When Fear has me watching paint dry....

This week I had a few things going on, and realized that there is a bit of anxiety I am still fighting with. I am still trying to control things that are not mine to control. So this week there is a focus to get deeper on my journaling to learn what I am still trying to control that is not mine as well as looking to see what actions I need to take and what actions I am taking that I do not need to.



Yesterday I broke my scale and for a moment, I thought well I can just get a cheaper replacement till I looked back and seen just how much data my scale tracked and how much it had helped me (investment in me is greater than just spending the money)...so the new one will be here tomorrow. I learned that I bought that one in January of 2017 and I went back and looked at the data...dude!!










The left was not my heaviest (That was 350). In this 2 and a half years of using this scale, 20 pounds lost...even with the stops, starts, regains, and loses/gains. But that was not what stopped me...in the 20 pounds I lost, I dropped my Body Fat % by 24.5%!!!! I also lost 7 points of visceral fat and increased muscle 12.9%....The increase and the water means I am eating a more balanced diet and am slowly making major health gains...this slow drop tells that it will last and that if I keep focused on what I am currently doing physically I am going to get where I want to.





But mentally, I am still dealing with some deep rooted issues and I am fighting through them.  This week I have learned that I am doing better with energy level and less snacking when I get up, do the work out, and eat breakfast. Having a balanced breakfast and lunch only leaves me reaching for 2 snacks. One at 10:30 and one around 3...right now I am season of trial and error. I am learning a new normal and adjusting to a major switch...again. I have done this 3 times in 8 years now. From working 40 plus hours and volunteering to being a housewife/stay at home mom, from stay at home mom to working nights/weekends and an occasional day time shift, now to days and working weekend nights...to now only working weekdays. I am also learning how to get my personal time in as well as balance in school. I know that I can do this, but it is a learning experience.

So here we are at the end of the first week of school, knowing the routine will work, but I need to commit more to it. I need to work on quitting smoking a little more now, I need to ensure that I am focusing on taking care of me so I can be there for others. I also know that I am entering a season that I can be a handful, so I am going to be spending some time in quiet mediation and focus on the work at hand. As I learn this new role and I create a balance that helps me become a better version of me...one where I can spend more time in the quiet and not have to have so much noise....one where I am more focused and do not need to fidget so much.

With the things that have come to pass in the past few years, I am dealing with a bit more anxiety than I normally do, I have had some recent loses and some hard things that I am working with...there are things that I have not processed and now that I am not as busy....they are rearing there heads. It is a process and now that I know what is going on, I can fix it. I can focus on the struggle and how to get around it...one day, one moment at a time.





 






I can do this because I have two things...hope and faith. I have faith that it can be done and in the hope that it can be done, I find action. This time I am going to go farther and I am going to meet a next level me because I have hope. Because I am releasing the expectation of what I think should happen and just taking the risk. I am slowing a few things done, and speeding a few things up. This week in my fitness I figured out I can jump again...so I am going to jump, I know where to start and can not see what this week hold as I make the tweaks and I just do the damn thing.

This journey has been eye opening, each time I think I got it, I find new things to work on. Sometime it is fitness/nutrition and sometimes it is self-care/mental health stuffs. I have the fitness and nutrition for this week...but the self-care and mental health was slipping...even with the journaling so that tells me I need to spend more time or even change it up something was not right with it this week. My journey to being fit seems to be 50% mental, 30% fitness, and 20% nutrition. And one half of the program seems to be working at a time...now I need to get it all together to be 100% present in my journey at all times. No phoning in either half.

As I sign off this week, I leave you with this...

I am not where I was. I am in a weird spot in my journey at the moment. I have figured out self care...I have figured out fitness...I have figured out nutrition....now I have to figure out how to put it all together. I have to figure out how to put it all together in a sense that my light just shines and it just flows. I know every season is going to be different, but in this season....quiet seems to be a theme. Quiet action, bringing back my just for today project in a sense that it is a blog teaser and an accountability tool for my workouts...letting go of the control I was trying to take back and ensuring that I am growing in my recovery by staying in the step work and taking the actions that will keep me focused on becoming that next level person I am striving to be.







Till Next time Y'all-
Audie