Me vs. Me

159 days have passed. 159 days is a lot of days, and I am beyond tired. I am back on a treadmill, so to speak, and honestly...I am beyond over it. I took a stroll down memory lane this morning and then spent the day thinking about it. I am one hundred percent my biggest cheerleader while also being my biggest stressor. So, it is time to make some changes while I sort through some facts that hit me in the face. Ready for this one? Cool, let's fucking go... 

I figured out a few things. The first and biggest was that I was again falling into the old trap. This trap...other people's opinions. I had shaken this issue, but a month ago, I let a few people in, and it did not end well. To be honest, that is putting it lightly. I know who the fuck I am and I know what I am doing is to better mine and my family's life. But a couple of statements shook me to the core and put me in a bad mindset. 

Then, a friend who has been dragged through the mud reminded me we are in our Let them era...So, I am gonna let them. They can have all the opinions they want of me, but again, I know who I am. You wanna sit around and talk about me? Fine, no one sits around and talks about nothing, and if I am your topic, well, I really must be something. I know what I bring to the table and what I am capable of, so you tell yourself whatever you need to about me and think whatever helps you sleep at night. Meanwhile back at the ranch, I will be over here not being bothered by the opinions and statements from people who watch Tik Tok videos longer than what it took them to make a full-on bullshit statements about my life. 

As the fog from this started to lift and clear, I was hit with another truth...

I am not the same monster I was last summer. I like my social life most days. However, I still get very much into the antisocial mindset and have to recharge my batteries. I did that yesterday. What is the real difference between this year and last? I have boundaries that I am not bending on. I am putting myself first; if I don't, who will? 

This does not mean that I am there and present with my family, and I do not help out others when I can. Cause I do both, but it means I am without guilt or remorse if I have to say no. If I can ask my family for help, I am. I have two able-bodied people with two hands who will do anything I ask, so I do not need to take it on. 

I also quit a job...I cut my hours back in one place to help first in another job, then, when the help is no longer needed, I will have a weekday to myself. Sundays are up in the air for now. Through June, I have them pretty secured with every other. I also have a proposition for one of my bosses...let's just see if they can make it happen. Even if these two things put me in the category of being in my villain era, so be it. 

See, in the last two months, there have been two things I felt slipping through my hands, and I do not like it, nor do I like what it does to my mental health. 

My writing and my gym time—let's dissect these two. I'm going to start with the gym time. 

Even if sporadic and few and far between at first, it was one of two things that was all mine. It is my time to disconnect from being a mom, wife, employee, and sometimes even writer. It is when I can turn off the world and just be. Even a walk on the treadmill, the ride to the gym with girl talk, venting, and listening to music. I did not have to be "on" when out in public. I did not have to smile and talk. I could put my headphones in, and ignoring everyone around me was socially acceptable. I miss this feeling.  

Of course, picking up the heavy things and putting them down, reps, and hitting new heights in the weight I am able to do are therapeutic. Even on days I say I don't want to, and I still go, the feeling of accomplishment when I leave is so good, and of course, I sleep so good! 

Then there's my writing. This is a loaded one. I have so many projects running through my head and so many story ideas that some days it is impossible to write. This also comes from my time being severely limited right now. Remember that sleep thing I mentioned up there? Yeah. 

Sleep...that is the root of all of this. Sleep and water, really. 

I am (well, after my reset yesterday, was) mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I am back to using my watch for more than just telling time. I am paying attention to my sleep and energy level score. I am doing what they recommend. 

Now, from my previous coaching, I learned that things worked better when broken down and taken two weeks at a time. So, that is what we are doing: two sets of two weeks to reset some things. 

I am no longer worrying about what I used to look like or what I used to be able to lift or do at the gym. I am meeting myself right now, where I am at. I am collecting the data, and for the next 30 days, I have a schedule.

I also have scheduled writing time and gym time. I am moving forward with my original writing project, complete with having an editor to ensure I hit deadlines and goals as needed for the October 14th release date.

I have scheduled housework and included time to blog every two weeks, which will be every other Sunday.  This will allow for a wrap-up and a quick Wednesday post for weight and tape updates. 

So to recap...

I have writing scheduled Monday-Friday.

I have social media posts scheduled for Monday-Friday

I have gym time scheduled on Monday and Wednesday at a minimum. 

Housework is scheduled for Monday-Friday. 

For camping season, I really do not have any time on Saturday, so it is a freebie type of day. 

Sundays are currently up in the air; those will be scheduled by the week. 

What you don't see scheduled is work. Yes, I absolutely have to work. Money is needed for all things but what it is not is an excuse to not make the above 4 things happen. I show up for work because it is essential, work times are scheduled, and I mostly adhere to them. I am now gonna take this same energy forward in other parts of my life. 

To wrap this up, I have too many tools and outlets at my fingertips to struggle like I am. I do not have to take on anything that does not bring me joy, provide stability, or provide the means to provide stability for my family. The first weigh-in and tape are this Wednesday, the 11th. The following blog is on June 22nd. Stay Tuned to The Road so Far page for the writing updates! 

Talk Soon-Audie!