will get you through. I know this because I stand here 43 pounds lighter. Almost all healthy numbers from labs....I took back my life. I came back from the edge of the darkness. I turned it over, let it go, and made 2016 the year I went transparent and said God take it from here. So far I am liking the journey...








As I wrap this up for the week...I had a tiring one, finals, sick kid, then sick husband...my body tried to get it  and I said um stop right there...Ginger oil under the tounge and peppermint tea. I said not today lol. Life and all...But I survived it. A four day flair due to Mother Nature's bipolar fit and two weeks of running and my introvert threw a tantrum of all tantrums...I needed to recharge and I did. As soon as all that was handled I pulled up my big girl panties ( I will soon be wearing skinny girl draws but that is another blog) and I got right back in the game. My good days are out weighing the bad...and I am winning...I am finally listening to the Coach of all Coaches and he said we got this...so today, We got this!