....but for the first time in a long time, life got the best of me. On October 8/9th, I got the phone call everyone dreads....Come quick, your Dad is not gonna make it. Within 5 days, I was Indiana bound and from there it has been a whirlwind. The hours turned to days, those days became weeks, and here we are at almost a month since my last post.
In the last few weeks after getting home and trying to settle into a new normal, the one where you realize that you are now a 35 year old orphan...the one where you feel as if you are living on borrowed time. My mother was 49 and my dad was 57...7 years and one day apart they were called home. I am still looking for a little understanding...no words can make me see the why. So I have been leaning heavily on what I do understand. The love of my family and friends, my amazing husband (we celebrated 5 years of marriage yesterday!), and my faith in the Lord and that He has a plan.
I have fallen behind on my 30 for 30 goal I had with my water, steps, and journaling. Typically I would beat myself up. Even my eating has not been the greatest....again normally I would just give up. This time of the year does that to me before the newest October mess...But not this year. This year, this was God's year to do with me what He had planned....and giving up was never a part of that plan. What it has meant is slower progress for the moment...but I will take slow over none.
In my confusion, my pain, and in my utter sense of WHY??? I felt myself slipping...I was heading back to that place of dark anger, resentment, and fear. I was heading back to a place of just not caring. But I have come to far...I have made it over one year sober from compulsive habits...God did not bring this far, to this season of my life to drop me here....this is just a season I must go through to get to biggest blessing coming.
Even on my worst days were step goal is far from met, my water and my food are terrible...my faith shaken....I know they serve a purpose. A chance to reconnect to what is important...a chance to replenish and come back stronger. I keep saying, I will bench press a car when this season ends...but I won't do it on my own. I will do it only with the help of my Maker. Here is where Hillary Scott's word come to mind....I have to remember you are God and I am not. So today, I reclaimed my time in the morning and the first song that pops up on shuffle....
Touch the Sky by Hillsong United and it spoke to me loud and clear! The next song...Chainbreaker by Zach Williams....
I was reminded this morning, no matter how alone I feel, no matter how lost I am....I am not an orphan...My parents live within me and I have the Father of all in my heart. So I shifted my focus from how I was feeling, to what I can do with this experience. I can offer someone a shoulder, I can relate on a level that only few can. Above all else, I can give up myself and my problems in service of others.
I can work on finding that peace I was on the borderline of having...I can accept that not everyone is gonna be a cheerleader and I can accept that others do not have my same view point....and I can put things in perspective....the past is the past...I am not responsible for reliving those feelings and such every day...all I can do is remember I am not where I once was and I will never be there again.
I was also shown, that in this acceptance, God has shown me great grace, who am I to deny it to others. So even at times where I feel that I was unfairly singled out, overlooked, or just plain made to feel as if I did not matter....I will show mercy and grace to them as I have been shown. This is something I still have to practice, grace before anger has never been a way I operated...but I learned patience...I can figure this out. The blessing...I am not figuring it out on my own!
This month I am working on a huge project...I am trying to take my story from a blog post to a 50,000 novel....Who knows if it will publish...but if it is God's plan...it will do so. I just have to sit down and write it out. I plan on starting very soon...considering I am already behind about 10,000 words I need to get started this week. I also need to get used to getting up early again. So I can have my time back...
That time if prayer and meditation and worship music I have missed so much!!! So here is the plan...instead of 30 for 30, this week is 7 for 7. Then we will do it again, and again, and again till I am back in the habit of it and I no longer get side tracked by life.
Signing off with this: This week take the time to be still...whether it is just 5 mins a day, be still and listen for what God is telling you and follow your intuition....as Matthew West's song says....
It's Day One of the rest of my life, of the best of my life....every morning is Day one!!
Till next time!
....but for the first time in a long time, life got the best of me. On October 8/9th, I got the phone call everyone dreads....Come quick, your Dad is not gonna make it. Within 5 days, I was Indiana bound and from there it has been a whirlwind. The hours turned to days, those days became weeks, and here we are at almost a month since my last post.
In the last few weeks after getting home and trying to settle into a new normal, the one where you realize that you are now a 35 year old orphan...the one where you feel as if you are living on borrowed time. My mother was 49 and my dad was 57...7 years and one day apart they were called home. I am still looking for a little understanding...no words can make me see the why. So I have been leaning heavily on what I do understand. The love of my family and friends, my amazing husband (we celebrated 5 years of marriage yesterday!), and my faith in the Lord and that He has a plan.
I have fallen behind on my 30 for 30 goal I had with my water, steps, and journaling. Typically I would beat myself up. Even my eating has not been the greatest....again normally I would just give up. This time of the year does that to me before the newest October mess...But not this year. This year, this was God's year to do with me what He had planned....and giving up was never a part of that plan. What it has meant is slower progress for the moment...but I will take slow over none. 
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